Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Heartbroken

After two years on the waiting list, after 47 weeks of praying for her, after 31 weeks of having a God-given dream about her adoption, today, in the very hour that I was finally approved to move forward,
Our little Sparrow was matched.

But not with me.

I can't even put into words all of the emotions I felt and continue to feel.
We are heartbroken.  Roopa has faithfully prayed for her "twin" every single day.  She talks about her all the time and tells me in great detail all of the adventures she is planning to have with her once she is home.  She doesn't understand why on the day I received approval, another family beat us to match.

I spent most of the day in bed, crying, praying, questioning.
To say I was not in a good place is beyond an understatement.
How can this be?  There were SO MANY THINGS that confirmed she was ours.  Miracle after miracle occurred to get me where I am today in the process.

It was very tempting to go down all of the rabbit holes.  The abyss of "what ifs?"
What if I had started a week sooner?  What if my social worker wouldn't have delayed approving my home study?  What if the India team hadn't left for India right as my home study was being approved?  What if I had been uploaded one day sooner?  What if...?

And then there is the why?  Why would God lead me on this journey again when I was certain I was finished growing my family?  The adoption journey is not fun.  It is torturous.  The last thing I wanted to do was be in process again.  Why would he give me that dream?  Why did he give me the other miraculous confirmations?  
But the biggest why I have asked all day is, why did God allow me to get to the HOUR of approval just for someone else to match with her?  Why would he allow my heart to break in ways I didn't know were possible?


This morning during my devotional before I even heard the news, I meditated on Psalm 25.  Throughout the psalm, his word proclaims that those who hope in the Lord will not be ashamed.  A few short hours later, I found myself struggling to believe this.
I could hear the ridicule already.  You were foolish to believe.  Why did you think God would hold her for you?  You should have guarded Roopa's heart.  What a fool to believe in God.  You say he's a loving God, but what kind of loving God would do that?  What kind of loving God would time it just so?  It felt incredibly cruel.

I was nauseous all day.  My mind clouded by the tornado of fear, grief, and doubt that swirled in my thoughts.

I cried out to him, begging for anything.

He answered me. 
 He sent his love through my dearest friends.  He sent his love through the words of compassion, empathy, and sorrow from other adoptive moms.  He sent his love through the texts, the messages, and the phone calls from my family and friends.  He held me up with their wisdom and empathy and he righted my path.

It has been a slippery slope but I refuse to allow bitterness, anger, and unbelief finish her story.

I am clinging to his word.  I am hanging onto the truths I know deep within my spirit.  I know that he is a loving God.  His plans for me are for a future and hope, for good and not for evil.  I remembered Job and how after he had lost everything, he still blessed the name of the Lord.

And so I lay prostrate before him, confessing the wondrous things he has done in my life.  He has brought complete transformation to me and my girls.  He bathed us in his love and his healing.  Today, he reminded me that his way are not my ways.  Although I may not understand, he is still at work within me and for me and around me.  

I believe that I am in the midst of the greatest test of my faith.  Will I still love him if she doesn't come home?  Will I still praise his name if she does not become my daughter?  Will I fully, completely, and with total abandon, surrender to him and his will for my life?  Even when that means certain heartache?

Six years ago this month, I was in the exact same spot with Munni.  I had been praying for her every single day and waiting on the India program to end its suspension.  
The agency with whom I found her informed me that they could not help me bring her home.
Utter devastation took over me.
God stripped me of my heart's deepest desire and in the most excruciating moment of my life, I let her go.  
I surrendered her to God.  
Broken in every way, I sacrificed my one true desire and told him that if there was a better family out there for her, so be it.
As I write this, Munni is reading next to me.  
Tears won't stop falling as I am reminded of  the incredible and miraculous journey he led me on to make us a family.

So here I am again.  
Broken.  Weary.  Grieving. Shattered.
Will he once again write a miraculous story that ends with Our Little Sparrow somehow coming home to us?
Or will it be a different ending?
With every fiber of my being, I want her with us, part of our family.  
My knees will be bloody from begging.

I am hoping beyond hope that he makes the way for her to come home.
But once again, I am on the mountain with my Isaac.
I lay Our Little Sparrow at his feet and surrender her to him.
He knows the perfect family for her.
He knows the perfect daughter/sister for us.
Although I'm wringing my hands in prayer that he will declare us to be her family and for her to be our daughter/sister,
I have to trust in who he says he is, his power that holds up the universe, and that every single thing he does is for the good of those who love him.

And somehow, at the end of all of this, I will glorify his name.


Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped.  And he said:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.



5 comments:

  1. My heart breaks, praying for peace beyond understanding for all of you

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  2. I'm sorry for your heartbreak! Your testimony is beautiful profound inspiring and so real. You are amazing and your words impact all who reads

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  3. I'm so sorry, Kristen. My heart hurts for you. I will definitely be praying for you, your girls, your little sparrow, and every detail of the whole situation. It does not feel like it today, but the Lord has brought you through so much already, there is no way He hasn't got this in His loving, gracious hands, too.

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  4. I'm so sad for you. I keep hoping as well, that she will be your daughter at the end of the day. I love your faith and that even in this time of sorrow, you're choosing to trust Him. Love you friend.

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