Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Levee Broke

It finally broke.  My emotions have been seriously bottled up and busting at the seams.  In public, I've barely been holding it together and in private I've been all weepy and sad.  Finally during one of my busiest shifts at the restaurant where I work, in the words of one of my co-workers, a switch went off.  That switch was acceptance.  I did manage to make it through the shift without a meltdown.  Then my poor manager during my cash out told me I looked so sad and that's all it took.  My face crumpled and off to the bathroom I went.  I think it took me about 7-10 minutes to get it together enough to go back out.  Thankfully, he told me to just go and he would take care of everything.  I got to my car and couldn't stop crying.  
  I talked, or more like sobbed, to my mom the next day for an hour and a half.  It was the first time that I said it out loud.  Another milestone in my journey, but not one that I wanted to make.  A couple of weeks ago the US Department of State posted Nepal's official statement on intercountry adoption.  So far, everything has come from the US side.  That's what makes this so different.  This is coming from Nepal.  And, in essence, they are giving everyone the big middle finger.  You can read their statement here. Just scroll down to the notice 1 on January 5, 2011.  For some reason, this wasn't posted until April 23, 2011 and that's when I found out about it.  I've been processing, or more like denying it for over a month.  Last Friday, I snapped.
  So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  I have so many emotions going on I don't even know where to start.  I still can't talk about it without crying so if you see me, please don't ask me anything about it, or tell me you are sorry or mention anything about it at all.  You see, I have no control over public crying.  The poor guy at the Starbuck's drive-thru got some of that when I was talking to my mom about everything. I can't even begin to put into words how devastated I am and how awful it feels.  I have so many questions- so.many.questions.- that I just don't understand.  I know that I have trusted God through this entire process and He has provided and showed up in ways that I couldn't have imagined. So, in this moment of what seems incredibly cruel and awful to me, I'm going to trust that he has a better plan.  I'm going to trust that somehow, someway, SofĂ­a will make it home- from where, I have no idea.

The Congo

My little sunshine.  Baby Joaquin has been a ray of hope for me since day one.  Staying true to form, I broke down and asked my case worker if I should expect a referral call this summer or just put that out of my head and not even think about that stuff until fall.  She told me that you can't predict anything, but she certainly would expect that I would hear something this summer:)
  I can not WAIT for summer to start. 3 days.  I need to re-group and get some peace in my heart.  I'm looking forward to working in my garden (my roses are looking so pretty:) and taking long walks with the puppy dogs.  And just maybe, God will smile down upon me and let me get that much anticipated phone call for a sweet baby boy waiting in the Congo.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Mustard Seed

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling all hostile inside, frustrated with the things that were going wrong, the blatant attacks from the jackass enemy,  and  I could feel myself about to go all D-Generation X on someone when the illness descended upon me.  I really believe it was from God.  And for good reason.  I was laid out for 5 days straight- fever, cold, and a nasty, viral cough that made me sound like I had been smoking a carton of menthols daily since the day I was born.  It was during my malaise that I realized AGAIN that it's not up to me to get things accomplished.  I was reading in Matthew one of Jesus' snazzy little metaphors and it really struck me.

"You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them.  "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move.  Nothing would be impossible."  -  Matthew 17:20

First he tells them that they don't have enough faith and then proceeds to tell them if they had it the size of a mustard seed they could move a mountain.  Huh?  The mustard seed was the smallest thing imaginable.  So if faith even as small or underdeveloped as a mustard seed  is sufficient to move mountains, then I realized I must still be relying on MY own ability. Big mistake.  The more I thought about this verse I realized that it only takes a little bit of faith, the amount of a tiny mustard seed, BUT the amount that trusts in God's power.  Chalk up another "a-ha!" moment for me!  Right there in my weakened, sickly state, I again surrendered the whole process and all of the stress to God and told him, Your will be done in Your timing.

I don't know what it is about surrender, but man it feels good.  And it just so happens that I have some good turn-of-events-news- since the surrender moment!


That represents the number of families waiting to get their visas approved.  That's right- ZERO!!!  Every single pipeline family has received their visa and if not already home, they are on their way home! AND NOT ONE SINGLE CASE OF FRAUD WAS FOUND!!!!!  Now, well, I don't know.  I do know that I need your prayers more than ever because I believe that there is a major spiritual battle going on.  There are two main organizations that have had a role in policy making and these organizations happen to have a history of being very anti-adoption when it comes to international adoption.  They think it would be better for a child to grow up in an orphanage and maintain his/her culture than to grow up in a family that is not of his/her country of origin.  I have to really exhale before I start this conversation.  You see, I am a language teacher.  I "get" the whole culture thing and understand how important it is.  However, culture evolves- like language, like technology, like life...... so at what point does culture supersede the right of a child to grow up in a family when there is no family in his/her culture willing/able to adopt that child?  Call me crazy but I think family trumps culture. Every time.  

The Congo

Signed.  Sealed.  Delivered!  My dossier has been sent in and I am "officially" on the list for a baby boy!  What this really means is that I am OFFICIALLY WAITING!!!!!!  Next comes a referral:)  You know, the day when I get "the call" for the referral of a baby.  Once I accept the referral, I will fill out a tribunal letter, wait some more and then travel to pick him up!!  I have no idea of where I am on the list and honestly, I don't want to know.  I think it's better for me to not know and to just take it one day at a time, praying for baby Joaquin, trusting that I will get the call in God's perfect timing!  Let's just say that I feel like I'm going to have a really great summer!

Thank you so much to everyone who has been sending me support both financially and emotionally!  I can't begin to tell you how awesome it is to get a letter of encouragement in the mail!  It makes my day!  I've saved every single one so that one day, these little ones will be able to look back and see everyone who was cheering them on!

On the eve of cinco de mayo-