Saying Yes to the Scary and the Unknown in International Adoption

*** TRIGGER WARNING****

This is a transparent and possibly uncomfortable post to read.  My views have been formed based on my personal experience and also from families who have shared intimate details of their journey with me.  In addition, my faith is the biggest guiding factor in how I shape my views and make decisions.  After completing four international, "special needs" adoptions, this is where I have landed in regards to accepting a referral.

I arrived at each of my daughters' referrals differently:  1) through a waiting child list  2) a call from my caseworker asking if I was ready to return to the India program  3) waiting the traditional way for THE CALL and 4) by default after losing a child I had prayed for and pursued for close to a year.  Furthermore, each of my daughters arrived at their respective orphanages in different ways and at different ages.  They each have a unique story.   Finally, they came home at various ages:  Almost 7 years old,  3.5 years old,  19 months,  and 4 years old.

If you read my book, then you know when I started on this adoption journey, all I could envision for myself was a healthy baby.  I was naive and selfish.  God used the closure of Nepal to begin the process of gently stripping away my desires and replacing them with his.  A paradigm shift happened and I clearly became aware that international adoption is not about my wants and desires; it's about providing a family and a home for a child that has none.  It seems obvious, but when you are in pursuit of motherhood or building your family or "answering the call" or whatever other reason that led you to adopt, it's easy for your vision to become cloudy and self-centered.

With each successive adoption, my idea of "special needs" has evolved.  What I once thought scary, terrifying, overwhelming, or a definite NO, has been replaced with a deeper understanding of God's grace and provision.

What I said YES to when I signed their referral papers:

Trauma
RAD
Facial anomalies
Severe scarring
Older child
Failure to Thrive
Strong susceptibility for severe behavioral issues
Unilateral leg paralysis
Sickle Cell Anemia
Meningitis

The reality of my YES once they were home and received medical care:

Trauma
Facial anomalies
Severe scarring
Older child
Failure to Thrive
Unilateral leg paralysis - HEALED
Sickle Cell Anemia - Turned out to be trait
Meningitis 
Alpha Thalassemia
Brain damage
Unilateral hearing loss - severe
Active lymph node TB
Active ocular TB
Latent TB
Microcephaly
Cerebral Palsy
Speech Delay
Schistosomiasis
Septopreoptic holoprosencephaly
Toxocara
Giardia
Hepatitis A
Cafe au lait spots
Strabismus
Metabolic disorder
Short stature
Precocious Puberty
Possible Peeling Skin Syndrome 
Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder
Anxiety
Global delay

I may have forgotten a few things because it seems that something new is always being discovered :)   

We've seen ENT, Audiology, PT, OT, SLP, Hematology, Genetics, Endocrinology, Infectious Disease, Neurology, Ophthalmology, DDBP, Urology, Pediatric Gynecology, Developmental Pediatrics, Orthopedics, and a new referral for Pediatric Rehab.  I'm sure I missed a few here as well because... it's a lot of specialists to remember.

I am a single woman.  I started my journey knowing that I would be a single parent.  I don't have someone I can come home to and tap out.  I'm the sole-provider, the sole-decision maker, the sole-comforter, the sole-protector, the sole-weight carrier, the sole-everything.  In addition to all of that,  I also homeschool all of my girls.

I don't say all of these things for any type of recognition, or unsung hero crap.  Because nothing could be further from the truth.  I am a sinner and a broken person.  I am woefully inept.  I question my sanity and decisions daily.  I'm overwhelmed 95% of the time.  I cry in random places.  I cry when someone is nice to me.  I'm an expert worrier.  I worry about our finances.  I wonder if we will ever get out of this season of hard.  Will God keep me in the valley of absolute surrender and trust?  I worry about the health of my girls - there are some scary issues and all of it feels enormous.  I wonder if I'm meeting their needs.  Am I listening enough?  Am I playing enough?  Am I present enough?  Why did I flip out over the hangers on their floor?  Why do dirty dishes in the sink drive me to the brink of rage?  Because I am weak and I can't do it on my own.  No one can.  I need Jesus every single day of my life.  Without him, I can't even begin to imagine how terrible our life would be.

In John 16:33 he says:

"I have told you all this so that you will have peace of heart and mind.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world."

He straight up tells me that life will be hard.  I will have sorrow.  I will have many trials and tribulations.  However, he also tells me to have joy because of what he has done on the cross - he has overcome the world.  He has overcome my problems, my sorrow, my troubles.

He clearly tells me in Matthew 16:24-25:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

This life is not mine.  I was bought with a price - his life.  My purpose here is to be a vessel of God's love, through the unique gifts and talents he has bestowed upon me.  The only way I can do that is through his strength and community.  God's purposes are always eternal and he accomplishes them through relationships because he is a relational God.

The cross was a horrific death, and yet, he tells me to pick up my cross daily.  To surrender my will, my desires, my "self."  And when I do all of those things, I will find true life - life everlasting.  

So when I think about each of my girls and the needs they came home with, both known and unknown, I'm convinced that God used my YES to shift eternity for each of them.

Waiting potential adoptive parents say to me all the time that they want a child with minor needs.  I get it because I was once that person.  However, I want to shake them and tell them that just navigating trauma alone is a severe need.  Every single child who is adopted suffers a primal wound - the loss of birth family, and in the case of international adoption, language and culture too.  A significant part of their identity is missing and for the rest of their life, it will be a permanent question mark.   Everyone wants a quick process and minor needs, but that's not the majority of international adoption processes.

I am in a unique situation and my family is atypical - we are a transracial family, led by a single woman, with four internationally adopted girls.  We are the underdog.  By faith, I stepped into the abyss of the frightening unknown.  I came home with way more than I bargained for; yet, God has never left us.  He continues to provide every single thing we need - from shelter, food, and transportation to medical specialists of every kind.  He provides medicines, therapies, and procedures.  He provides a community of other adoptive parents that just get it.  I don't have to explain anything, they just know and in that knowing, provide comfort and encouragement.

Adoption is not easy.   The genesis is profound loss and therefore, should not be easy.  I learned through saying yes to things that terrified me that God would never forsake me and even more, he would never forsake my daughters.  He is passionate about caring for the orphans and the widows.  I've seen more miracles being on this adoption journey than I would bet most people ever see in their lifetime.  When you say YES to adoption, God is committed to seeing you through it.  I'm not saying he is committed to making it easy, because that would be a bald-faced lie; however, He will never leave.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will separate me from his love.  No diagnosis, no sadness, no anger, no despair, no moments of distrust, no loneliness nor depression - nothing.  I know this because his word is true.  He promises in Romans 8:28 -

"That neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING ELSE in ALL CREATION, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." 

Last year, I went through hell and back after losing Sparrow.  It was the darkest, saddest, most faith-shaking season I've ever experienced but through it all, he never left me.  He walked with me through my grief, my anger, my sorrow, my questioning, my depression, my unbelief, and most of all, my fear of ever trusting him again.  He was big enough for all of it.  He peeled back layers and exposed deep wounds still in need of healing.  He gently lanced the cysts filled with the puss of sin and unforgiveness.  He cleansed my spirit and bound up my wounds.  I learned an invaluable truth from that situation:  his grace and love are bigger than I can imagine.  They are all encompassing and readily available to me as I stumble through this life.  Because of this knowledge, I know that whatever unknown comes our way, he will provide everything we need and will walk with us every step of the way - the hard, the scary, the sad.

I can't fathom not having each of my girls home with me.  I can't even comprehend my life without them.  Were their needs beyond anything for which I was prepared?  Absolutely.  Have I been scared out of my mind since getting home?  Without a doubt.  But I would never, ever in a million years trade any of it.  I love my girls with everything that I am.  I'm not a perfect mom, but each and every day I strive to love them with the love of Christ.  We soldier on knowing that he will meet us exactly where we are.  He will never leave us.  And that is what makes saying YES worth everything.

The Greatest of These is LOVE...

The one thread that has been consistently woven throughout my adoption journey is Love.  Jesus is love and his plans for our lives are filled with this powerful message.

Love does matter most.

Love is what drove me to pursue my girls.

Love is what kept me going when the battle was overwhelming.

Love is what filled my heart the very first time I laid eyes on both of them.

Love is what pulsed through my body the first time I held them.

Love is what pierced people's hearts to root for us, to pray for us, to give lavishly to us, to encourage us, and to carry us home.

Love is what motivated Dr. Jon and Dr. Greg to perform outstanding procedures for my daughters so that they might move forward with confidence in life.

And Love is what continues to move me to extend the meaning of family to our precious Baby Jujube.

Love really does matter most and when we do our part to spread more love everywhere we go, love wins.

Here is the link to see our follow up on The Doctors.  The segment was done in two parts -for Roopa and for Munni.  Both links are below.  We are blessed because Love is indeed, the greatest of all.

The Doctors -Roopa
The Doctors - Munni


If you would like to spread more love to help bring Baby Jujube home, please consider purchasing one of our amazing t-shirts.  I pray that you would wear a smile each time you wear it and that you would brighten the day of those whose paths you cross.  Thank you!!!

There are styles for the whole family! Regular crew necks, ladies v neck, and youth.  Click here to order yours :) 

A Whole Lotta Everything

This summer was filled with every emotion imaginable.  I am extremely grateful for the moments of joy and peace because those moments helped get us through the rest.  By the end, I was completely worn out. Spent. Exhausted. Empty.  Ready for a new season.  One of the blessings that came out of the hard times is that I really grew in the area of taking it one day at a time.  Although I am far from perfecting that, I definitely reached a new level.  There were numerous circumstances of which I had no control - and that forced me to surrender each day to the Lord.  

During one overwhelmingly emotional week, God clearly spoke to me - at my bird feeder.  It was in the morning, the girls were still sleeping, and I was making coffee.  I looked out the kitchen window at the early morning sun and saw that the bird feeder was dangling empty from the Birch tree.  Ugh.  One more thing for which I was responsible.  The dogs were looking at me expectantly, waiting to go outside, and I was feeling overwhelmed.  I know that probably sounds stupid, but I hadn't been paid since the beginning of January so every little responsibility seemed like a mountain on my shoulders.  I told myself I would fill it later and kept going about my morning routine.  But something kept gnawing at my heart and finally I decided I would walk out to the tree and fill it.  I grabbed the half full bucket of bird food and went outside.  The dogs ran around the yard being their normal, crazy selves.  I walked out to the tree, head down, and unhooked the bird feeder.  This particular feeder has the middle part with the glass windows for the seed and then two wire sidebars for suets.  As I unhooked the feeder, it spun around and on the side I couldn't see when I first grabbed it, was a small sparrow who had gotten himself wedged into the wire suet holder.  It startled me at first!  The tiny sparrow stared up at me.  I set the bucket down and sat on the rock to try and help this little bird.  He was stuck so tightly that I was afraid I would break one of his wings or little legs.  As I gingerly moved him to determine if it was better to push him through or pull him back out, I felt God whisper to me, "You've spent 15 minutes caring for this tiny sparrow.  How much more do I care for you?"  And then the verse popped into my mind:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent?  And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:29-31

Tears ran down my face as I continued to free the little bird.  When he finally emerged unscathed from his temporary prison, he sat in my hand and looked up at me.  It seemed as if time stood still.  That little sparrow and I held eye contact while he sat in my hand.  What an incredible lesson God taught me through that sweet, little bird.  And then the spell was broken and he flew away.  I could feel joy and peace flood my heart.  Throughout the summer, I revisited that moment many times.  When things got hard and I started to worry and doubt, I was able to focus on that touchstone which God so lovingly gave to me!

Here are some of the ways that God completely blessed and showered us with his love!  In June, the girls were in a mini-documentary about adoption.  This film is being entered into numerous film festivals and will be released in November during National Adoption Month.  The best part is that the film is being donated to the Cincinnati Children's International Adoption Clinic to help raise awareness about the plight of orphans around the world and the health issues that accompany many of them.  You can check out more about the group Found, here.  I can't wait to see this at the CIA's fundraiser in November!  Also, this year BOTH Munni and Roopa will be in the fashion show!  Munni is already planning their outfits lol!

One of the biggest factors contributing to my anxiety was trying to figure out childcare for Roopa once I returned to work in August.  I found an amazing nanny who loves Jesus and loves my girls.  This was a HUGE answer to prayer.  Those mamas who have adopted and haven't had their kiddos home for long, understand all the complexities involved with having to leave your child in the care of another.  Our nanny has a beautiful heart and is an incredible blessing to us!  She even bought the girls these adorable shirts!

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" - AMEN!!!

Securing childcare for Roopita relieved a ton of pressure off of me.  Next, I was able to focus on both of the girls' medical procedures.  Due to scheduling conflicts, the procedures were pushed back until August.  On the 12th, I re-adopted Roopa in the state of Ohio and then immediately after the court hearing, headed to Wisconsin to meet with Greg Gion at The Medical Art Prosthetics Clinics & Anaplastologists.  I can not say enough about Dr. Greg!  He is an extremely talented, kind, and compassionate man.  He worked tirelessly for two days, crafting the cutest, little, prosthetic nose for Roopa!  It's an incredibly complex process and I learned so much from it!  We are truly blessed to have been able to work with him!

They love to match!  Traveling in style :)    

Roopa with her new prosthetic nose!

            

Once we got back home, I had to do a photo shoot :)  

 

Roopa is seriously nonstop comedy!

A week after we returned home, I had my first day back to school and Munni had her scar revision procedure.  It was more difficult and heartbreaking than I could have imagined.  God gave me supernatural strength to keep it together throughout the procedure.  I knew I had to be strong for her and I couldn't let get anything in the way of Munni knowing that I was there for her 110% to comfort and love her.  I wrote more about it here.  I don't want to revisit that ever again :(

My beautiful Munni Bird right before the procedure

Last minute snuggles with her little sister before she went back for the procedure

I will never be able to express my eternal gratitude to Dr. Jon Mendelsohn.  There aren't enough words to describe his compassion and kindness.  This procedure was unlike anything I would have ever anticipated because of the emotional triggers and flashbacks.  Even the nurses were crying and had to take turns leaving the room to wipe their eyes.  His professionalism coupled with his empathy was beyond anything I have ever experienced.  Blessed doesn't even describe how fortunate we are to be able to work with him.  My thankfulness runs deeper than words and to know that he is committed to my daughters' physical and emotional healing is a priceless gift!

Some wonderful friends dropped by with some "cheer you ups"  

The next day :(

These were an unexpected delivery from Dr. Jon!  It was the first smile in two days :)

Dr. Jon knew her nickname is Munni Bird.  This just shows his thoughtfulness sending her Birds of Paradise!

The wristbands were a big hit in the healing process!

I made this collage to show the immediate differences.  She still has several more procedures to go, but with each day it looks better and better!

looking beautiful and happy :)

Roopa has been struggling a bit with me returning to school.  It's a juggling act meeting everyone's needs and making sure I get some alone time with each of my girls. 

Roopa is so fun!

We were able to spend quite some time at a dear friend's pool.  Much to Munni's delight, they also have a pear tree.  On Labor day, she was finally able to pick a pear!

Everything about this picture makes me laugh!

September 11th is Roopa's "Happy Birthday" as she likes to call it :)  For the past month, she has been talking about turning 4.  I got a very pleasant surprise email from her orphanage.  They sent her an ecard birthday wish and said they have pictures from her first birthday.  They are still trying to find them but the fact that they remembered her birthday and sent a card, I know that she is greatly missed and was loved deeply.

Shortly after I was matched with Roopa, Munni and I celebrated her 2nd birthday.  We thought FOR SURE we would be celebrating her 3rd together as a family.  Instead, we celebrated another birthday without her home.  FINALLY, we got to celebrate Roopita's 4th birthday!!  She loves, loves, loves Doc McStuffins.  One of my very good friends makes cakes for fun.  I asked her if she would make a cake for Roopa's first birthday celebration with us and thankfully, she agreed!  I was blown away when I saw the finished product!!!  And not only did it look amazing but it was delicious!!!  THANK YOU CATIE!!!!!!

Doc McRoopa!!

I mean, how adorable is this cake??!!

When we were in India, we were gifted all of these beautiful, traditional Bhuj dresses!  These two had been planning for weeks which ones they would wear for Roopa's big celebration!

My two Indian princesses!!

Even though the rain forced us out of the original park plans and back home, Roopa had no trouble digging right in and opening her gifts!

She was so happy to get Doc McStuffins!

I love her so much!

Mommy Roopa!!

Being silly :)

This whole summer I have spent hours reflecting on God and his goodness.  One day I was having a philosophical discussion with a friend and it struck me that one of God's greatest gifts to us is hope.  Where would we be without it?  I look at my girls and that theme resonates so completely in both of their lives.  Each day is a new day - filled with hope and promise!  Hope leads to redemption and redemption leads to love.  For without love, there would be no redemption.  When I see Roopa and the joy that fills her little heart, I get a lump in my throat.  I think back to May of 2013 when God gave me the vision for the Spread More Love t-shirts.  I didn't know about Roopa yet, but God did.  And I can't think of a more appropriate quote that describes Roopa.  Everywhere this little girl goes, she puts a smile on stranger's faces.  She brightens days and brings happiness and laughter to others.  In the essence of her being, Roopa Joy spreads more love.

Real Life - 4 Months Home

How are we really doing?  I was hesitant to write this post.  Not because I want everyone to think that adoption is all sunshine and rainbows, but because I really struggled with protecting my daughters' privacy.  From the beginning of this blog, I have tried to be as transparent as possible about MY struggles, hardships, and doubts that have occurred on this journey.  However, sometimes, my struggles are intricately woven with their struggles.   I decided to post it in the event that if just one other mama out there is struggling with something similar, she will know she is not alone.  And she is not crazy. But most importantly to encourage others that as one adoptive mama told me, "The trench is ALWAYS temporary."  This information is obviously very sensitive so please keep that in mind and be kind :)

I forgot how the first 3 or 4 months home bring out your basic survival skills.   From the moment we landed in India until about 2 weeks ago, it's been a complete whirlwind.  We really haven't had the down time that I had with Munni when she came home, which is why I am looking forward to summer like never before.  To not have a schedule, to not have to be anywhere at regimented times, to not have to pack lunches, to not have to race home from my mom's Sunday dinner so the kids can get to bed at a decent hour, to not have to worry if the uniforms have been washed, to not deal with homework, to not have to rush, rush, rush.

I am longing for summer so we can just be.

Our week in L.A. for the The Doctors has probably been the best time for us since we've been home.  It afforded us the opportunity to cocoon as a family, post Roopa's grieving, without the stresses of everyday life.  I didn't have to clean, do wash, or cook.  It was fabulous because we were able to just be together- living, laughing, and making positive family memories.  The bonding that occurred during that time was crucial for our family.  I am so, so, so very thankful for that week!

When we were in India and Roopa was experiencing intense grief, I was worried how it would affect her.  We didn't get to see any of her personality in India.  However, once she got home, she started letting us in and her adorable personality came shining through the fog!  She literally is a dream come true.  I'm not kidding when I say she is ALWAYS happy.  She has never had a temper tantrum.  I know, it's crazy.  It's like she's not a real toddler.  She wakes up with a smile on her face and tells me, "Mommy, Roopa happy!"  I also love that she feels confident enough to tell us what she likes and doesn't like and what she does and doesn't want to do.  It's clear she feels secure enough in our family to share.  But literally, she is smiling and laughing all the time.  She is definitely living up to her middle name "Joy!"

So while living with Roopa is a dream come true, her actual presence in our home has triggered emotional napalm.

Ever since Munni had started disclosing information about her past, I admittedly have not done a great job of processing it.  Instead, I've compartmentalized it.  I don't even know how to start confronting and dealing with it because I honestly feel like I will come undone.

When Munni entered the orphanage, she was a few months younger than Roopa.  Munni's memories of her life pre-orphanage are alarming.  So to see Roopa, this little person in front of me every day, sleeping in my bed every night, and then thinking about all that Munni has confided in me,  and thinking about her being so small and remembering too much it's,  well,  I don't even have words to describe my emotions.

The first 3 months home were emotionally jarring.  Munni is an observer and extremely introspective.  Roopa's age and seeing Roopa with me, with her, in a family, receiving love that every 3 year old should receive, has not gone unnoticed by Munni.  She saw what her life should have been.  She saw the incredible loss.  She sees the injustice of it all.  She has been grieving what can't be undone.  She regressed.  She wanted me to help dress her - as in, she would lay there and not participate and I had to dress her like a baby.  She still wants me to hold her all the time.  She wants me to feed her.  She wants to redo what should have been done in the first place.  One day after school she was changing out of her uniform.  I caught a glimpse of her and my heart sank.  She had worn one of Roopa's pull ups to school.  I wanted to cry.  I know based on ALL THE INFORMATION you receive when you are going through your pre-adoption training, that for some children, it is critical for them to be able to revisit points in their history where proper love and attachment didn't occur.  And when you read all of that pre-kid, you nod your head naively, vowing to do whatever you can for your child.  But in real life when it slaps you in the face, you look around and find your heart in a million little pieces on the floor and wonder how in the world will you ever be able to help this sweet child find a place of healing.

It has crushed my spirit.  I read and pray and plead and beg.  I doubt.  I fear.  I remember once when I was praying for Munni before she came home and God spoke clearly to me through the book of Joel.  I was lamenting what I knew of her past and he spoke to me through his promise, "I will give back what you lost in the years the swarms of locusts ate your crops" (Joel 2:25).  I clung to that verse and his promise of restoration.  I believed that he would restore the "locust" years of her childhood.  He has to.  But now that those years have resurfaced, I find myself losing my grip on his promise.  I feel the waves washing over me and I can barely breathe.

Because dealing with all of this isn't stressful enough, we also had some issues at her school with some mean girls and a teacher.  I did try to handle it the diplomatic way.  At first.  But then these emotional land mines started going off and I lost it.  Not my finest parenting moments, but I don't even care.  I am thoroughly convinced that William Congreve got it wrong when he wrote, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  What he should have written to be correct is, "Hell hath no fury like a desperate mother protecting her child." Feeling so out of control over what happened to her in the past, I HAD to take control of this.  I had to make sure that these people wouldn't continue to hurt her.  I had to make sure that Munni knows that her mom will fight for her tooth and nail and will stand up for her to anyone, anywhere.  Before she came home, no one stood up for her.  No one fought to protect her.  No one stopped the pain.  Munni witnessed her mom turn into a pit bull, fighting with righteous anger to make sure the situation was resolved to her best interest.  It ended up being a positive factor in Munni's healing process.  It was a turning point.

As her mom, I struggled with knowing that I could not change her history.  I could not take away what was already done.  I could not remove the pain.  I know only Jesus can provide total and complete healing but it is HEARTBREAKING as a mom to feel completely helpless.  I felt like a crazy person - my stream of thoughts were erratically bouncing back and forth between every emotion you can imagine: Rage, revenge, hatred, sorrow, guilt, bitterness, helplessness, overwhelming love, compassion, empathy, confusion, and the list goes on...

I started doing a ton of research and talked to several different counselors.   I now know that I am struggling with PTSD.  It was a relief to finally have some validation for everything that I had been experiencing.   Unfortunately,  it is a topic that is not discussed in pre-adoptive education.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, can ever prepare you for the moment your child feels safe and secure enough in your relationship to open the pandora's box that has been hiding all of the traumatic events of abuse and torture that happened to them.  Prior to that moment, you've had vague information and presumptions.  When the truth is finally revealed, it feels as if all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room.

Part of my problem was wrong perspective.  I kept putting this enormous pressure on myself that she will be completely healed in X amount of time.  You know, all the pieces coming together and wrapped up nicely with the perfect ending like some sitcom.  But that's not real life.  And that's not what our journey to healing is.  Instead, it is a long walk in the same direction, hand in hand with Jesus.  There will be times when the tides are high and we are struggling to keep our heads above the water - like this past spring.  And there will be times where the tides are low - as we enter into summer.  I've spent hours and hours in prayer for her.  I know Jesus is faithful.  I know he loves her more than I ever will.  One morning while I was having my prayer time, I looked out onto my garden in full bloom.  Looking at the roses that took a beating from last winter, I thought about how my garden has shifted and changed over the 10 years since I started it.  And isn't that the same with us?  We go through some glorious seasons where we bloom profusely and our lives are fragrant with joy and contentment.  But then, there are seasons where too many weeds have popped up and our previous glorious blooms are shriveled and need to be dead headed.  But it is a cycle.  We have the winter of our lives where things may seem dead and hopeless.  Thankfully, that season isn't permanent.  It is followed by spring - full of new life and promise.  God spoke to me that morning through my garden.  I realized that as Munni goes through life, there will be seasons where her past may stop her in her tracks.  However, there will always be a spring to follow.  A season of new hope and new promise.  God clearly declares to us in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Being home with Munni for two years now and seeing the transformation in her DESPITE still having some shackles to her past, I have no doubts whatsoever that God has a wonderful future in store for her.

When we were on the set of The Doctors, I was anticipating some sort of assistance for Roopa and her nose.  However, when they also shared that they were providing plastic surgery for Munni's scars, I was completely blindsided.  The lump in my throat was so enormous that I could hardly even breathe.  My heart was beating a million beats a minute.  I love Munni with all of my heart and I think she is absolutely gorgeous just the way she is.  But the fact that her memory is tied to each and every scar and to know that there is a promise to "erase" these visible memories, is a priceless gift for which I will be eternally grateful.  I was completely stunned.  I still can't believe it!  Munni is THRILLED and can't wait for this to happen.

When The Doctors first contacted me, they only wanted to bring Roopa and me out for show.  I explained that we were a package deal.  I shared how the only reason I have Roopa, is because of Munni.  Their stories are intricately entwined.  When I finished telling the whole story, the intake person told me it was such a beautiful story and they completely understood what I meant.  I am astounded when I see it come full circle.  If not for Munni's scars and trauma, Roopa would not have been referred to me.  If not for Roopa's nose, Munni would not be receiving this healing gift.  My insurance flat out denied plastic surgery for her.  So when I look at my beautiful daughters and I get the opportunity to share their stories, I can tell you with full confidence that God's word is true when it says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." - Romans 8:28  Others intended harm for my girls.  God is bigger.  He has redeemed them and given them a new life.  He has touched so many hearts through their stories.  He has changed so many lives.  I am one of them.  So while we continue on this path of healing, I am encouraged that we are stepping into the season of summer.  We are breathing in deeply the refreshing air of his healing.  We are stopping to smell the fragrance of his love for us.  We are basking in the joy of his light that fills our days and warms our skin.  And we are enjoying each day because we know at some point in the future, the tides will roll in again.  When that happens, we will cling to each other and we will keep our eyes our Jesus, knowing that he will keep us afloat.

Spread More Love T-Shirts Are Back!!!

I've had quite a few people ask me they could purchase a Spread More Love t-shirt.  I contacted the company and they were able to transfer all of my info and design over to their new format!  WOOO HOOOO!!!  So, the fund is up and running!  All proceeds will help cover her medical bills from Children's Hospital International Adoption Clinic.  I need to sell 17 shirts in order for them to print the shirts.  You will ONLY be charged if the 17 shirt target is met.  Obviously, I'm praying for more than 17 :)  Another added bonus is that now they also have the ladies slim fit t-shirt!!

If you feel led to purchase one of these t-shirts, we would greatly appreciate it!  And I pray that you would feel blessed and a smile cross your face every time you wear it!

You can get YOUR Spread More Love t-shirt HERE!

If you would like to read the backstory on this t-shirt and how God moved mountains, click HERE

Thank you so much for all of your love and support!

Fashion Show!

This year Munni and I were honored to be the cover family for the Cincinnati Children's Hospital fundraiser for the International Adoption Clinic.  Dr. Staat is responsible for saving Munni's life so this was an emotional experience!  I can't say enough about how amazing Dr. Staat is!  Munni of course, was thrilled to be in a fashion show :)

This is program.  The invitation was the same!  The photo was taken by my talented cousin, Anne Gregoire

First, we went to the salon to get her hair done…

This little girl was all smiles from the moment we walked into the salon!  Thank you Molly for styling Munni's hair so beautifully!

Next, we headed to the event so the children could have a dress rehearsal.  If you live in the greater Cincinnati area, I strongly encourage you to attend this event!  The silent auction has so many wonderful gifts and the raffle is amazing too!  My dad won a raffle by putting all of his tickets in one basket :)  He won the Valentine's Day basket which he ended up giving to us since Valentine's Day is our Forever Family day :)
This year's theme was India.  The drinks were a Taj Mahal (a delicious concoction of liquor and fruit juices!) and a shandy.  The food was "around the world" theme and uh-mazing.  They also had a woman there from Mumbai doing Henna.  My mom, my sister, my niece and I all got henna tattoos.

This woman was amazing and whipped these designs out in less than 5 minutes!

After the appetizers and silent auction were finished, it was time for dinner and the main event!
Munni was the first one on the catwalk!  She was a little disappointed that she didn't get to do her little hip fling and hair toss that she had been practicing all day lol!  But that didn't stop her from looking adorable :)  I made the hard decision to NOT bring my camera…I wanted to be able to be in the moment and I can get carried away when taking pictures so these are all from the event photographer.

She was so in her element!

I did run to the front of the stage to video it though….I couldn't help myself.

This is her glam shot :)

We had SUCH a wonderful time and I can't wait until next year when Baby R can join in the festivities!
If you are in need of a year end tax write off, I can't say enough about the International Adoption Clinic at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  Literally, ^^^that beautiful, smiling, happy girl is proof positive of the amazing work they do!

I hope everyone who celebrates has a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with the ones you love the most!

Answered Prayers and Miracles On The Way!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!  I LOVE waking up to WONDERFUL NEWS!
But first, Munni's medical update:  Friday I got the results from Munni's MRI.  Her brain development is normal!!!!  WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!  This is such an answer to prayer!  They didn't see anything abnormal in the brain itself.  They did note that she is missing quite a bit of fat on one side of her head- the side where some of the major trauma took place.  I was expecting something like that since when you actually feel Munni's head, it is quite lumpy in that spot.  I still have to meet with the neurologist, but this phone call provided an amazing sense of relief.  THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!!!!

In regards to her mouth, they extracted 3 teeth, did a root canal, filled 8 cavities, took x-rays, and silver sealed 5 of her baby teeth that are not in good shape.  Poor thing was in a lot of pain :(  I LOVED her dentist who is also an adoptive mom.  She was so very kind to us.  She met with my mom and me beforehand and told us her adoption story.  It was so touching I even cried!  She never made me feel rushed and instead, it felt like we were meeting for coffee.  She was that personable!  When the surgery was over, she did such an awesome job explaining everything she had to do and also made sure that all my questions were answered.

On Friday we had a severe snow storm so we stay cuddled up inside with the fire.  The night before my attorney friend came over and notarized a butt-load of paperwork for R's adoption.  I emailed my caseworker to clarify some things.  She told me to pray because the orphanage was saying that they were waiting on notification from C*RA in order to send R's CSR, and C*RA was saying that they had already sent the email awhile ago.  My heart sunk.  I know how things can go in her country and this added to the stress I was already feeling because at this point, I was still waiting on the MRI results.  I called several of my friends and asked them to please pray.  I have been matched on the website with R since August 7th so I was already feeling like it was taking too long for her CSR to arrive.

Saturday morning I woke up, got my coffee going, let the dogs out and then sat down at my computer to check my email.  I couldn't believe it.  There was an email from my caseworker and the subject title was:

R's CSR is in the mail!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed with joy and woke up Munni :)  Her email said the prayers worked!!!  It was on it's way and we should receive it THIS WEEK!!!!!  PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is where it gets exciting because God is about to pull off another miracle :)  I need to pay the referral fee- gasp!  With Munni's adoption, God answered those prayers in the most amazing ways.  I only had 3 days to get almost $19,000 and it all came in time.  For R, it is not nearly that much because I've made payments along the way.  I will owe $7,950 and $805 for the immigration.  I have the money for the immigration and also I have $1,000 of referral fee saved so I will still need $6,950.

Last week, my good friends contacted me about donating all of the proceeds from his Kindle book, The Battle For Christmas Castle.  I was overwhelmed by their generosity.  I called them on Saturday to tell them about the good news of Baby R's CSR.  Kristen and I were talking about everything and how many people had requested a hard copy.  Then, Kristen came up with most amazing and generous idea.  You see, Eldon had written the first book in this series and had it published through Thomson Neslon publishing.  They had sent me a copy when I found Munni.  Kristen and Eldon prayed over this decision and told me to sell as many hardcopies of the book as I could, The King's Christmas List This is a BEAUTIFUL children's book!  The message is beautiful and so are the illustrations!  Munni loves this book!  Here are a few pictures from the book:

Isn't it magical?  So here's how it will work.  The cost of the book including shipping is $20.  In order for me to receive the proceeds, it needs to be purchased through my paypal account on the right in my sidebar or by simply clicking HERE.  Please make sure your address is the correct address!  The sale will run until Sunday, December 15th.  Monday morning, Eldon and Kristen will contact the publishers with the amount of books that have sold.  The publishers will drop ship the books to me and I will send them all out by Thursday, December, 19th so that you will receive them in time for Christmas!!

Again, I am blown away by their generosity and I am hoping that whoever buys a book will think about Baby R when they read it!  The Kindle book The Battle for Christmas Castle is also still available for purchase here.

O.K., I am ready for a miracle :)  Please pray with me that God will provide!  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

8 months Home and Deep Thoughts From Munni

Last year if you would have asked me what 8 months home looked like, I wouldn't have expected to be  dealing with so many medical issues.  Quite frankly, all of Munni's medical issues took me by surprise because according to her paperwork, she was healthy.  All of the red flags on her case were considered emotional, not medical in nature.  One positive step forward is that we did celebrate the end of her TB medicine mid-October!!!  That was HUGE!  I would tease her a couple of days afterwards and randomly say, "Hey Munni, did you take your medicine? oh wait- you don't have to take your medicine anymore!!!! WOOO HOOOO!!!!" and she would giggle and laugh every time :)

But, now being home and in a safe environment has led to some other issues.  The neurologist isn't sure what is going on with her and gave me quite a list of all the possibilities.  Sweet.  She has an EEG scheduled for this Tuesday.  I would appreciate any prayers if you happen to think about it.  Also, they are going to do an MRI on her as well.  She has already been under 3 times this year and has another surgery scheduled for early December.  They are trying to coordinate so that they can do the surgery and the MRI on the same day so that she won't have to be put under for a 5th time.  Please pray that the scheduling people can work this out.  Her original date was Friday, December the 6th.  This is Munni's first Christmas celebration and obviously, I want it to be a special one.  I was hoping that we could have the surgery far enough away from Christmas so that she would be healed and not in pain during the Christmas break.

When we went to the consultation with the neurologist, Munni's behavior during the visit was an F-.  I told the doctor that she is one smart cookie and is aware of what is going on.  Thankfully, he is a compassionate and kind doctor and also very tolerant of recently-adopted-scared-out-of-her-mind-so-I'm-going-to-act-as-crazy-as-possible- children.

That night she started to ask me all kinds of questions about dying.  She asked me if Simon was going to die.  I told her yes, one day he will die.  She asked me what day.  I told her I didn't know. Nobody knows.  She told me that when Simon dies he won't be in the bed with us anymore and that will be really sad.  I told her it will be very sad.  Then she hits me with this doozy:

"Mommy, who will die first, you or me?"

I wasn't really prepared for this conversation with her, but I've always been honest so I told her, "Since mommy is a lot older than you, I will probably die first but not for a really long time; not until you are older."

She started to cry and what she said next, made me cry.

She told me, "How will I get to heaven if you aren't here to take me?  I will get lost on the way because I don't know how to get there."

I'm thinking to myself that I cannot believe the depth of this child's heart.  I hugged her and told her that Jesus would take her and when she got there I would be waiting there for her and so would Simon with his wiggling butt, all excited, jumping around so happy to see her!  She wasn't quite convinced.  So I told her, "Remember how when we first got back from India and you had never been to Papa's house?  I took you there in our car.  You didn't know the way, you just sat in the back and got to watch the trees and everything go by as I drove you to her house.  Now you know the way because we've been there so many times and you tell me to turn right and to turn left, but in the beginning, you didn't.  You just trusted me that when I told you we were going to Papa's house, that when we got in the car we would indeed arrive at Papa's house.  You have to trust me on this Munni.  Jesus will come and meet you and take you to heaven.  You will not get lost."  Then we talked about some encounters that she remembers about Jesus from Hyderabad.  It was a very philosophical evening for a seven year old :)  

The next evening, the questions continued.  This time, they were focused on our "new bodies" we would receive in heaven.  She told me, "Mommy, me thinking all day.  When I get new body, no more marks? (that's what she calls her scars) oh man she knows how to pull my heart strings.  

I started crying and I told her, "Yes baby, no more marks." And then again she pulls out a doozy, 

"And I will be white like you?"  

I told her no and she got upset and said she wanted to be white like me and I said that I wanted to be brown like her :)  And then I told her that all of us will be the most beautiful versions of ourselves and color won't matter.  I have to admit though, that it was a positive sign for me that she has attached so much that she wants to assimilate to me.  When she first came home she told me, "Mommy skin no pretty."  I thought is was hilarious at the time (and still do!)  Obviously I don't want Munni to want to be white, I'm just thankful for the attachment aspect of that statement.

Today when I picked her up from school, she got in the car and I told her I loved her.  I asked her if she knew what that meant.  She put her hands over her heart and shook her head yes and smiled.  Then I asked her, "How much do you think mommy loves you?"  She started laughing and stretched both her arms out wide and said, "THIS MUCH!" and I told her, "Nope, you're wrong."  She looked confused for minute and then I smiled at her and told her, "More. SO. MUCH. MORE!"

I made this dress!

 And this is what the end of a photo shoot looks like....

a tired, hungry, little girl with a mommy who won't stop photographing her :)

The blog makeover and the dress were my two creative outlets with all the stress and chaos going on this fall.  I was stoked that I figured out that blog thing since I don't have the money to pay someone to do it!  Plus, I'm not technologically *gifted* I always figure out some weird way that is probably the longest way possible but whatever, I love the new look!  My mom was also a big help with the dress because I forgot a lot from my 8th grade home-ec class.  Sewing takes some serious math skills!  I only had to rip out once so that's cool.  My next project is an advent calendar.  My mom and dad did an amazing job of establishing some cherished Christmas traditions in our family.  I can't wait to start those  with Munni Bird!
Hopefully the surgery/MRI/EEG results will be nothing to worry about and we can move forward and start the new year fresh.

Thank you for all your support and prayers- they mean more than I will ever be able to express in words!

In Awe!

I am so humbled and completely in awe of the love and generosity that has been poured out over the last two weeks of the Spread More Love campaign to bring Sweet R. home!

Honestly, from the time I closed the door on Africa at the end of July, everything about Sweet Baby R's adoption has been a whirlwind.  I know that I have not even processed it completely!  August 5th is when I got the call about her.   August 7th, I launched the Spread More Love campaign and as of today, 139 shirts have sold and $2, 470 has been raised!  Praise God!!!

There are 7 days left in this campaign.  If you haven't bought a t-shirt yet, would you please considering purchasing one?  It will be the best $25 spent on your new fall wardrobe ;)  You can get one here

Also, as I've been able to show people in person the new pics I received of Sweet R, many people have asked how her nose will be able to be fixed.  I've been able to talk to several doctors and from the pictures we have, it seems like the surgery she will have is one that is most often used for cases of cancer on the nose.  I am posting this video so you can see what she will be facing when she gets home :(  It looks almost like she will have an "elephant trunk" for awhile.  The good news though, is that when it's all healed, she will have a cute little nose to match the rest of her beautiful face!  This video is not the surgery itself, but the aftercare.  It will most likely be a 3-4 surgery procedure.

If you are anything like my sister and me, just google "Nose reconstruction surgery with forehead flap MOHS procedure."  It's really quite amazing what modern medicine can do!  The tip of the nose doesn't get a ton of blood supply and that is why a basic skin graft won't work.  In addition, Little R is missing cartilage, so they will have to pull some from her ear.

I can't thank you enough for all of your love, support, and generosity!  SPREAD MORE LOVE!!!!