Deeper Still

I anticipated that Christmas was going to be hard.  And it was.  The waiting and hoping for God to fulfill his promise for Sparrow has been painful.  Excruciating.  I wish I could say that I've handled it like a champ, but I haven't.  I feel like I'm riding the longest, twisted roller coaster I've ever ridden.  I have days when I'm on top of the hill, full of excitement and hope for what God is doing, and then the next day I'm in the middle of a corkscrew rotation, upside down and completely disoriented. 

On Christmas Eve, I went to bed more discouraged than I've ever been.  My 98 year-old grandma had to have life-saving surgery two days prior to Christmas Eve.  Thankfully, she did great and is improving daily.  But traditions are important to me and it just felt weird that we weren't all celebrating Christmas Eve with the family at her house.  This is Mohini's first Christmas and every year since Munni came home, we've had our picture taken in front of her tree.  I was looking forward to getting our picture with Mohini in front of that tree!  It sounds dumb I know, but it just was more sadness that things were "off" and changing.  Instead, we celebrated in the ICU.

We got home from the hospital and started to do our nightly routine, when Munni frantically called to me that Honeybee couldn't get up from the floor.  She is our 16 year-old boxer that we took in when she was 13.  I ran to the living room and she was clearly in distress.  I'm pretty certain she had a seizure.   She lost control of her bowels, was breathing erratically, vacant stares, and her tongue and lips did not look right.  We laid her on the new dog bed, prayed for her, said our goodbyes, and cried.  The girls went to bed and I had to put Roopa's big wheel together.  

Merry Christmas to us.  

By time I finished the big wheel, Honeybee was still breathing, but things did not look good.  I went to bed and cried.  Thoughts raged through my mind about how this was the worst year ever and I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Waking up to a dead dog on Christmas morning was the icing on the cake.  Really, God?  Is this what stepping out in faith looks like?  I don't want to do this if it is.  

2017 was a difficult year in many aspects.  My beloved dog, Rollie, died in July.  Several of my close friends are dealing with profound grief.  Mohini coming home was a huge adjustment.   She is a great little girl and we love her, but her age has been a huge challenge for all of us.  How we lived our life before she came home is nothing like how we live now.  We've had to adjust everything.  And right when we were finally getting our footing back, her brain MRI and hearing tests came back that she is deaf in her left ear and has brain damage in two parts.  Shocked can't even describe my reaction.  Through all of this, was the underlying waiting for Sparrow.  

Hoping, praying, believing. 

 When I found out on my dad's birthday that she had been matched with another family, it felt like a nightmare  from which I could not wake.

As I reflected on all of this, I barely slept Christmas Eve.  My heart was heavy, broken, and in complete despair.  Finally, I got up and went into the living room to start the Christmas morning tradition of lighting the fire, putting on Christmas music, making much needed coffee, and preparing to feign excitement for the girls.  I had already decided that I would wrap Honeybee in a towel and put her in the garage until I could take her to get cremated.  This was not how I wanted to start Christmas morning.  I literally could not believe my eyes when I walked into the living room and she popped her head up, eyes alert, and then GOT UP and walked over to me in that traditional boxer wiggle!  I immediately thanked God for reviving her.  It was as if nothing had happened.  I felt a little excitement welling in my soul and thought maybe this Christmas won't be so horrible after all.  I got my camera ready and stood in place so that I could capture their expressions as they walked out and saw some of the "big hitter" gifts that were on display.   I called the girls and told them they could come out.  They walked around the corner, took one glance at the cornucopia of presents, and then all three of them ran right past their gifts, through the living room, and directly into my arms to give me a giant hug, and wished me a Merry Christmas.  Queue the tears.  In that moment, I realized that at least I have done one thing right.  My girls value our family, our relationships, above all else.  Their early morning display of affection and love was the best Christmas gift!

We spent all day at my mom and dad's house; it was the perfect distraction from my thoughts.

The day after Christmas I crashed.  It felt like God was never going to answer.  I was not in a good place.  Each time I hit these horrible lows, he always provides the encouragement I need through dear friends and strangers from across the world.

I received several emails and messages from people in countries far away.  Messages of hope, encouraging me in this fight for Sparrow, standing with me in prayer and belief that God will bring her back to me.

One dear friend set me straight and told me that Jesus waited two days and let Lazarus die.  Could Jesus have gone and healed him immediately when they told him that Lazarus was sick? Certainly.  Lazarus' sisters, Martha and Mary, sent word to Jesus that "the one he loved" was very ill.  But that was not his plan.  Even though Jesus intended something far greater than what they could imagine by bringing Lazarus back from the dead, he still met Martha and Mary in their grief and wept with them.  

Jesus has also met me in my grief.  He has not taken away the pain; instead, he has provided compassionate fellowship.  He's given me encouragement from friends and strangers who are praying with me.  Their words of wisdom, love, and support have carried me through the most difficult  moments.  Every day, I wake up and pray that Jesus will take my hand and walk me through the day, leading me through the dark parts and helping me to steady my eyes on him.  

This has been the most difficult faith journey I've ever experienced.  I pray and pray and pray and ask for discernment - should I abandon this hope that he will bring her back to me?  Should I pursue another child?  Should I stop all together?

Every single time, he answers me with the dream he gave me in May, and even though I've been riddled with pain, there is peace knowing I'm exactly where he wants me to be.  It's taken time to get to that realization and acceptance.

The girls and I have a dream of one day owning a farm.  We've been praying about it for almost 2 years.  We talk about it daily.  My mom gave us a vegetable growing kit for Christmas which led to a discussion of how we anticipate our farm will look and what purposes it will serve.  God used this conversation to minister to me.

Growing food takes much waiting.  In between the time of planting the seed until the harvest is much "dead" time.  Above ground, it appears as if nothing is happening.  We can't see the seed.  We can't see what's going on in the soil underneath our feet.  We can't see the effects the sun, heat, moisture, and pressure have on the seed that eventually causes the hull to break apart and allows the tiny roots to burst forth.  We can't see those roots slowly digging deeper into the rich, moist soil, securing a solid foundation for growth.  None of that is visible.  Instead, it appears as if nothing is happening.  I thought back to all of the prayers I have prayed for Sparrow.  How God gently led me step by step.  I planted the seed in obedience.  And now, I have to wait and trust that like the forces of nature, God is preparing that seed for the harvest.  He knows the time when that precious green shoot will force its way out of the ground to be seen by all.  

What a glorious day that will be!

But for now, I wait.  I trust.  I believe.

And in my dark moments, I remind myself that like the seed underground, I can't see the spiritual realm.  I can't see the work God is accomplishing and I can't see the foundation he is preparing.  And isn't that exactly what faith is?  Trusting in what can't be seen.  Having confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we can not see.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of your love and support with which you have covered me.  It is invaluable and priceless!  Please keep praying with me, you have been a wellspring to my soul!

Life Lessons and Honeybee

We have a new member in our family!  This is Honeybee :)

She has such a sweet face!

She is a 14 year old boxer who was on the verge of going to a shelter where undoubtedly, she would meet Mr. Sleepy :(

And then God intervened because he wasn't finished with her yet :)

Last year was an incredible year and  I will never be able to articulate all of the emotions I have felt.  We have had the highest highs and the lowest lows.  I am beyond blessed that I get to be my girls' mom and I am eternally grateful that I am privileged to walk through life with them.

My adoption journey started in June of 2009 when I prayed all summer for clarity if I should move forward to adopt as a single.  That fall, I started researching and praying about where to adopt from and by my birthday in March, I was in process to adopt from Nepal.  From that point on, my faith took a journey like the wildest roller coaster I could ever imagine.  Six and a half years later, I sit here and try to process everything.  I have met so many amazing people through this journey and have made beautiful friendships with other adoptive moms.  We have wept together, prayed together, ate cheese popcorn together, laughed together, celebrated together, gone crazy together, and most importantly, grown in our faiths together.

I was talking to one of these dear friends the other day and we came to the conclusion that the adoption process was a refining fire to help prepare us for the actual gig of parenting a child with trauma.  We have battle scars from fighting for our children.  It has taken a toll on all of us.  Jesus tells his disciples to count their costs and pick up their cross in order to follow him.  The cross was not easy.  It was painful - excruciatingly so - and heavy to bear.  At one point, the soldiers had to force Simon to pick up the cross and help Jesus.  Notice that Simon did not volunteer.  Everything the cross represented, no one wanted to be a part of it.

For the past month or so I've been learning so much about myself.  I feel like Jesus has been stripping me of baggage that I've been carrying around for too long.  He's been opening my eyes like never before to the way I want to live my life.  Becoming a mom has impressed upon me even more how important my daily words and actions are.  One of Munni and Roopa's favorite games to play is what they affectionately call, "Mommy daughter."  One of them is me and the other rotates being the daughter.  It's very sweet to watch.  Until  you start hearing some of your words come out of their mouths and see some of your actions re-enacted.  It makes me cringe.  But I'm thankful that God shows me these things because it encourages me to continue to strive to be a better mom.  I was thinking about the cross and how my adoption journey and motherhood is my cross.  It might sound weird to say this, but I couldn't be more thankful for this cross I bear.  It has exposed my selfishness in a way that nothing else could.  And isn't that the root of all sin?  Putting ourselves before Christ?  I want to live my life selflessly.  I want to love in ways that will be a blessing to others.  And that type of love costs.

The other day I had a heart to heart talk with Munni.  We have a family bed and the girls rotate who sleeps next to me.  Usually, it's fine.  Lately however, Roopa has been struggling with fear and just needing to sleep next to her mommy.  Without me even having to ask or suggest it, Munni has told us that Roopa can have Munni's turn.  I told Munni when we were talking about it later that I was so proud of her because THAT is the kind of love that Jesus talks about when he tells us to lay down our lives for others.  I told her that I know that sleeping next to me is so precious to her and it's something that she REALLY wants, so for her to sacrifice that in order that her sister will feel comfort, just completely blows me away!  I can see in her sweet face and the tears in her eyes that it costs her greatly.  However, the life lesson that she is gaining from this is huge.  I pray every day that my girls will have tender hearts and compassion for others.  I hope to model this for them.  I want our little family to be a blessing to others.  It's easy to have compassion when it's convenient, but what about when it disrupts life?  What about when it comes at a personal cost?  In those circumstances, I hope that we will choose to be compassionate.

So how does all of this relate to an old dog?  I get alerts from a boxer rescue site.  Right around Christmas, I was scrolling through their page and I saw Honeybee's photo.  I read her description and my heart sank because I thought there is no one who will take a 14 yr old dog.  I thought about how hard it would be to become attached and then lose her in a relatively short amount of time.  People usually don't like to sign up for that kind of pain.  I went on with my day and the rest of the holiday season.  However, God was using all I had been learning and brought it to fruition a few weeks later.

Last week, I bought the book Imagine Heaven.  It has been an incredible read.  It's a compilation of over 1,000 interviews of people who have had near death experiences.  The author compiled all of the similarities that these people experienced in their interaction with Heaven.  One commonality was the panoramic movie of people's lives.  While watching this movie, they described seeing how each of their actions - both good and bad - affected other people.  This really struck a chord with me.  I'm in a season where I'm trying to be acutely aware of my words and actions.  I thought back to my conversation with Munni and her sacrifice of love for her sister.  I thought about the effect of her compassion for Roopa and how beautiful it is.  Then I thought about the cross and how Jesus completely changed everything it used to represent.  Through his sacrifice and resurrection we are redeemed.  In place of death, we now have redemption and hope.  I thought about how my girls have been redeemed through adoption.  It made me realize on such a deeper level that through heartache and sacrifice, something so much greater can be born out of it.

The next day, I received another alert from the rescue site.  Honeybee was still listed.  I got a twinge in my heart and I knew we needed to take her into our family.  I had a long discussion with both of the girls explaining that because of her age, she probably won't be with us for long.  I told them that she will probably have accidents in the house, which will require us cleaning it up.  I told them that she might not be able to take normal walks.  But I finished by telling them that we have an opportunity to give this sweet dog in her last days a family who loves her.  Roopa told me, "Mommy, let's make her happy!"  Munni said she would feed her and clean up her messes.  She also told me that she wanted to change her name to Honeybee because she was too pretty for the name she currently had :)  I became obsessed.  I emailed.  I waited 30 seconds and then texted.  I waited another 30 seconds and then called and left a message because I wasn't sure if it was a landline or not.    A long 45 minutes later, I received a text back.  Yes, she was still available!  We exchanged information and set up a pick up time at Ikea - the halfway point.  They also sent me another picture of her.

She looks so sad :(

When we finally met Honeybee, I was shocked at how thin she was.

She probably needs to gain between 12 and 15 lbs

It's painful to look at her

The first night in our house, she was completely stressed.  I was heartbroken for her.  She had 3 immediate accidents even after going potty right before coming inside.  She had the long drool and refused to eat any of her food.  We ended up going to bed early and she managed to snuggle between Roopa and me.

Roopa was so excited to snuggy with her!

The next morning, I woke up and took a shower.  About 30 minutes later, Munni woke up and Honeybee with her.  She came out of the bedroom and greeted me with the signature boxer wiggle!!  I was ecstatic because with that wiggle, I knew she was going to be ok.  The only problem was that she still wouldn't eat her food.  I tried giving some of Simon and Rollie's and she wouldn't eat that either.  I did a ton of research and ended up buying some high caloric gel and a rotisserie chicken.  Jackpot!  Then I found out about "satin balls."  We bought the ingredients and whipped some up and again, success!  These are high calorie meatballs made for malnourished doggies.  I then tried a can of chicken chunk dog food and she ate that as well.  I feel so at peace that we found her some nutritious food that will hopefully help get some weight back on her.  She is the sweetest little lady and Simon and Rollie have been perfect gentlemen.  She is such a little blessing to our family and she is a daily reminder that even if it's inconvenient, the return on compassion is love.

They are becoming fast friends!

Living the dog's life... passed out on my lap :)

Simon update :)

I took this big turkey in yesterday morning at 8 am.
He was so scared :(  When they put him in the cage, he was shaking and at first, wouldn't give me a kiss goodbye.  BUT, I managed to get one before I left.  A big, sloppy, soft Simon kiss.
And then I cried the whole way home.
It was a nerve wracking time waiting for the vet to call.  I was praying that I wouldn't get the call that he had bled out.
In order to pass the time, I called Mer.  I kept thinking I would be all non-chalant on the phone, like I wasn't worried or anything.  Until I heard her voice.  And then the lump in my throat turned into these pip squeak noises, 3 octaves higher than my normal voice.  See, Mer loves Simon too.  And he gave her ALL kinds of kisses when she came to Ohio back in March.  She is also a dog person so I didn't have to explain anything, she just gets it.

Simon LOVED Mer :)

In order to distract me we decided to do some online screen sharing of our photography stuff :)  We were in a deep conversation about aperture/shutter/exposure and composition when I got *the call*  and like a great friend, she waited on the other line the whole time I talked to them :)
Everything other people and I had been praying for Simon, was answered!
1)  The vet thinks he got the entire tumor out.  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!
2)  The surgery was easier and shorter than he anticipated.  YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
3)  Simon bled, but not a lot !  WOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
4)  Simon *appeared* to not be in any pain when I picked him up!  DOUBLE YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was walking out the door to go get him, my sister called me to check in on the situation.  The floodgates opened again :)  Even though I knew that he was o.k., I think the stress of the whole situation was just pouring out of me.  One thing you should know about my sister- she was very anti-dog for a long time.  She wasn't always like that though since growing up in our house we had a lot of pets.  But then she got married to a non-pet person and he won her over to the dark side.
Until Barkley came along.
He won her heart.
And that made room for Simon :)
So she was concerned for him and me and the whole situation.  So much so that she was going to postpone her trip to Atlanta so that she could go to the vet with me.  Sisterly love :)

Simon was SO happy to see me!!!!  Look at that tongue!!
He got to wear this beautiful, full leg, wrap :)
They tried to put an e-collar on him, but he wasn't havin' it.  When I went back to the cage to get him, he had already taken it off.  The vet tech tried to put it on him again and he was so violent about getting it off his head that I told her to just leave it.  It would have caused more damage to his leg.

Ahhh, relieving himself.  You can see in his face that he doesn't feel good.  And he started to tear at the bandage. After his potty break, he went right to bed and took a huge nap.  He is spoiled :) He was pretty good yesterday about not messing with his wrapping but this morning, I woke up to a tangled mess, so I had to take it off.  When I finally got all of it removed, he licked his ankle a ton, but not the wound so I think it was too tight.

The vet sent him home with antibiotics and a ton of pain medication for which I was very happy.  He goes back on Monday for a check up and then two weeks later for suture removal.

The type of tumor he has is supposed to be cancer but a non-spreading kind.  It's a spindle cell tumor but until the path report comes back, we won't know if it's a slow grower (most common) or an aggressive grower.

The vet told me what a surgical center recommended for treatment which in my opinion was all kinds of crazy.  They suggest radiation and if it grows back more than once, amputation.  I'm not down with that.  When it comes to pets, I'm a quality of life believer vs. quantity of life.  I told the vet that I will never amputate Simon's leg.  My family learned the hard way with our Irish Setter, Shane.  The vet pressured us into amputating his front leg (he was a 100 lb dog) assuring us that it would save his life and that he would do just fine.  We weren't sure and under extreme emotional duress and in retrospect, feel that he took advantage of that.  Anyway, a week after Shane's amputation, it turned out he had bone cancer.  We put him down to put him out of his misery of the pain and struggle of not being able to walk.  That was a horrible experience for us because we felt like we tortured our dog.  Anyway, because of that, I feel very strongly about preserving Simon and all of my pets' quality of life- even if that means I have to say goodbye sooner than I would like.

Seeing Simon back to his old self this morning, was such a relief.  He brings me so much joy :)

 He's got his sparkle back :)

It's expressions like this one that make me laugh!

 

He's the king of our castle....or more like the king of our shoebox :)

Thank you for all the prayers for my sweet, funny, loving Simon!!

Farewell Barkley :(

Today Barkley is going to his new family.  And I'm going to miss that blockhead.  It's amazing how dogs can worm their way into your heart in such a short period of time.

I am very happy though for Barkley.  He hit the jackpot.  I was very, very picky about who would be his forever family.  He had issues from being chained his whole life so I wanted to make sure that he went to someone who would be patient and understanding.  

Selfishly, I also wanted to be able to see him again.  With the help of my sister, we were able to find the perfect home for him!  There is an older couple, empty nesters, who live in my sister's neighborhood.  He is a part-time doctor and his wife is full time retired:)  They are "dog" people and just recently lost their Golden of 15 years.  They walk every day 2-3 miles and recently decided they were ready to have another dog.  Barkley was at my sister's house for about a month and that's when they saw Barkley.  And fell in love.  I mean, who can resist that face?  

He's pretty adorable and his personality is sweet as sweet can be.  I will definitely miss seeing his face in my window when I come home....even though I can just see his face, I can tell his whole body is wiggling the boxer wiggle and it cracks me up every time!  

I think Simon will miss him but I also think Simon will be happy to be the baby again :) 

I'm also very happy for this couple.  They are going to be so smitten with Barkley and I'm happy that he will be bringing so much joy to them.

Farewell sweet Barkley Boy!  

It's a bad, bad, bad, world

Last week was the most stressful week I've had in a long time.  It started out with me finding out the H didn't get to see MG when she was in Ind*a and therefore, MG didn't get to see the video I made for her :(  I can't begin to describe how disappointed I was.  I wanted so badly for her to be able to see me talking, to hear my voice, to see me in "real" life.  They have become very strict so H wasn't able to see her or get updated pictures for me.  I was really looking forward to that so when it didn't happen, I was crushed.  It wasn't a total bust though because H. was able to give the book I made for MG to her Aunties so I'm hoping that she gets to look at it every day.  The highlight is that I KNOW that for sure she knows she has a mom!!!

Next in line was my car.  First let me say how much I love my car.  It's my favorite of any car I've had in the past.  It is an off road SUV of a certain company that begins with an "n" and ends with an "n."  I have dogs, lots of them, and I haul a ton of stuff for my garden, so this vehicle is perfect for all my needs.  When I bought it new almost 7 years ago, I bought it with the intention that it should last me at least 10-12 years.  Mid-summer when it started having this lunging to it, I felt sick because I thought it was probably my transmission.  See, dating someone in high school from the "cool car club" still has it's benefits...  Anyway, I took it to the dealer to get the diagnostic test and sure enough, they said, "you need a new transmission.  The radiator has coils that have corroded and leaked into your transmission.  That will be $5800."  Say what?  Then they told me I should just get a new car.  O.K.  I'll just get a new car.  What kind of world do they live in?  I was so frustrated because just being a woman and being in a dealership, well, my point spread went downhill fast.  I was not in the mood to haggle.  I was not in the mood to buy a new car.  My car is paid off and I wanted to keep it that way.  Then they had the nerve to only offer me $3000 for my car.  That was the straw- I told them how insulted I was and walked out.

When I got home from the dealership, I changed out of my work clothes and ran to the grocery real quick to pick up dinner.

I came back and found this:
Stupid Lola.  I've worn these boots 4 times.   She chewed off the flap on one side and a huge hole by the heel.  I know, I know, I should have put them in my closet but let's just say I wasn't at the top of my game and my mind was rattled.


Later that night, I was talking to my dad about it and he revealed he get his tests back from the doctor appointment he had earlier this month.  I don't know if it's because he downplayed it or if I was so freaking out about what I was going to do about a car, that I really didn't get into the details.

Friday morning, my sister texted me and told me to call her ASAP.  It turns out my dad has an abdominal aortic aneurysm that is measuring at a size that needs to be taken care immediately.  My dad has a zero point tolerance for pain and freaks out about anything medical.  This is causing stress on my mom because he is kicking and screaming about getting this taken care of rapido.  He had several tests done today that revealed he needs more testing done on his heart before they can go ahead with the surgery to put the stent in place.  My dad can be a grumpy old man, stubborn beyond belief, so it's frustrating that we have to talk him into getting this done like yesterday.  Please, please pray that the additional tests get done this week, that the surgery goes well, and that there are no complications.

Thankfully, this week has had some positives.  I took my car to a mechanic I've known for a long time and he told me to get a new radiator and do multiple flushes on the car.  I just picked it up and it's driving great.  All for the grand total of $485.  Thank you N------N, but I won't be needing your services.

I did a little google search and it seems there is a class action lawsuit in the process of being filed against N-------N for my year and model.  Apparently, they knew they were using faulty parts.  They should have done a recall on the radiator and they didn't.  Instead they extended the warranty from 75,000 miles to 85,000.  That's all great, but the problem doesn't show up until starting at 95,000.  Mine has 96,000.  We'll see what happens...

The BEST news of the week came in the form of a phone call this afternoon from my BFF.  She has a daughter who is MG's age.  The sad part is that she lives about 9 hours away.  Today she gave me the the most fantastic news - in a couple of months I will be able to see her beautiful face EVERY day because she GOT TRANSFERRED BACK HOME!!!  YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  I can't even tell you how stinkin' excited I am!!

Besties :)

I still haven't heard about my court affidavit.  I've been praying specifically for a certain something to happen that has to do with this, so for now, I have a sense of peace about it.  I know it's in the Lord's hands and if what I've been praying is going to come to fruition, then it makes me even more content to wait.  The best thing is I know that Munni knows she has a family.  I've been praying for SO LONG that the Lord would put hope in her little heart.  I feel like on Tuesday that prayer was answered in a HUGE way when she got to see my face for the first time :)

As I go through this week, I am reminded that even though circumstances change, Jesus never changes.  He is always right by my side and I like that.

Boxer Love

When I'm feeling down, the first thing I do is play with my dogs.  They are ALWAYS happy and goofy!  It's hard not to laugh when they are so funny and so stinkin' cute!  We went into the backyard to play and I had a ton of fun photographing them.

 Simon doesn't miss a beat!

Um, Rollie needs to use his crest white strips!

 Ever since Barkley was neutered, they have become the best of friends

This last picture makes my heart so happy!  What a change from the first day I picked him up - scared, panting, drooling.

Yep, life is good for Barkley!

oh, and I'm not a bad dog mom.  Lola didn't want to come out and play.  Guarding food is MUCH more important to her!