Deeper Still

I anticipated that Christmas was going to be hard.  And it was.  The waiting and hoping for God to fulfill his promise for Sparrow has been painful.  Excruciating.  I wish I could say that I've handled it like a champ, but I haven't.  I feel like I'm riding the longest, twisted roller coaster I've ever ridden.  I have days when I'm on top of the hill, full of excitement and hope for what God is doing, and then the next day I'm in the middle of a corkscrew rotation, upside down and completely disoriented. 

On Christmas Eve, I went to bed more discouraged than I've ever been.  My 98 year-old grandma had to have life-saving surgery two days prior to Christmas Eve.  Thankfully, she did great and is improving daily.  But traditions are important to me and it just felt weird that we weren't all celebrating Christmas Eve with the family at her house.  This is Mohini's first Christmas and every year since Munni came home, we've had our picture taken in front of her tree.  I was looking forward to getting our picture with Mohini in front of that tree!  It sounds dumb I know, but it just was more sadness that things were "off" and changing.  Instead, we celebrated in the ICU.

We got home from the hospital and started to do our nightly routine, when Munni frantically called to me that Honeybee couldn't get up from the floor.  She is our 16 year-old boxer that we took in when she was 13.  I ran to the living room and she was clearly in distress.  I'm pretty certain she had a seizure.   She lost control of her bowels, was breathing erratically, vacant stares, and her tongue and lips did not look right.  We laid her on the new dog bed, prayed for her, said our goodbyes, and cried.  The girls went to bed and I had to put Roopa's big wheel together.  

Merry Christmas to us.  

By time I finished the big wheel, Honeybee was still breathing, but things did not look good.  I went to bed and cried.  Thoughts raged through my mind about how this was the worst year ever and I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Waking up to a dead dog on Christmas morning was the icing on the cake.  Really, God?  Is this what stepping out in faith looks like?  I don't want to do this if it is.  

2017 was a difficult year in many aspects.  My beloved dog, Rollie, died in July.  Several of my close friends are dealing with profound grief.  Mohini coming home was a huge adjustment.   She is a great little girl and we love her, but her age has been a huge challenge for all of us.  How we lived our life before she came home is nothing like how we live now.  We've had to adjust everything.  And right when we were finally getting our footing back, her brain MRI and hearing tests came back that she is deaf in her left ear and has brain damage in two parts.  Shocked can't even describe my reaction.  Through all of this, was the underlying waiting for Sparrow.  

Hoping, praying, believing. 

 When I found out on my dad's birthday that she had been matched with another family, it felt like a nightmare  from which I could not wake.

As I reflected on all of this, I barely slept Christmas Eve.  My heart was heavy, broken, and in complete despair.  Finally, I got up and went into the living room to start the Christmas morning tradition of lighting the fire, putting on Christmas music, making much needed coffee, and preparing to feign excitement for the girls.  I had already decided that I would wrap Honeybee in a towel and put her in the garage until I could take her to get cremated.  This was not how I wanted to start Christmas morning.  I literally could not believe my eyes when I walked into the living room and she popped her head up, eyes alert, and then GOT UP and walked over to me in that traditional boxer wiggle!  I immediately thanked God for reviving her.  It was as if nothing had happened.  I felt a little excitement welling in my soul and thought maybe this Christmas won't be so horrible after all.  I got my camera ready and stood in place so that I could capture their expressions as they walked out and saw some of the "big hitter" gifts that were on display.   I called the girls and told them they could come out.  They walked around the corner, took one glance at the cornucopia of presents, and then all three of them ran right past their gifts, through the living room, and directly into my arms to give me a giant hug, and wished me a Merry Christmas.  Queue the tears.  In that moment, I realized that at least I have done one thing right.  My girls value our family, our relationships, above all else.  Their early morning display of affection and love was the best Christmas gift!

We spent all day at my mom and dad's house; it was the perfect distraction from my thoughts.

The day after Christmas I crashed.  It felt like God was never going to answer.  I was not in a good place.  Each time I hit these horrible lows, he always provides the encouragement I need through dear friends and strangers from across the world.

I received several emails and messages from people in countries far away.  Messages of hope, encouraging me in this fight for Sparrow, standing with me in prayer and belief that God will bring her back to me.

One dear friend set me straight and told me that Jesus waited two days and let Lazarus die.  Could Jesus have gone and healed him immediately when they told him that Lazarus was sick? Certainly.  Lazarus' sisters, Martha and Mary, sent word to Jesus that "the one he loved" was very ill.  But that was not his plan.  Even though Jesus intended something far greater than what they could imagine by bringing Lazarus back from the dead, he still met Martha and Mary in their grief and wept with them.  

Jesus has also met me in my grief.  He has not taken away the pain; instead, he has provided compassionate fellowship.  He's given me encouragement from friends and strangers who are praying with me.  Their words of wisdom, love, and support have carried me through the most difficult  moments.  Every day, I wake up and pray that Jesus will take my hand and walk me through the day, leading me through the dark parts and helping me to steady my eyes on him.  

This has been the most difficult faith journey I've ever experienced.  I pray and pray and pray and ask for discernment - should I abandon this hope that he will bring her back to me?  Should I pursue another child?  Should I stop all together?

Every single time, he answers me with the dream he gave me in May, and even though I've been riddled with pain, there is peace knowing I'm exactly where he wants me to be.  It's taken time to get to that realization and acceptance.

The girls and I have a dream of one day owning a farm.  We've been praying about it for almost 2 years.  We talk about it daily.  My mom gave us a vegetable growing kit for Christmas which led to a discussion of how we anticipate our farm will look and what purposes it will serve.  God used this conversation to minister to me.

Growing food takes much waiting.  In between the time of planting the seed until the harvest is much "dead" time.  Above ground, it appears as if nothing is happening.  We can't see the seed.  We can't see what's going on in the soil underneath our feet.  We can't see the effects the sun, heat, moisture, and pressure have on the seed that eventually causes the hull to break apart and allows the tiny roots to burst forth.  We can't see those roots slowly digging deeper into the rich, moist soil, securing a solid foundation for growth.  None of that is visible.  Instead, it appears as if nothing is happening.  I thought back to all of the prayers I have prayed for Sparrow.  How God gently led me step by step.  I planted the seed in obedience.  And now, I have to wait and trust that like the forces of nature, God is preparing that seed for the harvest.  He knows the time when that precious green shoot will force its way out of the ground to be seen by all.  

What a glorious day that will be!

But for now, I wait.  I trust.  I believe.

And in my dark moments, I remind myself that like the seed underground, I can't see the spiritual realm.  I can't see the work God is accomplishing and I can't see the foundation he is preparing.  And isn't that exactly what faith is?  Trusting in what can't be seen.  Having confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we can not see.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of your love and support with which you have covered me.  It is invaluable and priceless!  Please keep praying with me, you have been a wellspring to my soul!

The Barenaked Ladies Made Me Cry

It was gloomy and rainy last Sunday when we were headed to Papa's house for dinner.  I put on my Pandora Christmas station because something about the weather was just feeling wintery.  Simon and Munni were in the backseat and I was explaining to Munni that these were Christmas songs.  She has been asking a ton of questions about Christmas.  When I told her it was Jesus birthday party, she got sooooo excited!
And then it happened.
The Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" started playing on the airwaves.  I lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was so overcome with joy.  Pure, beautiful, and overwhelming joy because in the backseat sat my beautiful daughter for whom I had prayed, hoped, begged, pleaded, yearned, dreamed, imagined, and loved for years - and THIS year, this year we will celebrate Christmas together.  I was undone.  I could barely see through my tears.  Then I hear her say at the end of the song, "Mommy! Hallelujah is Telugu!"
 I said, "It is?  What does it mean?"
She said, "It is songing to Jee-jus.  We sing that in Hyderabad.  You know that?"
I told her, "I do now Munni Bird :)"
The things she tells me never cease to amaze me; man, I love her soooooooooo much!!!!!  I am thrilled for this Christmas.  I can't wait to experience it with her!

In other good news,  I finally got my child abuse clearance back from the state capital, which took f-o-r-e-v-e-r, so now I can move forward with my immigration paperwork and send my updated home study to India.  They didn't want to send Baby R's CSR until they had my updated home study, so I'm happy, happy, happy!  I still have to get the apostille step and 8,000 copies so I'm looking at about 2 weeks before it's probably in the mail but at least now I have a time frame!!!

Finally, if you could please, please pray that Munni's surgery/MRI would still happen on 12/4 I would greatly appreciate it.  She's been fighting a cold.  I've been trying to get this scheduled since JUNE so I think I will cry if it has to be rescheduled.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support!!!!!!

8 months Home and Deep Thoughts From Munni

Last year if you would have asked me what 8 months home looked like, I wouldn't have expected to be  dealing with so many medical issues.  Quite frankly, all of Munni's medical issues took me by surprise because according to her paperwork, she was healthy.  All of the red flags on her case were considered emotional, not medical in nature.  One positive step forward is that we did celebrate the end of her TB medicine mid-October!!!  That was HUGE!  I would tease her a couple of days afterwards and randomly say, "Hey Munni, did you take your medicine? oh wait- you don't have to take your medicine anymore!!!! WOOO HOOOO!!!!" and she would giggle and laugh every time :)

But, now being home and in a safe environment has led to some other issues.  The neurologist isn't sure what is going on with her and gave me quite a list of all the possibilities.  Sweet.  She has an EEG scheduled for this Tuesday.  I would appreciate any prayers if you happen to think about it.  Also, they are going to do an MRI on her as well.  She has already been under 3 times this year and has another surgery scheduled for early December.  They are trying to coordinate so that they can do the surgery and the MRI on the same day so that she won't have to be put under for a 5th time.  Please pray that the scheduling people can work this out.  Her original date was Friday, December the 6th.  This is Munni's first Christmas celebration and obviously, I want it to be a special one.  I was hoping that we could have the surgery far enough away from Christmas so that she would be healed and not in pain during the Christmas break.

When we went to the consultation with the neurologist, Munni's behavior during the visit was an F-.  I told the doctor that she is one smart cookie and is aware of what is going on.  Thankfully, he is a compassionate and kind doctor and also very tolerant of recently-adopted-scared-out-of-her-mind-so-I'm-going-to-act-as-crazy-as-possible- children.

That night she started to ask me all kinds of questions about dying.  She asked me if Simon was going to die.  I told her yes, one day he will die.  She asked me what day.  I told her I didn't know. Nobody knows.  She told me that when Simon dies he won't be in the bed with us anymore and that will be really sad.  I told her it will be very sad.  Then she hits me with this doozy:

"Mommy, who will die first, you or me?"

I wasn't really prepared for this conversation with her, but I've always been honest so I told her, "Since mommy is a lot older than you, I will probably die first but not for a really long time; not until you are older."

She started to cry and what she said next, made me cry.

She told me, "How will I get to heaven if you aren't here to take me?  I will get lost on the way because I don't know how to get there."

I'm thinking to myself that I cannot believe the depth of this child's heart.  I hugged her and told her that Jesus would take her and when she got there I would be waiting there for her and so would Simon with his wiggling butt, all excited, jumping around so happy to see her!  She wasn't quite convinced.  So I told her, "Remember how when we first got back from India and you had never been to Papa's house?  I took you there in our car.  You didn't know the way, you just sat in the back and got to watch the trees and everything go by as I drove you to her house.  Now you know the way because we've been there so many times and you tell me to turn right and to turn left, but in the beginning, you didn't.  You just trusted me that when I told you we were going to Papa's house, that when we got in the car we would indeed arrive at Papa's house.  You have to trust me on this Munni.  Jesus will come and meet you and take you to heaven.  You will not get lost."  Then we talked about some encounters that she remembers about Jesus from Hyderabad.  It was a very philosophical evening for a seven year old :)  

The next evening, the questions continued.  This time, they were focused on our "new bodies" we would receive in heaven.  She told me, "Mommy, me thinking all day.  When I get new body, no more marks? (that's what she calls her scars) oh man she knows how to pull my heart strings.  

I started crying and I told her, "Yes baby, no more marks." And then again she pulls out a doozy, 

"And I will be white like you?"  

I told her no and she got upset and said she wanted to be white like me and I said that I wanted to be brown like her :)  And then I told her that all of us will be the most beautiful versions of ourselves and color won't matter.  I have to admit though, that it was a positive sign for me that she has attached so much that she wants to assimilate to me.  When she first came home she told me, "Mommy skin no pretty."  I thought is was hilarious at the time (and still do!)  Obviously I don't want Munni to want to be white, I'm just thankful for the attachment aspect of that statement.

Today when I picked her up from school, she got in the car and I told her I loved her.  I asked her if she knew what that meant.  She put her hands over her heart and shook her head yes and smiled.  Then I asked her, "How much do you think mommy loves you?"  She started laughing and stretched both her arms out wide and said, "THIS MUCH!" and I told her, "Nope, you're wrong."  She looked confused for minute and then I smiled at her and told her, "More. SO. MUCH. MORE!"

I made this dress!

 And this is what the end of a photo shoot looks like....

a tired, hungry, little girl with a mommy who won't stop photographing her :)

The blog makeover and the dress were my two creative outlets with all the stress and chaos going on this fall.  I was stoked that I figured out that blog thing since I don't have the money to pay someone to do it!  Plus, I'm not technologically *gifted* I always figure out some weird way that is probably the longest way possible but whatever, I love the new look!  My mom was also a big help with the dress because I forgot a lot from my 8th grade home-ec class.  Sewing takes some serious math skills!  I only had to rip out once so that's cool.  My next project is an advent calendar.  My mom and dad did an amazing job of establishing some cherished Christmas traditions in our family.  I can't wait to start those  with Munni Bird!
Hopefully the surgery/MRI/EEG results will be nothing to worry about and we can move forward and start the new year fresh.

Thank you for all your support and prayers- they mean more than I will ever be able to express in words!

Hot Diggety Dog!

The last two days have been the best two days and the worst two days.

It started on Tuesday when my caseworker called me to tell me that they were confirming my court date Wednesday morning, that it would probably be XX of December but I need to wait for her confirmation before I buy the plane tickets.  One last thing, it could be very last minute, "Could I be prepared to leave on Thursday?"

I can't even begin to put into words the emotional watershed that came after that call.

I couldn't stop crying.  I wasn't sad by any means, just completely overwhelmed by emotions and the fact that YES, I was finally going to meet my daughter!  It was like exhaling after holding my breathe for close to 3 years.  

Then, I started to panic.  How in the world would I get everything accomplished before Thursday???

I called my friend Mer and asked her to send me a packing list.  I texted my friend Rudisell to help me with school.  I called my mom and asked her to come help me.  I called the travel agent to get prices.  It was a flurry of activity and my mind was on a sit-n-spin going 100 miles a minute.   I broke down and cried 4 times in Target while my mom hugged me.  It was the ugly, loud, sobbing kind of cry.  A gazillion thoughts were racing through my mind and no matter how hard I prayed or tried to focus, I just couldn't.  

It was a complete emotional release.

I woke up Wednesday to a raging migraine that lasted two days.  The kind that my prescription medicine didn't even make a dent in the pain.   I know my triggers well, and stress is one of them.  Even though this is such an amazing thing, my body reacted by knocking my butt out for 2 days.  I couldn't have prepared if I tried.  And the worst part is that I didn't want to be like this flying or meeting MG.  I am a sensitive person by nature, so I already know I'm going to have to pray extra hard that I don't lose it when I meet M.  I want the staff to know she's coming to a good home, to mama who loves her beyond words, but not to an emotional wreck.  

Wednesday came and went and still no confirmation.  I started to worry and panic- was this a false alarm? Again?  I was also stressing out because all of tickets I had been able to get were for Saturday morning in order to be there before the court date and to have some time to bond with MG. 

Today while I was lying in pain, praying that I would get confirmation so that I could leave on Saturday morning, my caseworker called.

She had my confirmed court date.

She had my confirmed court date.

She had my confirmed court date.

I couldn't believe it.  I think I'm still in shock!  But the most amazing thing happened; I felt completely bathed in peace.  All the panic, stress, uncertainty just left my body.  And about 45 minutes after that call, so did my migraine.

I was able to accomplish the major tasks today:

I BOUGHT MY PLANE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be able to spend 3-4 days with her, all by myself.  

I cannot wait!

When I put the tree up this year, it was bittersweet.  I remember last year I thought it would be the last year I did it alone.

And then this year, she still isn't here.  

But next year?  well, it's going to ROCK!!!

In the meantime, I'm concentrating on my daily lists I made. 

I'm a list person for sure.  I need the satisfaction of crossing things off.

I'm organizing all the stuff I'm bringing for her, and my mom and I found these awesome slippers the night I cried my way through Target.  They are so obnoxious I just had to have them.

I can't wait to see her sweet, little feet in them!

To top it all off, my kindred spirit Mer sent me the BEST news.  The visa re-entry policy that required me to wait 60 days before returning has been lifted!!!!!

What that means is that I could very possibly be returning to bring her home within those 60 days.

At court, I will receive verbal guardianship.  That paperwork has to be processed through the courts.  Once that is finished, the written guardianship is sent to my agency and her orphanage.  The orphanage will use that paperwork to apply for her passport.

Once her passport comes in, I get to take custody of her!!!!!

I'm praying that I will return for her by the end of January.  

If you think about it, would you please pray this same prayer?