So yesterday was the kickoff to my birthday weekend and what better way to start that party than to come home and find this waiting for me??!!!!
This humbles me on so many levels. Having my luggage stolen with all of Munni's adoption paperwork inside has proved to be a canvas for God to create masterpieces of his goodness, his faithfulness, his provision, and his never-ending love. Despite not having that paperwork and with Ind*a not complying to requests for copies of the documents, He made it happen. I was able to get medical care for her that saved her life. I was able to finalize her adoption in the United States, which allowed me to get her a state birth certificate. I was able to get her a SSN. And now, she has a USA passport! I am in awe!
During the month of January I did a media fast. It was so, so good. I was able to really reflect on some things and spent a ton of time in prayer. One of the things I have been struggling with is Baby R's adoption- or more accurately- my prayers for her adoption. With Munni, I think because I was in limbo for so long and deep in my heart, I just knew I had to get her out of there (turns out my mother instincts were right), so my prayers were prayers of desperation, pleading, begging, beseeching. It consumed me.
With Baby R's adoption, everything happened so quickly. I got the call about her on a Monday evening. Tuesday morning came and found out that she was truly available. Wednesday came and I was officially matched with her on the C*R*NGS website. Saturday morning came and I woke up to two precious pictures of my daughter. Those pictures spoke VOLUMES about the type of care she is receiving. Her hair is long. They took time to make sure she was dressed in a beautiful dress. She had on clean, white socks :) Her hair was fixed beautifully and she was wearing bangles. I never received a photo of Munni like that. In fact, in October 2012, just two months before I would meet her, I received 2 photos of her that made me break down and sob. She looked so thin. Her hair was shaved. She looked like an inmate :(
This past fall, I was consumed with Munni's health issues. I was a wreck. And on top of that I was getting all the paperwork compiled for my home study update, Munni's finalization, and my dossier. I was also fundraising. I was cuh -RAY- zeeeeee. A straight jacket would have been my fall wardrobe go-to item. All of that to say that between that stress and the comfort of knowing that R is in a place where she is being well cared for, my prayers weren't prayers of desperation, or pleading, or begging, or beseeching. I felt extremely guilty. I felt like a slacker. Did I not love Baby R as much as Munni because my prayers were so different? Was I really allowing my heart to be fully open to her? Or, had my prayer life evolved? Was I trusting God more this time around? I would like to think that it was the latter but in all reality, it was more of me being at a point where I told God he had to handle this because I didn't have anything to give. I was completely spent. I was empty. And you know what? That's exactly where he wanted me. He whispered his sweet words of wisdom to me that it's not about anything that I do. It never is. It's about him and what he's capable to do. Here's the rub- since I prayed so much for Munni and her process, He showed me that I was attaching my "works" to her adoption being completed. In my heart, I was stealing glory from God. Not a fun realization. I was reading the book of Zechariah when this really sunk in and hit home. I was reading about Zerubbabel and how he was given the responsibility to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem:
"This is what the Lord says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven's Armies. Nothing, not even a mighty mountain, will stand in Zerubbabel's way; it will become a level plain before him! And when Zerubbabel sets the final stone of the Temple in place, the people will shout: 'May God bless it! May God bless it!'" - Zechariah 4:6-7
And then I read the commentary:
"Many people believe that to survive in this world a person must be tough, strong, unbending, and harsh. But God says, "Not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit." The keys words are "by my Spirit." It is only through God's Spirit that anything of lasting value is accomplished. The returned exiles were indeed weak- harassed by their enemies, tired, discouraged, and poor. But actually they had God on their side! As you live for God, determine not to trust in your own strength or abilities. Instead, depend on God and work in the power of his Spirit!"
Whoa! I was a blubbering mess! He spoke straight to me heart and it was beautiful. Instead of "returned exiles" he could have put my name. Kristen was weak. Kristen was tired. Kristen was discouraged. Kristen was poor. But I have God on my side and I know that God intends for Baby R to be in our little family. HE has paved the way. HE is making it happen. I have taken my hands off the wheel and confessed any "works" that I have attached to it. It's such a beautiful place to rest in his mighty, glorious power.
It's interesting to see the different lessons that God continues to teach me through these two amazing lives. I feel like through Munni's adoption, He showed me time and time again, through miracle after miracle, that NOTHING is too hard for him. Her case was a difficult one indeed that left many people shaking their heads. And yet, here she is, home with her mama! I got a tattoo of the Genesis verse 18:14 to remind me of that. I don't ever want to forget or grow calloused to his greatness.
I had been pondering what kind of ink I want to get for Baby R. I kept praying, but nothing felt right. Now I know :)
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| The cutest passport picture! |
During the month of January I did a media fast. It was so, so good. I was able to really reflect on some things and spent a ton of time in prayer. One of the things I have been struggling with is Baby R's adoption- or more accurately- my prayers for her adoption. With Munni, I think because I was in limbo for so long and deep in my heart, I just knew I had to get her out of there (turns out my mother instincts were right), so my prayers were prayers of desperation, pleading, begging, beseeching. It consumed me.
With Baby R's adoption, everything happened so quickly. I got the call about her on a Monday evening. Tuesday morning came and found out that she was truly available. Wednesday came and I was officially matched with her on the C*R*NGS website. Saturday morning came and I woke up to two precious pictures of my daughter. Those pictures spoke VOLUMES about the type of care she is receiving. Her hair is long. They took time to make sure she was dressed in a beautiful dress. She had on clean, white socks :) Her hair was fixed beautifully and she was wearing bangles. I never received a photo of Munni like that. In fact, in October 2012, just two months before I would meet her, I received 2 photos of her that made me break down and sob. She looked so thin. Her hair was shaved. She looked like an inmate :(
This past fall, I was consumed with Munni's health issues. I was a wreck. And on top of that I was getting all the paperwork compiled for my home study update, Munni's finalization, and my dossier. I was also fundraising. I was cuh -RAY- zeeeeee. A straight jacket would have been my fall wardrobe go-to item. All of that to say that between that stress and the comfort of knowing that R is in a place where she is being well cared for, my prayers weren't prayers of desperation, or pleading, or begging, or beseeching. I felt extremely guilty. I felt like a slacker. Did I not love Baby R as much as Munni because my prayers were so different? Was I really allowing my heart to be fully open to her? Or, had my prayer life evolved? Was I trusting God more this time around? I would like to think that it was the latter but in all reality, it was more of me being at a point where I told God he had to handle this because I didn't have anything to give. I was completely spent. I was empty. And you know what? That's exactly where he wanted me. He whispered his sweet words of wisdom to me that it's not about anything that I do. It never is. It's about him and what he's capable to do. Here's the rub- since I prayed so much for Munni and her process, He showed me that I was attaching my "works" to her adoption being completed. In my heart, I was stealing glory from God. Not a fun realization. I was reading the book of Zechariah when this really sunk in and hit home. I was reading about Zerubbabel and how he was given the responsibility to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem:
"This is what the Lord says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven's Armies. Nothing, not even a mighty mountain, will stand in Zerubbabel's way; it will become a level plain before him! And when Zerubbabel sets the final stone of the Temple in place, the people will shout: 'May God bless it! May God bless it!'" - Zechariah 4:6-7
And then I read the commentary:
"Many people believe that to survive in this world a person must be tough, strong, unbending, and harsh. But God says, "Not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit." The keys words are "by my Spirit." It is only through God's Spirit that anything of lasting value is accomplished. The returned exiles were indeed weak- harassed by their enemies, tired, discouraged, and poor. But actually they had God on their side! As you live for God, determine not to trust in your own strength or abilities. Instead, depend on God and work in the power of his Spirit!"
Whoa! I was a blubbering mess! He spoke straight to me heart and it was beautiful. Instead of "returned exiles" he could have put my name. Kristen was weak. Kristen was tired. Kristen was discouraged. Kristen was poor. But I have God on my side and I know that God intends for Baby R to be in our little family. HE has paved the way. HE is making it happen. I have taken my hands off the wheel and confessed any "works" that I have attached to it. It's such a beautiful place to rest in his mighty, glorious power.
It's interesting to see the different lessons that God continues to teach me through these two amazing lives. I feel like through Munni's adoption, He showed me time and time again, through miracle after miracle, that NOTHING is too hard for him. Her case was a difficult one indeed that left many people shaking their heads. And yet, here she is, home with her mama! I got a tattoo of the Genesis verse 18:14 to remind me of that. I don't ever want to forget or grow calloused to his greatness.
I had been pondering what kind of ink I want to get for Baby R. I kept praying, but nothing felt right. Now I know :)
so happy for you Kristen! This had me in tears. The love and fight you have for your girls is so moving!! they are very lucky xoxo Kim (I can't figure out how to show who I am below, but it's Kim, Amiah's momma lol)
ReplyDeleteYay!!! God is so good, and so faithful to teach us many, many, MANY things during the adoption process. It is worth it, even if it is so insanely hard. :) Love you tons.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kristen, for this post. It is just what I needed to hear tonight. It is not up to me, to make this referral go through. It is not through my strength that it will happen.
ReplyDelete