Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly



I found out that a family from the Netherlands has received a referral.  This may not sound like a big deal but that fact that Nepal is basically operating without a government right now and they are still trying to move forward with intercountry adoptions shows at least some effort on their part.  I continue to be hopeful that the 80 pipeline families will bring their children home soon.  The last I heard, 5 have received visas and 3 have made it home.  One of the families who have been stuck in Nepal has this website of their beautiful daughter.  This woman is an AMAZING photographer, I encourage you to check out their website to see the beauty of their little daughter and the beauty of Nepal.

The Congo

I submitted my fingerprints to the USCIS on Friday, December 10th.  Since it's been about 30 below zero, my hands were really dry.  The agent told me that my lines were faint due to dry skin and they might not accept them.  Really?  I'm in the system!!  I asked her if they would check my prints against the ones submitted for the Nepal adoption and the ones submitted for my teaching license.  They aren't even 6 months old!  Anyway, if they happen to reject them, then they will set up another appointment for me to resubmit.  If that happens, I will be exfoliating like crazy before the appointment!

A week before my fingerprint appointment I hit a road block.  No, more like a brick wall.  Without going into too much detail, my most promising options for funding the adoptions had the door slammed shut on them.  Now, Literally, I had no resources to complete these adoptions.

I would love to be able to say that I was Susie Sunshine after hearing the news about my financial options but the reality of it was that I was a lot more like Bitter Betty.  On crack.  Seriously.  Probably the closest I've come to a nervous breakdown, if that term is still even used.  It was an ugly 2 weeks all the way around.  It involved shouting matches at God (key word "at"), several meltdowns in public places - oh, hey mister, please don't stare at me while I wipe tears from my eyes and snot from my nose- I get it, but what I'm trying to do is get it together in the middle of the frozen foods aisle and you staring at me doesn't help! 
   I was on the verge of throwing in the towel because in my feeble human mind I felt two things 1) Desperate and 2) Hopeless.  Not a good combination.  Of course, I ran all the scenarios through my head, did I not pray hard enough? frequently enough? was I mean to someone?  then I started taking mental inventory on my sinful self and concluded that I was not worthy to be a mother and that must be why.  These are some of the thoughts a desperate and hopeless person like myself kept thinking.  I tried to read my bible, pray, sing praise songs, asked others to pray for me, and it seemed like none of it was working.  Each day I felt worse and worse.  I knew I was in really bad shape when I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and didn't cry once.  You have to understand that I watch this movie every year, and every year, I cry.  I needed some serious intervention.

I forced myself to participate in Christmas activities-I figured maybe, just maybe it will help get me out of this funk.  I had been praying that God would give me a word.  Any word.  That if indeed I wasn't supposed to complete these adoptions, that He would give me peace about it.  Or, if this setback is part of His plan, that he would encourage me because that's what I really, really needed.   So far, I had been met with silence.  I decided to put up a Christmas tree even though I was battling within myself about how stupid this tradition was, all this work just to take it down in a couple of weeks, who cares anyway, blah, blah blah.  So, I put on Handel's Messiah while I decorated.  Finally, a word.  One of the songs really spoke to me.  I can't explain it but I knew this was God's answer to my prayer.  The song is from Isaiah 40:4
 "Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill made low, the crooked straight, and the rough places plain, then the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together."

I knew that God was speaking to me- that He will make this happen.  He never says how He will but always that He will. And, that HE will receive all the glory.  Again, I had to take my hands off the wheel and put everything back into His hands.  Slowly but surely, hope was restored.  I feel like He cleared my mind and renewed my spirit.  He has given my many ideas, of which I am pursuing gladly.  Yes, it's a completely different path than I had imagined, but one that I feel is accomplishing His purposes.  I will be able to share more details in the coming months, but for now I am completely trusting in this plan He has planted in my mind and again, He has brought me to that place of His perfect peace.

I can't thank enough those who have been praying for me.  I know that it was those prayers that were sustaining me through that awful period of desperation and hopelessness. 

 The last verse I would like to share that He spoke to me during this trial is from Isaiah 40:11
  "He will feed his flock like a shepherd.  He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young."