Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Last Couple of Miles...

Today, I'm feeling like I just finished running 20 miles and am headed down the home stretch.  And IT HURTS.  I woke this morning to find an email from my caseworker.  She sent me new pictures of MG that were taken last week.  They broke my heart.  When I first read the subject line I was super excited!!!  New Pictures!!!!  I guess because the ones I got from February, where she looks SO HAPPY, I was imagining that these would be similar.  Instead, I saw a thinner, shyer, version of the face I love.  It didn't help that they recently cut off all of her hair.  She almost looks as if she could be in a concentration camp.  Those photos did something to me.  The anguish of not being able to do ANYTHING to hurry this along, to not be able to go to her IMMEDIATELY, and to know that she has no idea how hard I'm fighting for her, well, it's just plain torture. It's also a huge reality check of the fact that she is growing up in an institution- not a family.  I would give anything, ANYTHING, to be able to take all of these experiences away from her.
     The pictures also revealed more scars that I've never seen before.  Because of the lighting in the other photos I have of her, and because her hair was longer, you couldn't see the scars.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I already have such a hard time processing what she went through but then to see a new reminder of just how horrible it was, made me want to vomit.  I cried three times at school today because I was so upset.  I seriously want to be on a plane like yesterday.
     My friends have been super comforting and praying for me and I really appreciate it because right now? I need all the prayer I can get :(  And more than that, my sweet MG needs tons of prayers.
     If you think about it, will you please pray that I can get my court date ASAP?
Thank you SO MUCH because this mamma is feeling desperate.


  1. You know I've been praying for you all day. My heart hurts for you. Wish I was there to give you the biggest hug ever.

    So much love...

  2. Kristen, this is just heartbreaking. There is so much loss and pain in our kids' backgrounds -- and sometimes it's visible in their appearance. I will pray for Munni's healing, for her emotional and physical health while she waits for you, for a speedy court date, and for your mother's heart while you wait.
    Sending love and prayers,

  3. Oh Kristen, I am so sorry. I do know just how you feel. When we were adopting Grace, we got some photos of her where she looked so thin and had bug bites all over her legs and arms. She also looked so very sad. I could hardly stand it!

    I'll be praying, praying, praying.

    Love you,

  4. I shared this with my husband a little while ago and we both went immediately into prayer for you and sweet Munni. I've been praying for you daily and now he will be too! He is a great prayer warrior. My heart aches for you, Munni and all the other orphans needing a family...including our sweet little one(s).

  5. Urgh, this post gave my flash backs, post traumatic stress, and a pit in my throat. I was so there, I remember getting our most recent pictures of our Neha about 3 months before we traveled. She looked lost, freshly hair massacred, and so lonely and distant. The pain of these emotions, after months and years of waiting for someone you used to know (in pictures) is truely horrible. I actually plotted a whole plan to move our family to India to wait. Rent an appartment and wait out the holidays at least with our girl. Hang in there, I never knew god before my life was perfectly orchestrated 10 months ago. He has her under his wing. She has a peace about you even though she doesn't know you. Soon enough you will be dealing with other issues, but at least she will be under your care, I sooo know how your feeling. Have peace knowing you are closer than you have ever been.

  6. P.s . Our daughters scars for chicken pox right before we gathered her are almost completely gone. Her skin is radiant, at least when heavily lubed, and she is mostly wonderful.

  7. Oh I am praying for you and for your sweet girl!

  8. Pictures were always a mixed blessing. I'd long for them, and then when I got them they would make the worry more, the waiting harder. But I'd still pray for another batch! Prayers from Maine. The tail end is so hard.

  9. Hi Kristen,
    My daughter from India scars very easily. A little scratch or bug bite that I might not even notice on my lighter skinned daughter looks like a terrible scar on Nina, but heals and goes away over time.
    Try not to worry!