Sunday, April 10, 2011
Control Freaks Need Not Apply
Since I started out on this adoption journey, I've experienced the most joy, answered prayers, and witnessed more miracles take place than I ever have in my entire life. I have also experienced more stress, anxiety, fear, and never, ever felt so out of control. Adoption is H-A-R-D. It's a constant state of hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. Rush around to get this done or this sent in or this document signed then- wait for the next stage of, "hurry up! we must have this by such and such date, time is of the essence because we want to make sure that we have all your documents in just in the nick of time so we can make you - wait." I see how through all of this God has been changing me. Slowly but surely he has been making some progress:) But just when I start showing him, "see! look at me! I'm patient! I'm trusting! I'm peaceful!" He throws me a curve ball. And I know it's not because he's a mean God. It's because he loves me and he wants the best for me and he wants me to continue to grow. So, the curve ball came in the form of silence. I wasn't getting much feedback from the fundraising, my tips became significantly lower (which is very strange based on the restaurant where I work) and I had this overwhelming pressure weighing down on me. I was on the verge of tears for a couple of days and finally broke down and cried at lunch one day. I blamed my red nose and puffy eyes on allergies to my 6th bell class. Thank God 7th graders are still gullible! When I got home from school there was an email from a friend from high school. She has been through the adoption process and has two beautiful girls from Guatemala. She told me that when we go through the adoption process we lose all control and have to submit to others to getting the job done and have to submit totally to God as well. It made me think, am I really submitting to God? Am I really trusting that HE will provide? I realized that there was a part of me that was still trying to control the outcome.
I have always had vivid dreams. I know God uses them to speak to me as throughout the years I've experienced some major answers to prayers through my dreams. That night I had a dream that I would describe as a mix between Transformers and Speed. It was so freakin' scary! It was Christmas night and I got into my car. I drive an Xterra, which is capable of off-roading. A car that, normally, driving in you would feel safe. As soon as I started my car, I realized that I was on a sheet of ice and my car started doing donuts. Fun, right? well, the car started spinning faster. I tried to put my safety belt on, but it was jammed. I kept reaching for the 4-wheel drive button and the more I tried to push it, the faster the car spun around. So I tried to hit the brakes, nothing was working!! Next thing I knew, my car was spinning down the highway, completely out of control, and I remember thinking, "I'm going to die." Then, these huge semis and cop cars came out of nowhere and were all around me and the highway was shut down ( can you envision the scene from SPEED?) and I heard this loud megaphone "MA'AM- TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE WHEEL!! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE WHEEL!" Then they came up and basically crushed my car between them to get my car to stop. I remember looking out the window and I could see all of the rubber burning off of their tires! When my car finally finally stopped, I got out, crying and the officer looked at me and said, "That was a close one, ma'am."
Then I woke up. After my heart rate returned to normal I started to laugh. I must be driving God crazy because that dream really drove the point home! With that said, I'm trying to just take it day by day and really surrender to him and KEEP my hands off the wheel.
Posted by Kristen at 9:05 PM
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I like your interpretation of your dream.ReplyDelete
Hang in there, Kristen. It's all in motion.(((hugs)))
That's good stuff Wms. Hang in there girl. You're doing great!!! Love, K to the J to the WJReplyDelete
I believe adoption is so challenging because at times it seems like so many people are in charge of making it happen. It is so freeing when you realize God is ultimately in control. (not always easy to stay there for me. :-)) Praying for you as you proceed. Bless you!ReplyDelete
Kristen, You popped up on my fb today and I'm so glad you did. I so enjoyed reading your entry above. The kind of love you are going after inspires me. From one new mom to the next soon to be mom...way to live it! I am going to repost this on my page... I will be keeping you in my prayers. I am so excited for you and know it will be all worth it.ReplyDelete
Your old neighbor, Emily Roach Baumann