Hard

The last couple of months I have been struggling with a decision.  I wasn't having any peace about the situation and more and more information was coming to light.  I have been praying and praying about it and finally came to a place of acceptance.

Yesterday, I officially withdrew from the Congo program.  They are refunding the small application fee I paid.   What the director said to me in response to my email further confirmed that this was the right decision.

I am very aware of how international adoption works and how information gets around, therefore; I will not be publicly stating why I chose to leave.  The DRC has a great, great need for adoptive parents.... and that is why it was really difficult for me to leave.  I will say that my personal journey and experiences with IA and the countries I've attempted to adopt from has a lot to do with it.  If you are contemplating adopting from the DRC or are in the program and would like to know my reasons for withdrawing, I am more than willing to share via email :)

I also know that the Lord isn't finished growing my family :)  I'm not sure where he will lead me, but one thing I've learned is that he moves mountains when I throw off my ideas and dreams and open my arms to his.  Munni wants a little brother and we pray for him every night, wherever he may be.

Today on Easter Sunday as we were standing in church singing, I was holding Munni and I watched her trying to sing along.  I got so choked up.  She is such a blessing to me and an amazing reminder of God's love.  Even though the decision to leave the Congo was a difficult one, I feel that I am in a really great season of my life right now.  We've finally had a week without any medical appointments and WOW what an amazing week it's been!  She and I doing really great growing in our relationship.  I feel like everyday is Christmas with her, because each day I learn so many new things about her - what a joy!!!

I know God is faithful and I know he will lead me....

Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

This past week I have been going crazy.   I am so, so, so close to bringing Munni home.  I heard on Monday that the court order had been released and signed, and was being sent to the orphanage.  Today is Friday and it still isn't at the orphanage.  It's about 20 minutes between the two places.  I've decided that their mail system/courier system/whatever system should hook up with Viber.  Seriously, have you ever texted with Viber?  It's like texting at warp speed!  Anyway, all week I was feeling very anxious and with each passing morning that didn't bring news, I was losing sight of the Lord and slipping into bitterness.  Then my good friend Mer reminded me to read page 96 out the Shattering Your Strongholds book that we have been discussing.  It was the perfect medicine I needed.  I bound myself to his mind, his timing, and his power.  It is really quite liberating.  But at the same time, I feel like I've stumbled upon a lie.

I know people mean well when they say, "God's Timing is Perfect!"  "You will be reunited with Munni at God's Perfect Timing!"  "This is all part of God's Perfect Plan for you two!"  But I disagree.  You see, I don't think for one second that is was God's Perfect Plan for Munni to grow up without her biological parents.  I don't think it was God's Perfect Plan for whoever did those things to her that left scars to tell the story.  I don't think it was God's Perfect Plan that someone felt they needed to abandon her.  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that she has been in the orphanage for 3.5 years.  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that it took me two years to be open to adopting an older child while she sat in the orphanage waiting for someone to want her.  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that I was strung along for six months with the first agency trying to adopt her only to be told "no."  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that it's taken 7 weeks so far to process a piece of paper.

You know what else I don't think is God's Perfect Timing?  I don't think it was God's Perfect Timing that Nepal closed adoptions when it did.  I don't think it was God's Perfect Timing that I started my Congo adoption in September of 2010 and finally made it to the number #1 spot in May of 2012 only to find copious amounts of unethical actions from my agency.  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that the US Department of State just visited Kinshasa and is now (rightfully) enforcing investigations that will prolong the waiting from I-600 to visa for 3-6 months.  I don't think it is God's Perfect Timing that those children suffer and wait one minute longer to be with their forever family, receiving love, nutrition, and medical care that is needed.  I don't think it's God's Perfect Timing that I had to return Munni to the orphanage, look her in the eye as I left, so that she could wait two more months for me to come back for her.  

Everyone kept talking about God's Perfect Timing but I couldn't drink this Kool-Aid.   I couldn't swallow it because I couldn't recall a specific verse where it states, "God's Timing is Perfect."  It was B-U-G-G-I-N-G me so I got out my concordance (did I just date myself?)  Then I went to Google.  And so far, I haven't found "that" verse.  But you know what I did find?  I was reminded that we live in a fallen world, full of selfish, egotistical, corrupt, evil, self-serving, lazy, incompetent human beings with FREE WILL.  Free will to not sign a paper in a timely fashion.  Free will to force children to lie about their ages.  Free will to charge for services that shouldn't require a fee.  Free will to falsify documents.  Free will to coerce parents to relinquish their children.  Free will to rape women.  Free will to torture children.  Free will to lie, cheat, and steal.  Free will to believe wrong things.  Free will to make wrong choices.  Free will to not do the right thing.  With all this Free Will bouncing around, we  are subjected to the consequences of it.  We wait because of choices other people, including ourselves, have made.

 And that's where the beauty of the Lord is revealed.  He knows we are screwed up and living in a screwed up place.  So during those times, he offers us a respite.  He promises us that:

He will renew our strength (Isaiah 40:31)
Though it linger, it will certainly come (Habakkuk 2:3)
He will give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)
He works all things together for good (Romans 8:28)
He will make our righteousness shine like the new day sun (Psalm 37)
His power will be made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)
That in due season, we will prosper (Galatians 6:9)
What is impossible to us is possible with Him (Luke 18:27)
Nothing is too hard for Him (Genesis 18:14)
He will be exalted (Psalm 46:10)
He is good to us (Lamentations 3:25)
Evil doers will be cut off (Psalm 37:9)
Suffering will produce endurance, which produces character, which produces hope (Romans 5:3-4)
He will leave us with peace that transcends ALL understanding (John 14:27 and Philippians 4:7)
He is able to do immeasurable more than all we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20)

In this last stretch of waiting to bring Munni home, this is the Kool-Aid I choose to drink.  This is the truth.  This is what sustains me and reinforces to me that God IS a loving God; one who is working in a fallen world, with messed up people, and is able to bring beauty from ashes.

Did You Know?

The DRC has been labeled by the U.N. as the "rape capital of the world"

1,100 women are raped every single day - and this number is considered conservative based on the fear, shame, and stigma of rape in the DRC

The wars in the DRC have claimed nearly the same number of lives as if 9/11 happened every single day for 360 days, the genocide that struck Rwanda in 1994, the ethnic cleansing that overwhelmed Bosnia in the mid-1990s, the genocide that took place in Darfur, the number of people killed in the great tsunami that struck Asia in 2004, and the number of people who died in Hiroshima and Nagaskai- Take those numbers combined and then DOUBLE them and you have the number of lives lost in the DRC

There are 5,000,000 orphaned children in the DRC- the entire population of Scotland

770,000 are from AIDS

If an HIV+ mother receives the antiretroviral drugs during pregnancy, the chance of spreading it to her child are LESS than 2%

Less than 5,000 HIV+ people in the Congo are receiving the antiretroviral medications

You can only get HIV from unprotected sex, sharing needles or sharp objects with an infected person, pregnancy, birth, and/or breastfeeding, and blood transfusion with infected blood.

Since the invention and use of the antiretroviral medications, there have been NO cases of transmission through normal family living.

You can't get it from urine, tears, sweat, mosquito bites, kissing, sharing drinks and utensils, bathing together, swimming together, sneezing, hugging, using hot tubs, playing sports, using public toilets, changing diapers....

The HIV virus is extremely fragile outside of the human body

If an HIV+ child has a bloody wound, a paper towel is enough protection to stop transmission 

If HIV+ blood splashes on you and you have no open wounds, your skin is a protective barrier that will guard against transmission

If an HIV+ child is on the antiretroviral treatments and you have open wound to wound contact, your chances are slim due to the viral load being basically non-existent

HIV is considered a chronic, but manageable disease

With proper medical care, HIV+ people can live indefinitely, get married and have children

HIV+ orphans are the most overlooked when it comes to adoption and they wait the longest to find their forever family

STIGMA is the greatest challenge of being HIV+

Education is the #1 way to defeat the stigma

I didn't know either.  But once I started learning, I found the Lord convicting my heart.  How could I turn away?

"Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

If you say, 'But we knew nothing about this,' does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?  Does not he who guards your life know it?  Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?" - Proverbs 24:11-12

Full Disclosure

Here it goes:
I started my journey to adopt Baby Joaquin in September of 2010.  There have been tons of twists, turns and blocked roads along the way.  Technically speaking, there is no reason for a Congo adoption to take this long.  Except when God has a plan that is different from your own.  He started cluing me in to this fact early last spring when one of the first families with the agency I used to be with finally traveled to bring home their child.  The news they reported from the DRC while there was horrifying, especially the parts about the agency run orphanage.

In addition to all of the incredibly unethical practices that were going on, I was hearing things that really messed with my comfort.  I was so nervous that I would be referred a baby with a need that I didn't feel I could handle.  That's when God started whispering to me.  He whispered one, sweet verse to me over and over:

"Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.'" - Matthew 25:45

I knew I was in trouble :)

I started to get that uncomfortable uneasiness when you know the Lord is leading you down a path you would have never chosen on your own.  I lined up my excuses, "But God, what about...?"  and "But God, I don't think I could ever...." and, "But God, HOW?"

Every single excuse I put in front of him, He answered with the Matthew verse.

Being the faithful One that he is, he also brought things to me to ease my discomfort and to show me that yes, when I trust in HIS plan, he will provide.

I "met" a very normal mom who adopted a child with a need I thought I couldn't handle.  Her life with her "special" need child looked very normal.  No big deal.  Hmmmm.

Then I found some more blogs of adoptive parents with children of the same special need and I saw how normal their lives looked as well.

My uneasiness slowly started to depart.

Then the Lord showed me a couple of organizations that really advocate for these children.  Their educational resources are AMAZING!!  I couldn't get enough of what they were saying.  My mind felt like a sponge and I was loving learning all that I could.

Then came October.  

My new facilitator posted that a baby with this special need was looking for his forever family.  I contacted her immediately and said I was interested to know more.  She told me another family was considering him, but if they didn't accept him, she would give me his information.  I thought to myself, there's no way that family will turn him down.  This was on a Wednesday.  I prayed all Wednesday night and all day Thursday.  I kept checking my email during the day.  Nothing.  I left school later than usual and still no email or voicemail.  I was happy that the baby found a family but was also disappointed.

Then she emailed me.  "Well Kristen, he's still available...."

I couldn't believe it!!!  She warned me that he was super cute but I told her I felt I couldn't make the decision without seeing him.  I had 24 hours to decide.  I immediately told 3 people to pray specifically that God would make it super clear if this was indeed Baby Joaquin.  I didn't tell them about the special need because I didn't want any personal bias to interfere with their prayers.
I was at the gas station when she emailed me and I couldn't wait to get home to look at him!!!
Before I opened the email, I prayed that God would give me peace and clarity of mind on whether or not this baby was for me.  I opened the email and she wasn't lying.  He was the cutest thing ever!!  But, my heart sank because I knew immediately, he wasn't for me.  I can't explain it, I just knew.  I didn't want my feelings to dictate everything so I continued to pray.  I had until Friday to tell her yes or no.
I woke up Friday morning with an overwhelming sense of peace about two things:

1)  That specific baby was not intended for me.  He was in instrument in guiding me to where God was calling me...
2)  That I would adopt an HIV + baby from the DRC.

Although that specific baby wasn't intended for me, he did open the last door to my heart.   I knew I needed time for 3 things:
1)  to educate myself more so that I was the most prepared I could be
2)  tell my family and close circle of friends to gain support
3)  decide whether or not to disclose his HIV status

My friends and family have been amazingly supportive.  I was expecting the worst and that's not at all how my decision was received.  You see, I found out about HIV/AIDS in the 80's at the height of the pandemic when it was a death sentence and fear spread rumors like wildfire.  I can tell you the EXACT moment I became a germaphobe.  We were warming up for soccer practice, talking about our next game with our rivals we couldn't stand, and G made a comment that we shouldn't use their bathrooms because we would get the AIDS from them.  The  Aids.  Really?  We were so dumb!  I didn't even know what it was but I found out quickly.  And then there were the spring break urban legends about a girl who hooked up with her dream guy and he sent her home with a gift she wasn't supposed to open until she was on the plane...  You can read all about that drama here.  Anyway, as I started my education about HIV, I realized that I was with the majority of the country in not having been educated about the disease past 1987.  WOW.  I couldn't believe all I learned!  It is no longer considered fatal.  It is now classified as a chronic disease considered easier to manage than diabetes.  You can't "catch" it from normal household living.  In addition, an HIV+ person who is on the antiretroviral medication can lead a normal life, with normal life expectancy and can even have children!  The advances in the treatment of this disease is absolutely phenomenal.  I could go on and on about it but if you are interested, you can read about it here.

With regard to disclosure, I prayed A TON about this.  It is a very important decision.  There are families who disclose and there are families who don't.  I respect everyone's decision and I would hope the same in return.  About 6 years ago, I was introduced to a book series about strongholds and how to pray binding and loosing prayers.  Hands down what I learned from those books has been the most powerful thing that has completely changed my prayer life and has been responsible for HUGE prayers being answered and deliverance of some major stuff.  In one of the books, she outlines three sources of where strongholds take place.  One of them is shame.  I don't want Baby Joaquin to grow up with a secret that he feels he has to keep.  He has nothing to be ashamed of with being HIV+.  People who have children with other kinds of special needs don't feel obligated to keep those a secret so why should I?  The stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS is the biggest obstacle out there.  Ignorance breeds fear.  So if we can do our part to educate those around us so that in turn, the fear and ignorance about HIV/AIDS dissipates, then so be it.  If my life with Joaquin can be a beacon of hope and a future for another child waiting to find his forever family, then it's worth it.  HIV+ children are the most overlooked children when it comes to adoption.  Internationally, it's still a huge crisis because the medications aren't available.  I love the United States.  I mean, I really love it.  I've traveled a ton, lived in other countries, and when you leave your country, you learn to appreciate what we have.  And what we have here are amazing resources for medicine and treatment that you can't find anywhere else.

Finally, it was really important to me to talk to M, my in-country facilitator and social worker for Munni's adoption.  She was 110% supportive and thought I should start pursuing it right away.  She's known Munni for almost 3 years and has seen her adjust to life in the orphanage.  She thinks that Munni will thrive having a baby brother :)  The other thing M told me that broke my heart is that hardly ever do the HIV+ children in Ind*a get adopted.  She said that the majority of them grow up in an institution because no one wants to adopt an HIV+ child.  There are no words for how devastating this is.  It further confirmed my decision to disclose.

So my next steps are that during my one month home with Munni (YIPPEEEE!!!!) post placement visit, I will have my Congo home study updated to specifically include HIV as a special need I am willing to adopt.  This is necessary for the immigration.  This should be in March sometime.

I was talking to my friend Mer the other day and I told her how if someone would of told me 3 1/2 years ago when I started the adoption journey that I was going to adopt an older child with a traumatic past and an HIV+ baby, I would have bolted as fast I could in the opposite direction.  The two things I was most resistant to and afraid of, the Lord brought to me.  I think about Sweet Munni and how I would have completely missed out on her if I would have stayed with my myopic point of view.  She replied, "I know.  Don't you love it when you say things like 'I would NEVER do that,' and God's like, 'um, actually we ARE going to do that!'"

So there it is.

I am open to answering any questions you may have.  I can't believe how much I've learned so if I can educate along the way, bring it!

Oh, and that sweet baby boy?  I emailed my DRC facilitator right before I left for Ind*a.  He had been on my heart obviously and I prayed for him everyday that he would find a family.

God answered those prayers :)

Ocho

The C*ngo
Número 8!!!!  FINALLY I've moved up a little bit on the list!!  It's been trying lately because it seems as if nothing is happening, so hearing this little bit of news is encouraging.  There are a BUNCH of families who are getting ready to travel to pick up their little ones in the next couple weeks.  I am SO excited for them!!  And I'm also looking forward to watching their "gotcha" day videos!  It's amazing to see all of these children finding their forever families.  God is good!!
Ind*a
I still haven't heard anything yet...  My case worker told me that Ind*a is the land of tomorrow, *sigh*
I've been having a bit of a struggle dealing with the silence so I did what every woman does to relieve anxiety:  Retail Therapy!
I scored these two precious dresses for little Miss Sofia:






I also got her some flipflops.  All of the pictures and video that I have of her, she is not wearing shoes.  I figured this would be the best option!  I also had to guesstimate on her size- based on last year's measurements.  See how challenging this is?!  And finally, I bought her some pink Hollywoods!  I love sunglasses and even though I have yet to replace my Ray Bans (compliments of Lola), I want to make sure she keeps her eyes protected!  I'm kind of a freak about that :)
 It was really fun to shop for her and it also gave me some kind of maternal satisfaction.  Not having a "pregancy" or baby shower because this hasn't been the "typical" way to becoming a first time mom, and the fact that it's been 2 1/2 years and counting, it felt really, really good.  It also made it more "real" and slowly I'm allowing myself to believe that this is really happening!