Saying Yes to the Scary and the Unknown in International Adoption

*** TRIGGER WARNING****

This is a transparent and possibly uncomfortable post to read.  My views have been formed based on my personal experience and also from families who have shared intimate details of their journey with me.  In addition, my faith is the biggest guiding factor in how I shape my views and make decisions.  After completing four international, "special needs" adoptions, this is where I have landed in regards to accepting a referral.

I arrived at each of my daughters' referrals differently:  1) through a waiting child list  2) a call from my caseworker asking if I was ready to return to the India program  3) waiting the traditional way for THE CALL and 4) by default after losing a child I had prayed for and pursued for close to a year.  Furthermore, each of my daughters arrived at their respective orphanages in different ways and at different ages.  They each have a unique story.   Finally, they came home at various ages:  Almost 7 years old,  3.5 years old,  19 months,  and 4 years old.

If you read my book, then you know when I started on this adoption journey, all I could envision for myself was a healthy baby.  I was naive and selfish.  God used the closure of Nepal to begin the process of gently stripping away my desires and replacing them with his.  A paradigm shift happened and I clearly became aware that international adoption is not about my wants and desires; it's about providing a family and a home for a child that has none.  It seems obvious, but when you are in pursuit of motherhood or building your family or "answering the call" or whatever other reason that led you to adopt, it's easy for your vision to become cloudy and self-centered.

With each successive adoption, my idea of "special needs" has evolved.  What I once thought scary, terrifying, overwhelming, or a definite NO, has been replaced with a deeper understanding of God's grace and provision.

What I said YES to when I signed their referral papers:

Trauma
RAD
Facial anomalies
Severe scarring
Older child
Failure to Thrive
Strong susceptibility for severe behavioral issues
Unilateral leg paralysis
Sickle Cell Anemia
Meningitis

The reality of my YES once they were home and received medical care:

Trauma
Facial anomalies
Severe scarring
Older child
Failure to Thrive
Unilateral leg paralysis - HEALED
Sickle Cell Anemia - Turned out to be trait
Meningitis 
Alpha Thalassemia
Brain damage
Unilateral hearing loss - severe
Active lymph node TB
Active ocular TB
Latent TB
Microcephaly
Cerebral Palsy
Speech Delay
Schistosomiasis
Septopreoptic holoprosencephaly
Toxocara
Giardia
Hepatitis A
Cafe au lait spots
Strabismus
Metabolic disorder
Short stature
Precocious Puberty
Possible Peeling Skin Syndrome 
Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder
Anxiety
Global delay

I may have forgotten a few things because it seems that something new is always being discovered :)   

We've seen ENT, Audiology, PT, OT, SLP, Hematology, Genetics, Endocrinology, Infectious Disease, Neurology, Ophthalmology, DDBP, Urology, Pediatric Gynecology, Developmental Pediatrics, Orthopedics, and a new referral for Pediatric Rehab.  I'm sure I missed a few here as well because... it's a lot of specialists to remember.

I am a single woman.  I started my journey knowing that I would be a single parent.  I don't have someone I can come home to and tap out.  I'm the sole-provider, the sole-decision maker, the sole-comforter, the sole-protector, the sole-weight carrier, the sole-everything.  In addition to all of that,  I also homeschool all of my girls.

I don't say all of these things for any type of recognition, or unsung hero crap.  Because nothing could be further from the truth.  I am a sinner and a broken person.  I am woefully inept.  I question my sanity and decisions daily.  I'm overwhelmed 95% of the time.  I cry in random places.  I cry when someone is nice to me.  I'm an expert worrier.  I worry about our finances.  I wonder if we will ever get out of this season of hard.  Will God keep me in the valley of absolute surrender and trust?  I worry about the health of my girls - there are some scary issues and all of it feels enormous.  I wonder if I'm meeting their needs.  Am I listening enough?  Am I playing enough?  Am I present enough?  Why did I flip out over the hangers on their floor?  Why do dirty dishes in the sink drive me to the brink of rage?  Because I am weak and I can't do it on my own.  No one can.  I need Jesus every single day of my life.  Without him, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible our life would be.

In John 16:33 he says:

"I have told you all this so that you will have peace of heart and mind.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world."

He straight up tells me that life will be hard.  I will have sorrow.  I will have many trials and tribulations.  However, he also tells me to have joy because of what he has done on the cross - he has overcome the world.  He has overcome my problems, my sorrow, my troubles.

He clearly tells me in Matthew 16:24-25:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

This life is not mine.  I was bought with a price - his life.  My purpose here is to be a vessel of God's love, through the unique gifts and talents he has bestowed upon me.  The only way I can do that is through his strength and community.  God's purposes are always eternal and he accomplishes them through relationships because he is a relational God.

The cross was a horrific death, and yet, he tells me to pick up my cross daily.  To surrender my will, my desires, my "self."  And when I do all of those things, I will find true life - life everlasting.  

So when I think about each of my girls and the needs they came home with, both known and unknown, I'm convinced that God used my YES to shift eternity for each of them.

Waiting potential adoptive parents say to me all the time that they want a child with minor needs.  I get it because I was once that person.  However, I want to shake them and tell them that just navigating trauma alone is a severe need.  Every single child who is adopted suffers a primal wound - the loss of birth family, and in the case of international adoption, language and culture too.  A significant part of their identity is missing and for the rest of their life, it will be a permanent question mark.   Everyone wants a quick process and minor needs, but that's not the majority of international adoption processes.

I am in a unique situation and my family is atypical - we are a transracial family, led by a single woman, with four internationally adopted girls.  We are the underdog.  By faith, I stepped into the abyss of the frightening unknown.  I came home with way more than I bargained for; yet, God has never left us.  He continues to provide every single thing we need - from shelter, food, and transportation to medical specialists of every kind.  He provides medicines, therapies, and procedures.  He provides a community of other adoptive parents that just get it.  I don't have to explain anything, they just know and in that knowing, provide comfort and encouragement.

Adoption is not easy.   The genesis is profound loss and therefore, should not be easy.  I learned through saying yes to things that terrified me that God would never forsake me and even more, he would never forsake my daughters.  He is passionate about caring for the orphans and the widows.  I've seen more miracles being on this adoption journey than I would bet most people ever see in their lifetime.  When you say YES to adoption, God is committed to seeing you through it.  I'm not saying he is committed to making it easy, because that would be a bald-faced lie; however, He will never leave.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will separate me from his love.  No diagnosis, no sadness, no anger, no despair, no moments of distrust, no loneliness nor depression - nothing.  I know this because his word is true.  He promises in Romans 8:28 -

"That neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING ELSE in ALL CREATION, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." 

Last year, I went through hell and back after losing Sparrow.  It was the darkest, saddest, most faith-shaking season I've ever experienced but through it all, he never left me.  He walked with me through my grief, my anger, my sorrow, my questioning, my depression, my unbelief, and most of all, my fear of ever trusting him again.  He was big enough for all of it.  He peeled back layers and exposed deep wounds still in need of healing.  He gently lanced the cysts filled with the puss of sin and unforgiveness.  He cleansed my spirit and bound up my wounds.  I learned an invaluable truth from that situation:  his grace and love are bigger than I can imagine.  They are all encompassing and readily available to me as I stumble through this life.  Because of this knowledge, I know that whatever unknown comes our way, he will provide everything we need and will walk with us every step of the way - the hard, the scary, the sad.

I can't fathom not having each of my girls home with me.  I can't even comprehend my life without them.  Were their needs beyond anything for which I was prepared?  Absolutely.  Have I been scared out of my mind since getting home?  Without a doubt.  But I would never, ever in a million years trade any of it.  I love my girls with everything that I am.  I'm not a perfect mom, but each and every day I strive to love them with the love of Christ.  We soldier on knowing that he will meet us exactly where we are.  He will never leave us.  And that is what makes saying YES worth everything.

Finding You: A Memoir

I wrote a book.

It took me two and a half years.  Writing a memoir is not easy because revisiting those raw, emotional places takes a toll.  

However,  I hope our story will encourage others and most of all,  I pray that everyone who reads my book will see the tender heart of God.

You can order a copy here.

Deeper Still

I anticipated that Christmas was going to be hard.  And it was.  The waiting and hoping for God to fulfill his promise for Sparrow has been painful.  Excruciating.  I wish I could say that I've handled it like a champ, but I haven't.  I feel like I'm riding the longest, twisted roller coaster I've ever ridden.  I have days when I'm on top of the hill, full of excitement and hope for what God is doing, and then the next day I'm in the middle of a corkscrew rotation, upside down and completely disoriented. 

On Christmas Eve, I went to bed more discouraged than I've ever been.  My 98 year-old grandma had to have life-saving surgery two days prior to Christmas Eve.  Thankfully, she did great and is improving daily.  But traditions are important to me and it just felt weird that we weren't all celebrating Christmas Eve with the family at her house.  This is Mohini's first Christmas and every year since Munni came home, we've had our picture taken in front of her tree.  I was looking forward to getting our picture with Mohini in front of that tree!  It sounds dumb I know, but it just was more sadness that things were "off" and changing.  Instead, we celebrated in the ICU.

We got home from the hospital and started to do our nightly routine, when Munni frantically called to me that Honeybee couldn't get up from the floor.  She is our 16 year-old boxer that we took in when she was 13.  I ran to the living room and she was clearly in distress.  I'm pretty certain she had a seizure.   She lost control of her bowels, was breathing erratically, vacant stares, and her tongue and lips did not look right.  We laid her on the new dog bed, prayed for her, said our goodbyes, and cried.  The girls went to bed and I had to put Roopa's big wheel together.  

Merry Christmas to us.  

By time I finished the big wheel, Honeybee was still breathing, but things did not look good.  I went to bed and cried.  Thoughts raged through my mind about how this was the worst year ever and I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Waking up to a dead dog on Christmas morning was the icing on the cake.  Really, God?  Is this what stepping out in faith looks like?  I don't want to do this if it is.  

2017 was a difficult year in many aspects.  My beloved dog, Rollie, died in July.  Several of my close friends are dealing with profound grief.  Mohini coming home was a huge adjustment.   She is a great little girl and we love her, but her age has been a huge challenge for all of us.  How we lived our life before she came home is nothing like how we live now.  We've had to adjust everything.  And right when we were finally getting our footing back, her brain MRI and hearing tests came back that she is deaf in her left ear and has brain damage in two parts.  Shocked can't even describe my reaction.  Through all of this, was the underlying waiting for Sparrow.  

Hoping, praying, believing. 

 When I found out on my dad's birthday that she had been matched with another family, it felt like a nightmare  from which I could not wake.

As I reflected on all of this, I barely slept Christmas Eve.  My heart was heavy, broken, and in complete despair.  Finally, I got up and went into the living room to start the Christmas morning tradition of lighting the fire, putting on Christmas music, making much needed coffee, and preparing to feign excitement for the girls.  I had already decided that I would wrap Honeybee in a towel and put her in the garage until I could take her to get cremated.  This was not how I wanted to start Christmas morning.  I literally could not believe my eyes when I walked into the living room and she popped her head up, eyes alert, and then GOT UP and walked over to me in that traditional boxer wiggle!  I immediately thanked God for reviving her.  It was as if nothing had happened.  I felt a little excitement welling in my soul and thought maybe this Christmas won't be so horrible after all.  I got my camera ready and stood in place so that I could capture their expressions as they walked out and saw some of the "big hitter" gifts that were on display.   I called the girls and told them they could come out.  They walked around the corner, took one glance at the cornucopia of presents, and then all three of them ran right past their gifts, through the living room, and directly into my arms to give me a giant hug, and wished me a Merry Christmas.  Queue the tears.  In that moment, I realized that at least I have done one thing right.  My girls value our family, our relationships, above all else.  Their early morning display of affection and love was the best Christmas gift!

We spent all day at my mom and dad's house; it was the perfect distraction from my thoughts.

The day after Christmas I crashed.  It felt like God was never going to answer.  I was not in a good place.  Each time I hit these horrible lows, he always provides the encouragement I need through dear friends and strangers from across the world.

I received several emails and messages from people in countries far away.  Messages of hope, encouraging me in this fight for Sparrow, standing with me in prayer and belief that God will bring her back to me.

One dear friend set me straight and told me that Jesus waited two days and let Lazarus die.  Could Jesus have gone and healed him immediately when they told him that Lazarus was sick? Certainly.  Lazarus' sisters, Martha and Mary, sent word to Jesus that "the one he loved" was very ill.  But that was not his plan.  Even though Jesus intended something far greater than what they could imagine by bringing Lazarus back from the dead, he still met Martha and Mary in their grief and wept with them.  

Jesus has also met me in my grief.  He has not taken away the pain; instead, he has provided compassionate fellowship.  He's given me encouragement from friends and strangers who are praying with me.  Their words of wisdom, love, and support have carried me through the most difficult  moments.  Every day, I wake up and pray that Jesus will take my hand and walk me through the day, leading me through the dark parts and helping me to steady my eyes on him.  

This has been the most difficult faith journey I've ever experienced.  I pray and pray and pray and ask for discernment - should I abandon this hope that he will bring her back to me?  Should I pursue another child?  Should I stop all together?

Every single time, he answers me with the dream he gave me in May, and even though I've been riddled with pain, there is peace knowing I'm exactly where he wants me to be.  It's taken time to get to that realization and acceptance.

The girls and I have a dream of one day owning a farm.  We've been praying about it for almost 2 years.  We talk about it daily.  My mom gave us a vegetable growing kit for Christmas which led to a discussion of how we anticipate our farm will look and what purposes it will serve.  God used this conversation to minister to me.

Growing food takes much waiting.  In between the time of planting the seed until the harvest is much "dead" time.  Above ground, it appears as if nothing is happening.  We can't see the seed.  We can't see what's going on in the soil underneath our feet.  We can't see the effects the sun, heat, moisture, and pressure have on the seed that eventually causes the hull to break apart and allows the tiny roots to burst forth.  We can't see those roots slowly digging deeper into the rich, moist soil, securing a solid foundation for growth.  None of that is visible.  Instead, it appears as if nothing is happening.  I thought back to all of the prayers I have prayed for Sparrow.  How God gently led me step by step.  I planted the seed in obedience.  And now, I have to wait and trust that like the forces of nature, God is preparing that seed for the harvest.  He knows the time when that precious green shoot will force its way out of the ground to be seen by all.  

What a glorious day that will be!

But for now, I wait.  I trust.  I believe.

And in my dark moments, I remind myself that like the seed underground, I can't see the spiritual realm.  I can't see the work God is accomplishing and I can't see the foundation he is preparing.  And isn't that exactly what faith is?  Trusting in what can't be seen.  Having confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we can not see.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of your love and support with which you have covered me.  It is invaluable and priceless!  Please keep praying with me, you have been a wellspring to my soul!

Walking in Faith

It's been almost a year since I first saw our Sweet Sparrow's face.  Funny how I thought the "wait" would end once I was approved to officially move forward with her adoption.  I never would have imagined that it would be just the beginning of the most difficult part of the wait.  

When God gave me the dream in May, I knew she was my daughter.  Not a doubt in my heart.  When I found out that after two years of no movement on the waiting list, she was matched the very hour I was approved, confusion consumed me.  For the life of me, I could not make sense out of it.

I still don't know why God allowed that to happen except that his plans for her and the story he is writing is bigger and more beautiful than anything I could have dreamt. 

In these last few weeks, he has drawn me closer to him in ways I've never experienced.  My faith has reached new levels of depth, trust, and surrender.  

However, this growth has not come without costs.  There have been days of immense sorrow, utter despair, rage and fist-shaking at God, unending questioning, and a deluge of tears.

Excruciating doesn't come close to describe what these last few weeks have been.

I've had moments where I've wavered.  I almost didn't go to my USCIS fingerprint appointment.  I declared I would put the girls back in school, I would get a "safe" job, and we would live the rest of our lives with no risk, and therefore, would not set ourselves up for disappointment and heartache.  We would live what I call the "MMC" or Magnolia Market Christianity that seems to flood our church culture today.  The type of Christianity where our life looks perfectly put together.  All blessings, no heartache.  No risk.  Safe.  Boring.

I even asked to view the waiting list of children, knowing I could match today with a child who needs a family.  But as I scrolled through the list, I knew deep in my heart what God spoke to me through that dream in May.  None of those children were mine.  

Our Sparrow is the dream God gave me.

 God snapped me back to reality and reminded me that it is his promise he gave and his way for fulfilling it.  He brought me back to Sarah and Abraham.  God promised them a son.  Sarah grew impatient because in her human wisdom, she could not fathom a way for her to conceive in her old age.  So she did what I can relate to - she took things into her own hands and told Abraham to sleep with Hagar, her maid,  to produce a son.  He did and Ishmael was born.

But Ishmael was not the son through which God's promise to Abraham would be fulfilled.  Instead, Sarah's meddling and rushing God's promise only caused heartache and jealousy. 

I was becoming Sarah.

You see, I had lost my focus of his power, his ways, his purposes.  Who am I to question the path on which he is leading me?  My view is completely myopic while his is a wide angle lens.  He is working behind the scenes in ways I don't know.  He's doing things that I would never conceive.  He's fulfilling plans and answering prayers of which I have no knowledge.  

I've heard from people all of the world.  Words of encouragement.  Words of empathy.  Words of compassion.  Words of "me too."  He is using her story to bring others to deeper levels of faith - deeper understanding, deeper trust, deeper surrender, and ultimately, deeper hope.

As I continue in this wait, I am slowly learning to have joy.  Joy that he writing the most incredible story. Joy that he knows the exact moment he will bring her back to me.  Joy that he is growing and stretching my faith, taking me to new levels of trust in him.  Joy that he is omniscient.  Joy that he is omnipotent.  Joy that he will fulfill his promise.  Joy that he is worthy to be trusted, honored, and praised.

Joy that I know him and that our relationship is becoming more intimate with each passing day.

So while I will never understand his ways and his purposes, I am choosing to have faith ~ the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. 

Not By Sight

May 26, 2017, God gave me a specific promise about Our Little Sparrow that she is ours.  Even though it right now it seems impossible, I know that God's promise will prevail.  

He does not lie.  

He intended her for our family and on the day that I can finally share her story, it will be clear TO ALL how perfect his plan is and why she fits perfectly in our family.  

It. Will. Blow. Your. Mind.

So now, I'm patiently waiting as the Holy Spirit continues his work, removing the mountains that stand in the way of bringing God's promise to fruition.

Can I get a witness? Amen to the glory of God!

All Is Well

I've been in the spiritual ICU since Tuesday.  Those who have been faithful in walking this journey with me for Little Sparrow rushed to my side and they have not left.  Their words of truth, comfort, encouragement, and faith have coursed through my heart the way an IV mainlines life saving fluids.

These last days have been the yin yang of utter grief and faith that makes absolutely no sense.  

This arduous battle is stretching my faith beyond comprehension.  I know I sound crazy.  I know it.  But I also know the promise that God knit into my heart.  I was not looking for her.  He brought her to me.  He asked me to trust and pursue her.  I did.  In his wisdom and love, he gave me a touchstone so powerful because he knew this moment would arrive.  He knew I needed it and that I would cling to it while everything around me shook my faith.  It is a pillar of his love that I wrap my arms around, knowing it steadies me as I navigate the landmines waiting to explode with every step I take.

Many people have reached out to me with good intentions.  In their attempt to comfort, they told me it wasn't meant to be.  They told me she was a doorway to another.  They told me I can't adopt them all.  They told me it was someone else's turn to experience the love I have with my daughters.  They told me to be grateful for what I have.

But none of those things are the truth.

Faith is the bold belief in the unseen.  It is trusting in what cannot be controlled by man.  It is believing wholeheartedly when nothing makes sense.

There are many who think I am foolish for believing God.  To them I say, I will gladly be a fool for Christ.  His ways are not our ways.  And even though Sparrow's entire story has not been revealed, I am proclaiming the truth He spoke so very clear to my heart:

She is my daughter.

I know she is coming home.  Even more, I know that it is only by the power of his hand that she is.  Everything that man can control has been done in this situation.  I am now waiting on his hand to move.  Faith is putting ourselves into situations that are so completely beyond our control that we can only say, but God.  It is knowing that what is impossible for man, is possible with God.  It is remembering how he parted seas, moved mountains, made the sun stand still, and raised the dead.  It is walking in full confidence towards his purposes in spite of what the world tells us and circumstances that appear grim.  It is risky to proclaim faith.  What if.  What if . What if.  I can play mind games with myself all day long but I always come back to God's word and his character.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is just.

God doesn't lie.

So in those weak moments after I've made bold claims of faith and immediately the pitbulls of doubt and fear viciously chase me, I climb his tree of life and find peace on the branches of his Word.  His truth stands forever and will not be shaken.

It is not easy by any means.  I have moments where I ride the crest of faith so smoothly and in the next, I lose my balance and crash into the turbulence of trepidation and disbelief.  In all of that, Christ is tethered to me like a surfboard to my ankle.  He does not leave me.  Though I may get knocked around, I do not drown.

My dear friend who shares my name spoke such life into me yesterday.  She has walked this journey with me from 2009.  She's been by my side to witness God move mountains and make rough places plain.  She encouraged me with the story of the Shunammite woman found in 2 Kings 4 (paraphrased):

Elisha went to her and told her after many years of barrenness, she would have a son.  She told him not to lie to her.  Sure enough, the next year a son was born to her.  He grew and flourished.  Then one day, he died in her lap.

She hid him away in her room, saddled her donkey, and went straight to Elisha.  Along the way, people inquired of her and she simply responded, "All is well."

All is well.

Once she reached Elisha, she confronted him.  She told him she did not ask for a son, yet he gave her one and now he is dead.  She told him to make his promise right and resurrect her son.  Elisha went to her son and prayed.  God raised him from the dead.

My friend reminded me that I was not looking to adopt again.  I did not seek her out.  God brought her to me.  He knit her in my heart and asked me to step out in faith once again.  I did. 

The words my friend spoke next brought me to tears.  She told me that God needs to resurrect Sparrow's adoption.  She reminded me that God does not lie.

Late yesterday, my caseworker called me.  She all but told me to give up that it was a done deal.  I told her I would not.  I told her I believe God to be true to his word and I believe this family will unmatch with Sparrow and she will come back to me.

Am I a fool for believing this?  Maybe.  If people ridicule me for standing on his truth, so be it.  Faith is crazy.  Faith is insane.  I believe that God has a greater purpose and allowed her to be initially matched with this family, as painful as it is.  He could have very easy allowed me to match with her.  But he didn't.  He released her the very hour I was approved.  Two years on the waiting list and the exact moment I can match, she is gone.  His sovereign hand is writing a story bigger than I could have imagined and larger than what I can see.  I know it is for his good purposes and that is what strengthens me.  

Abraham went forward with Isaac to the top of the mountain to sacrifice him to the Lord.  He did not waiver.  He trusted that somehow, God would provide.  Or, God would resurrect his son.  Whatever his thoughts, his faith proved that he wholeheartedly trusted God with very thing most precious to him.  At the very last moment, God intervened and provided another sacrifice.  Abraham's faith grew and God was glorified.

I pray that God is glorified through Sparrow's story.  I already know that my faith is growing.  But most of all, I pray that my actions, my words, my beliefs - that all of me - brings honor to God.

Turn my heart, O Lord, like rivers of water, 

Turn my heart, O Lord, by Your hand;

Till my whole life flows in the river of Your Spirit, 

And my name brings honor to the Lamb

I Won't Fear Love

I thought I was done.

I had peace that I was done.

5 dossiers, 2 country closures, 7 years of waiting and being in the adoption process.

I was done.

At the end of 2016, shortly after being registered for court for Mohini, 7 different people asked me if I was going to adopt a 4th child.

My answer to all of them was the same, "It's not that I wouldn't love to parent another child, but I just don't have it in me to go through the process again.  It's arduous, stressful, and the waiting is excruciating."

The last person to ask me if I was going to do a 4th, was my caseworker who has been an integral part of bringing all three of my girls home.  I told her that I would never say no to God, but he would have to use a lightning strike to make it obvious that he wanted me to pursue another child.  We both laughed and went on with our conversation.

Early January 2017, the day after Munni Bird's eye surgery, I was on the India board and an adoptive mama asked if anyone knew of a child with limb differences.  She was hoping for a referral.  Back in April 2016, when I was assembling my home study for my 3rd Indian adoption, I found a little two-year girl who absolutely stole my heart.  She was missing her left arm.  I tried and tried for the little two-year-old, but the orphanage never responded to any of my caseworker's requests for information.  Sadly, I knew she wouldn't be my daughter.  I never stopped praying for her though and eventually, I found out that she was finally matched with a family in December of 2016.  The agency who advocated for the little two-year-old, also advocated for another baby girl; she was born without an arm and the other was malformed.  She was much younger than the age for which I was approved, but her sweet face stuck in my memory.  When the woman on the India board asked about a child with limb differences, I immediately thought of that little baby and went to investigate if she was still available.

I scrolled quickly through the files, looking for that particular baby girl.

And then God stopped me in my tracks.

A little face stared back at me that resembled Munni's referral picture.

I felt a little zing.

I clicked on her reference number and read the short description about "R."  My heart started beating quickly and I knew God was doing something.  What he was doing I hadn't a clue, but one thing was sure, he stirred my heart.

I continued looking for the baby, but she was no longer listed.  This meant that she had been matched!

***

I could not stop thinking about "R."  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I felt a heaviness leave me and it was replaced with a sense of surrender and peace.

Who was I to say no to God?  I thought about how long Munni waited for me to find her.  Family after family passed over her.  I realized through "R's" picture that if God wanted me to pursue another child, I would do it.  I would not fear love.  He calls us to love one another, and even lay down our lives for those in need.  He is the one who would give me the strength to complete it.

I continued to pray for "R."  After a few days, I sensed God pushing me so I finally asked for her file.

I opened the email and clicked on the attachment.

Only it wasn't "R."

It was another little girl.

It was Our Little Sparrow.

I read her file and my heart broke.

She had suffered a horrific injury.

I sat back in my chair and thought about several events and circumstances that occurred in my family.

It was the very beginning of me hearing God whisper that we were a perfect fit.

***

I advocated intensely for "R."  I have a team of prayer partners who are committed to praying for the little ones that I bring to their attention and they prayed for her as well.

Her medical needs were severe and on top that, she was in a very difficult orphanage, known to be cantankerous towards adoptive parents and purposely slow in their end of the process.

A month after seeing her face, I was informed that she was matched with the most perfect family for her.  One of the parents is a neurologist and has a firm understanding of her medical needs and the complexities that accompany them.

When I got the call, I cried tears of joy.  What a loving God we have that he orchestrated the perfect family to come forward for her!

***

Our Little Sparrow still weighed heavy on my heart and I continued to pray for her.  I was in no position emotionally or financially to even consider another adoption, but a little seed had been planted in my heart.  I continued to water it with prayer.

***

While in Delhi for Mohini's adoption, we ended up having to go to the central office of the department that approves every single adoption in India ~ whether domestic or international.

It was a spiritual experience for me.  I couldn't believe I was standing in the place that is responsible for allowing children to find their forever families.  I thought about all three of my girls, the paperwork, the tears, the prayers, the waiting.  I spent 45 minutes in that office and during that time, I prayed for every single family I knew who was waiting for approval.  I prayed for Our Little Sparrow.  I prayed that her forever family would find her... and if we were her family, that we would receive great favor from the Indian government.  It was a holy experience.

***

May 26th, I had a prophetic dream about Our Little Sparrow.  I woke up knowing immediately that God was giving me a message.

I asked my friend to have her prayer team interpret the dream.  I was blown away by their responses.  

She was ours.

In addition, they told me several key truths to hold onto as touchstones.

A week after their interpretation, one major touchstone came to fruition in a very public way!  I was astounded!

I continued to pray and trust.  I was still months away from being able to start the process and yet, there she remained on the waiting list, where she had been for over a year.

***

September 7th, I contacted my home study agency and told her that I was going to do one more adoption.  I had NO idea how this would come to fruition, but I knew I needed to continue walking in faith.

I called several adoption agencies, but one in particular.  This agency had been advocating for her since before I found her.  The intake counselor suggested that I have their India program director reach out to the Indian government to see if they would allow me to pursue her adoption being a single parent with three children.  She didn't want me to invest money in the event they said no.

This sounded great to me!  She said we should hear back in 2-3 days.

So I waited.

A week passed and I didn't hear anything.  I emailed the program director and she told me we should have heard something by now, so she emailed again.

I waited.

Another week went by and still no news.

***

September 18th, the girls and I went to The Ark Encounter with my parents.

What an incredible experience!

As I walked through the levels of that humongous boat, looking at all of the details that went into the construction of it, the design, the planning, God once again stopped me in my footsteps.

It took Noah more than fifty years to build the ark.  

Fifty years!

I could not even begin to imagine the ridicule, the waves of doubt, the scorn, moments of weakness, and fear Noah must have felt.

How many times did he think himself a fool?  No one in his village had ever seen a body of water that would accommodate a ship that size.

In spite of all that, he walked in obedience building that ark; and through his obedience, he became the vessel through which God saved humanity.

I sat on a bench and fought back tears.  God asked me for my obedience and I stumbled.  

Many, many times, God calls us to be obedient to things that look insane to the world.  

It's in those places where we see God show up and display his magnificent glory and power.

God gave me touchstones and I cast them aside.

In humble realization, I emailed the agency and informed them that I was officially applying for the India program.

I knew in my heart that I would not hear a word from India until I committed.  God was testing my faith and it was my turn to step out of the safety of my plans and leap into the glorious place of faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

I went home, completed the application, and mailed the check.

September 27th, I was officially accepted into the India program.

***

Today, October 5th, I received an email from the Indian program director.  

She informed me that she talked with the Indian department since she never received an email back from them.

They told her I was approved to move forward with Our Little Sparrow's adoption and upon my home study being uploaded to their website, I will be officially matched with her.

What an amazing story our God is writing for this sweet, precious child!

"By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." ~ Hebrews 11:3

I 

MATCHED!!!!

FINALLY!!!

Baby Jujube has a name and the most beautiful face!  We are THRILLED!!!  We have been praying for her since March - that God would bring the right child to our little family.   Well let me tell you, she is PERFECT in our eyes and we can't wait until she is home with us!

I was approved to receive a referral on her birthday!  My caseworker had her eye on this little peanut and said that every time she prayed about it, she just knew that this little girl was supposed to be in our family!

We are overjoyed and of course now we want to move at warp speed :)

Once I pass court and she is legally mine, I will be able to share her gorgeous name and face, but for now, you will just have to imagine her preciousness :)

We would love prayers for our new little Pune Princess!

Based on the region and previous cases, her process should move much more quickly than both Munni and Roopa's processes did.  Munni has stated repeatedly that she would LOVE for Baby Jujube's gotcha day to be on her birthday in May.  I'm thinking I would love to make it a trifecta and travel again in February when it's not blazing hot!  Either way, we are hoping and praying that we will be home before next summer so that we can have that time to bond as a family without any time commitments.  Also, we DEFINITELY want to celebrate her second birthday in our home as a family of four!

Thank you!!

A Modern Twist...

Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
None of them had hair of gold
Like their mother
The youngest one she longed to hold...

We are excited to share that we are adding one more chickadee to our family nest!  Munni, Roopa, and I are thrilled to be on this journey one last time to complete our family!

I am about 3/4 of the way through the home study and half way through the dossier.  There are so many exciting things for us on the horizon, and this littlest princess is at the top of the list!  I am not yet matched with a child but we pray for Baby #3 everyday.  Summer will be a very exciting time for us!  We would appreciate your prayers as we embark again on this amazing journey to bring home our precious, awaited baby girl!

There's a Lesson to be Learned….

and if I'm honest, I'm really, really not down with it.
My selfish, impatient being is fighting it.
I know God is bringing me to a deeper level of trust and rest- that I MUST trust in him AND (the biggest part) REST in him and his omnipotent power.

Today I received the document I needed for the RFE.
Aaaand….there's a mistake in it.
Womp womp womp :(
So, I have to wait until Monday for a new letter to be drafted.
Another 3 days or so for it to get to me in the mail.
I'm hoping and praying I can get everything to USCIS by the end of next week and then REALLY praying that my officer will be quick in issuing the approval.

Every adoptive mama is crazy with wanting to get everything done yesterday ASAP, but there's a back story here.

I know that the state level clearance meeting hasn't met in R's region in about 7 months.  I've been praying that I would be the last woman on the train if you get my gist.  I don't want to even think about the other option :(

So, I must wait and trust.  Trust that God is moving on her behalf.  I don't believe in the "God's perfect timing" thing as I wrote about here.  I don't believe for one second that it's his will for children to languish in orphanages months and years waiting for their forever families.  So instead of praying for "God's perfect timing," Please pray for God's swift and powerful hand to work on R's behalf.  Please pray that God would nudge the right people's hearts to move her paperwork forward.

This is a spiritual battle and the enemy is fighting it every step of the way.

I also need to take comfort daily that THE BEST WARRIOR OUT THERE is on my side and fighting for sweet, baby R.

Again, the other night I was reading the OT and God cracks me up when he asks his people questions. He really does have a way to deliver zingers- but in a way that doesn't tear you down :)  I love (ok, not really love but am grateful) when he puts my fear in check.

"This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says:  All this may seem impossible to you now….But is it impossible for me? says the Lord of Heaven's Armies." - Zechariah 8:6

I love this for so many reasons.  I love it that he reminds me how small my mind is.  How limited my vision is.  I love that he refers to himself TWICE as the Lord of Heaven's Armies.  As in, are you getting this Kristen?  I am LARGE AND IN CHARGE.  And personally, I love his frankness.  It always makes me laugh.  When he answers with questions, I know it's good :)

So here's my proverbial raising the glass to the Lord of Heaven's Armies.  Thank you for taking names and kicking butt for Baby R!!!!

Let's Get This Party Started!

So yesterday was the kickoff to my birthday weekend and what better way to start that party than to come home and find this waiting for me??!!!!

The cutest passport picture!

This humbles me on so many levels.  Having my luggage stolen with all of Munni's adoption paperwork inside has proved to be a canvas for God to create masterpieces of his goodness, his faithfulness, his provision, and his never-ending love.  Despite not having that paperwork and with Ind*a not complying to requests for copies of the documents, He made it happen.  I was able to get medical care for her that saved her life.  I was able to finalize her adoption in the United States, which allowed me to get her a state birth certificate.  I was able to get her a SSN.  And now, she has a USA passport!  I am in awe!

During the month of January I did a media fast.  It was so, so good.  I was able to really reflect on some things and spent a ton of time in prayer.  One of the things I have been struggling with is Baby R's adoption- or more accurately- my prayers for her adoption.  With Munni, I think because I was in limbo for so long and deep in my heart, I just knew I had to get her out of there (turns out my mother instincts were right), so my prayers were prayers of desperation, pleading, begging, beseeching.  It consumed me.

With Baby R's adoption, everything happened so quickly.  I got the call about her on a Monday evening.  Tuesday morning came and found out that she was truly available.  Wednesday came and I was officially matched with her on the C*R*NGS website.  Saturday morning came and I woke up to two precious pictures of my daughter.  Those pictures spoke VOLUMES about the type of care she is receiving.  Her hair is long.  They took time to make sure she was dressed in a beautiful dress.  She had on clean, white socks :)  Her hair was fixed beautifully and she was wearing bangles.  I never received a photo of Munni like that.  In fact, in October 2012, just two months before I would meet her, I received 2 photos of her that made me break down and sob.  She looked so thin.  Her hair was shaved. She looked like an inmate :(

This past fall, I was consumed with Munni's health issues.  I was a wreck.  And on top of that I was getting all the paperwork compiled for my home study update, Munni's finalization, and my dossier.  I was also fundraising.  I was cuh -RAY- zeeeeee.  A straight jacket would have been my fall wardrobe go-to item.  All of that to say that between that stress and the comfort of knowing that R is in a place where she is being well cared for, my prayers weren't prayers of desperation, or pleading, or begging, or beseeching.  I felt extremely guilty.  I felt like a slacker.  Did I not love Baby R as much as Munni because my prayers were so different?  Was I really allowing my heart to be fully open to her? Or, had my prayer life evolved?  Was I trusting God more this time around?  I would like to think that it was the latter but in all reality, it was more of me being at a point where I told God he had to handle this because I didn't have anything to give.  I was completely spent.  I was empty.  And you know what?  That's exactly where he wanted me.  He whispered his sweet words of wisdom to me that it's not about anything that I do.  It never is.  It's about him and what he's capable to do.  Here's the rub- since I prayed so much for Munni and her process, He showed me that I was attaching my "works" to her adoption being completed.  In my heart, I was stealing glory from God.  Not a fun realization.  I was reading the book of Zechariah when this really sunk in and hit home.  I was reading about Zerubbabel and how he was given the responsibility to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem:

"This is what the Lord says to Zerubbabel:  It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven's Armies.  Nothing, not even a mighty mountain, will stand in Zerubbabel's way; it will become a level plain before him!  And when Zerubbabel sets the final stone of the Temple in place, the people will shout:  'May God bless it!  May God bless it!'" - Zechariah 4:6-7

And then I read the commentary:

"Many people believe that to survive in this world a person must be tough, strong, unbending, and harsh.  But God says, "Not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit."  The keys words are "by my Spirit." It is only through God's Spirit that anything of lasting value is accomplished.  The returned exiles were indeed weak- harassed by their enemies, tired, discouraged, and poor.  But actually they had God on their side!  As you live for God, determine not to trust in your own strength or abilities.  Instead, depend on God and work in the power of his Spirit!"

Whoa!  I was a blubbering mess!  He spoke straight to me heart and it was beautiful.  Instead of "returned exiles" he could have put my name.  Kristen was weak.  Kristen was tired.  Kristen was discouraged.  Kristen was poor.  But I have God on my side and I know that God intends for Baby R to be in our little family.  HE has paved the way.  HE is making it happen.  I have taken my hands off the wheel and confessed any "works" that I have attached to it.  It's such a beautiful place to rest in his mighty, glorious power.

It's interesting to see the different lessons that God continues to teach me through these two amazing lives.  I feel like through Munni's adoption,  He showed me time and time again, through miracle after miracle, that NOTHING is too hard for him.  Her case was a difficult one indeed that left many people shaking their heads.  And yet, here she is, home with her mama!  I got a tattoo of the Genesis verse 18:14 to remind me of that.  I don't ever want to forget or grow calloused to his greatness.

I had been pondering what kind of ink I want to get for Baby R.  I kept praying, but nothing felt right.  Now I know :)

The Battle For Christmas Castle!

My good friends contacted me the week of Thanksgiving with some incredible news.  Eldon wrote a children's book about the battle for Christmas.  It was such a page turner!  They told me that they were feeling that the Lord was telling them to donate all the proceeds from the book to Sweet Baby R's adoption!!!  I am completely overwhelmed by their generosity!  I am waiting to receive my I-800a approval and R's CSR.  Once I receive her CSR, I will have to pay the $7,950 referral fee which includes the humanitarian fee as well.  This is the last payment I will have to make!

I have been pretty strung out this fall with all of Munni's medical stuff going on that all I could do was pray for R's adoption and funds to come from the Lord.  This is such a huge answer to prayer!  I love Eldon's and Kristen's hearts and their willingness to walk beside me on this path to bringing R home.

If you enjoyed any of the series from C.S. Lewis and The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, then you will be sure to enjoy this book!

Would you please consider purchasing a copy of this book?  Not only will you be receiving and incredible story to read with your children at Christmas time, but you will also be helping to bring Baby R home :)  You can purchase a copy here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and I hope you have a wonderful, blessed holiday season with your loved ones!

Due Date :)

Exactly a year ago today on December 14, 2011, Sarah found my blog and contacted me.  She didn't even know me but told me she had a back up plan for me to be able to go through with Munni's adoption.  This was exactly one month after Agency A told me that they couldn't complete MG's adoption.  

A year later, December 14th 2012,  I will be boarding a plane to meet my daughter.

The time between when I received that email from Agency A and when Sarah contacted me, I was holding on to faith.  It was all I had.  Every time I would start to get discouraged or started thinking negative thoughts, I reminded myself of how I felt the very first time I saw Munni's face, the electrical current that ran through my body, and the confirmation in prayer when I heard the Lord speak, "yes- she is the one I have intended for you."  

I wasn't always good at staying in faith though.  One specific night when I was decorating my Christmas tree, before Sarah had contacted me, I was really fighting against discouragement.  I kept praying and praying.  I always play Christmas music when I put up my tree, you know, to help with the Christmas Spirit and all.  Well, at this particular time, I wasn't feelin' the Christmas Spirit.  I was feeling more like Scrooge.  And then a song from Handel's Messiah came on.  I must have heard this song hundreds of times growing up, but in that moment it spoke to me like no other.  It's from Isaiah 40:4

"Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain."

I started to cry because I felt like Jesus was telling me that HE was clearing the path for me to bring Munni home.

And look where I am today.  I get overcome with emotion thinking about it, thinking about all that he did - all the mountains he flattened, the low points where he raised me up, all the twisting and winding around that led me straight to Munni.  It absolutely blows me away.

To top things off, when I first applied for the Nepal program way back in January of 2010, I prayed that the Lord would give me a due date.  There were so many unknowns and I asked if he was willing, could he please just give me a date, something to hold out for hope?

December 12 immediately flashed into my mind.  I emailed my friend who had been praying for me since the beginning of my adoption journey and told her the "due date."  Well, August 6th, 2010 Nepal was closed for international adoption.  I remember that December was very dark and bitter for me.  I scoffed at God and thought, "Thanks a lot for giving me hope for nothing."

I was so short-sighted.

You see, He had intended all along for my due date to be December 12.  It just took Him time to soften my heart, and time for me to surrender completely to him- to be open to the child HE had for me instead of my ideas. 

If you would have asked me when I very first started out on this journey if I would consider an older child, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I'm being honest.  I was so myopic and selfish and  misinformed that I would have missed out on the most beautiful little girl.  In the last couple of weeks, I've had a complete emotional release because I still can't believe that God has blessed me so much that I get to be her mama.  

And God made good on his promise.  My due date is December 2012.  A December that I will never forget!

Thankfulness and Hope

On November 4th 2011, I went to see Joel Osteen.  Just the other day, a good friend of mine was making fun of me for it, asking somewhat jokingly, how could I buy into it?  I told him to shut up and then started to cry.  You see, when I was at Joel Osteen, a lady was speaking.  She spoke about a woman whose only desire was to be a mother.  All of the odds were against her but she knew that the Lord had planted that seed in her heart.  After 20 years of praying and failed infertility treatments, she was on the verge of losing hope.  She had a random encounter with a stranger that renewed her hope and a week later, she received a phone call about adopting twins- would she take them?  The story was much longer and more detailed than what I am writing but when this story was being told, I had this overwhelming feeling that God was whispering to me that indeed, Munni would be my daughter.

Ten days later on November 14, 2011 I received an email.  It was from the agency where I found MG on the waiting children's list.  It simply stated, "Kristen, I am sorry to tell you that we won't be able to complete Munni's adoption.  In addition, we are putting our waiting children program on hold.  I wish I had better news."  The End.  No phone call, no comforting, nada.  Crushed, devastated, bewildered, confused....all of those emotions were running around in my head.  Hours earlier I had just won a fundraising grant with Ordinary Hero.  Talk about a buzz kill.  I prayed and prayed for clarity.  Did I imagine what the Lord whispered to me at Joel Osteen?  Am I crazy?  No.  Again, I heard the Lord tell me, "wait."  And so I did.  And I prayed every day and chose to trust that somehow, someway, He would bring about this adoption.  I didn't tell anyone about the email because I felt that by spreading the bad news, would be giving life to it.

EXACTLY one month later on December 14, 2011 a lady I didn't know contacted me through my blog.  I can't tell you how amazing Sarah's heart is for the orphan.  She asked me several questions about my adoption process and we exchanged emails.  This was the first time that I shared what agency A had told me about not completing Munni's adoption.  Then Sarah wrote me back and told me, "I have a back up plan for you."  I don't doubt for a minute that God brought Sarah into my life!  Talking with her renewed my hope to fight even harder for Munni.  Sarah was in contact with another agency and had called them and advocated for Munni and me.  Think about that!  She didn't even know me but took the time to make phone calls and investigate options for me.  To this day, I can't thank her enough.  I don't think I will ever be able to put into words just how grateful I am for meeting her!  Two days before Christmas, the situation was getting dire due to the change in adoption process in MG's country.  Sarah called me and told me to call agency B and talk with the program director.  She said that she was confident that they could help me.  I made the call and that's when the Christmas Miracle occurred!

I look back over this story and it makes me cry every time.  I see how much the Lord loves sweet Munni and how much he loves me.  The people he's weaved into our lives who brought encouragement and love, I wouldn't trade for anything.

Back to the other day when I told my friend to shut up (we are very good friends so it wasn't mean like that) and I started to cry.  I told him the night that I went to Joel Osteen gave me the hope I needed to keep battling for Munni.  When people told me it wasn't going to happen, I held onto the truth that woman said that night:  If God gives you a dream, he will honor that dream and bring it to fruition- EVEN when in our human minds, it doesn't seem possible.  And so now, a year later, I am a couple weeks from boarding a plane to meet my daughter for the very first time.

Hope got me through it.  Thankfulness is what I think every time I see her beautiful face.  It reminds me once again of the verse God has brought me to time and time again:

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" - Genesis 18:14