Motherhood

The other day a friend texted me and said, "Facebook makes it seem like you're doing well.  Do you feel that way?"  That is the million dollar question!  I'm thinking she didn't read my post where I talked about all the struggles of adopting an older child.  It's definitely not all roses and walks in the park but I'm also not in a straight jacket.  I think that the behavioral struggles we have are pretty normal.  There are some days (like yesterday) when Motherhood is kicking my butt and taking names.  And there are other days when I pinch myself because I can't believe how lucky I am that I get to be Munni's mommy.  I've come to the conclusion that Motherhood is one, giant, oxymoron.  Never have I felt so inadequate and then, so capable.  It's a Jedi mind trick.  Some days, we nail it and it is AWESOME.  And then there are days like last Friday.  When we were snuggling before bed, Munni opened up and shared in detail what  had happened to her.  By far, that was the most difficult moment I've had being her mom.  To hear your child recount events that no child should ever experience is a hellish nightmare.  What I would give to have just 2 minutes alone in a room with that person.  It would be a bloody mess and it wouldn't be my blood, I can tell you that much.  It made me understand the imprecatory psalms on a whole new level.  This is an area where I really need to pray that I can forgive, because I'm not feelin' it.  I know I have to, but I think it's gonna take awhile.

Once she fell asleep, I immediately called my sister and bawled my eyes out.  We talked and talked and prayed and ultimately, I know that it is healthy that Munni remembers.  Also, the fact that she felt safe enough with me to share that is HUGE.  I've done a ton of research on trauma and one of the things I didn't want to happen, would be for her to remember later in life.  Everything I've read says that if severe trauma happens to a child during a time when they spoke their mother tongue and then later, when they no longer speak that language the memories come back, they have a very hard time healing and dealing with the trauma because they don't have the language capability to recall those events.  In other words, they feel the pain but because the memory was stored in one language that is no longer learned, they can't bring it into a logical memory.  Munni still speaks Telugu and her expressive English is really expanding, so she is able to verbally bring those memories out in the open.  I was able to comfort her and reassure her of the love and safety she has with me and my family.  This is an ongoing process and I am thankful that as hard as it was to hear all of that, I now have specifics to pray about.  I know all pray works but I also know for me, the more specific I am, the greater the answer.

After she opened up to me about her past, she was super clingy.  Lots and lots of regression.  She wanted the bottle, she wanted to be spoon fed, and any time I left the room, she would say, "Mommy, me coming with you."  Regression is also very, very healthy so even though it was heartbreaking, I am so happy that her healing is taking place.

On the flip side of it, I have absolutely LOVED seeing Munni grow, learn, explore, and experience things that every child should experience.  Her school was selected for the City's Arbor Day celebration.  All of the kindergarten children got to sing a song and then help plant the oak tree.  This was the last day of my maternity leave so my mom and I were able to go to the school and watch it all go down.  One thing I love about Munni and my relationship is that she knows how much I love photography.  She has a spidey sense about when I have my camera out and even in a crowd, she can zero in on me!  Here are some pics from that day :)

eagerly awaiting her turn!

she loves to garden and she was so happy doing this!

With my mom, affectionately known as, "Papa"

She came home from school on Friday and was SO EXCITED to give me her surprise she had been working on for me for Mother's Day.  She loves my flower garden and she made me this vase for all of the flowers that are about to bloom.  I love her!!!

And she also filled out this questionnaire about me:

 I was cracking up when I read it.  The raw coconut oil must really be working for me because I don't think I look 40 hundred years!  And then I cried when I read the last one.  For her to be able to say, "She's my mom" is such a miracle!  I love Munni so much and to see her bravely going forward with each day, just melts my heart.  She is such a trooper and a happy little girl.  I am thankful that she knows Jesus and loves him because it's from him that she will receive her healing.  I think about her life- where she's been and where's she's going- and I get so excited!  I can't wait to see God's plan for her life unfold, and for that, I am forever grateful that I am her mom and that I get front row seats to the show!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mamas out there- no matter where you are in the process- It is a divine gift!