Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Levee Broke

It finally broke.  My emotions have been seriously bottled up and busting at the seams.  In public, I've barely been holding it together and in private I've been all weepy and sad.  Finally during one of my busiest shifts at the restaurant where I work, in the words of one of my co-workers, a switch went off.  That switch was acceptance.  I did manage to make it through the shift without a meltdown.  Then my poor manager during my cash out told me I looked so sad and that's all it took.  My face crumpled and off to the bathroom I went.  I think it took me about 7-10 minutes to get it together enough to go back out.  Thankfully, he told me to just go and he would take care of everything.  I got to my car and couldn't stop crying.  
  I talked, or more like sobbed, to my mom the next day for an hour and a half.  It was the first time that I said it out loud.  Another milestone in my journey, but not one that I wanted to make.  A couple of weeks ago the US Department of State posted Nepal's official statement on intercountry adoption.  So far, everything has come from the US side.  That's what makes this so different.  This is coming from Nepal.  And, in essence, they are giving everyone the big middle finger.  You can read their statement here. Just scroll down to the notice 1 on January 5, 2011.  For some reason, this wasn't posted until April 23, 2011 and that's when I found out about it.  I've been processing, or more like denying it for over a month.  Last Friday, I snapped.
  So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  I have so many emotions going on I don't even know where to start.  I still can't talk about it without crying so if you see me, please don't ask me anything about it, or tell me you are sorry or mention anything about it at all.  You see, I have no control over public crying.  The poor guy at the Starbuck's drive-thru got some of that when I was talking to my mom about everything. I can't even begin to put into words how devastated I am and how awful it feels.  I have so many questions- so.many.questions.- that I just don't understand.  I know that I have trusted God through this entire process and He has provided and showed up in ways that I couldn't have imagined. So, in this moment of what seems incredibly cruel and awful to me, I'm going to trust that he has a better plan.  I'm going to trust that somehow, someway, SofĂ­a will make it home- from where, I have no idea.

The Congo

My little sunshine.  Baby Joaquin has been a ray of hope for me since day one.  Staying true to form, I broke down and asked my case worker if I should expect a referral call this summer or just put that out of my head and not even think about that stuff until fall.  She told me that you can't predict anything, but she certainly would expect that I would hear something this summer:)
  I can not WAIT for summer to start. 3 days.  I need to re-group and get some peace in my heart.  I'm looking forward to working in my garden (my roses are looking so pretty:) and taking long walks with the puppy dogs.  And just maybe, God will smile down upon me and let me get that much anticipated phone call for a sweet baby boy waiting in the Congo.

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