So many emotions wrapped up in this video. I have a gazillion unwritten blog posts in my mind to describe all that we experienced while we were in India, but for now...
Much love to all of you who have followed along showering us with your love, support, encouragement, and prayers!
This summer was filled with every emotion imaginable. I am extremely grateful for the moments of joy and peace because those moments helped get us through the rest. By the end, I was completely worn out. Spent. Exhausted. Empty. Ready for a new season. One of the blessings that came out of the hard times is that I really grew in the area of taking it one day at a time. Although I am far from perfecting that, I definitely reached a new level. There were numerous circumstances of which I had no control - and that forced me to surrender each day to the Lord.
During one overwhelmingly emotional week, God clearly spoke to me - at my bird feeder. It was in the morning, the girls were still sleeping, and I was making coffee. I looked out the kitchen window at the early morning sun and saw that the bird feeder was dangling empty from the Birch tree. Ugh. One more thing for which I was responsible. The dogs were looking at me expectantly, waiting to go outside, and I was feeling overwhelmed. I know that probably sounds stupid, but I hadn't been paid since the beginning of January so every little responsibility seemed like a mountain on my shoulders. I told myself I would fill it later and kept going about my morning routine. But something kept gnawing at my heart and finally I decided I would walk out to the tree and fill it. I grabbed the half full bucket of bird food and went outside. The dogs ran around the yard being their normal, crazy selves. I walked out to the tree, head down, and unhooked the bird feeder. This particular feeder has the middle part with the glass windows for the seed and then two wire sidebars for suets. As I unhooked the feeder, it spun around and on the side I couldn't see when I first grabbed it, was a small sparrow who had gotten himself wedged into the wire suet holder. It startled me at first! The tiny sparrow stared up at me. I set the bucket down and sat on the rock to try and help this little bird. He was stuck so tightly that I was afraid I would break one of his wings or little legs. As I gingerly moved him to determine if it was better to push him through or pull him back out, I felt God whisper to me, "You've spent 15 minutes caring for this tiny sparrow. How much more do I care for you?" And then the verse popped into my mind:
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:29-31
Tears ran down my face as I continued to free the little bird. When he finally emerged unscathed from his temporary prison, he sat in my hand and looked up at me. It seemed as if time stood still. That little sparrow and I held eye contact while he sat in my hand. What an incredible lesson God taught me through that sweet, little bird. And then the spell was broken and he flew away. I could feel joy and peace flood my heart. Throughout the summer, I revisited that moment many times. When things got hard and I started to worry and doubt, I was able to focus on that touchstone which God so lovingly gave to me!
Here are some of the ways that God completely blessed and showered us with his love! In June, the girls were in a mini-documentary about adoption. This film is being entered into numerous film festivals and will be released in November during National Adoption Month. The best part is that the film is being donated to the Cincinnati Children's International Adoption Clinic to help raise awareness about the plight of orphans around the world and the health issues that accompany many of them. You can check out more about the group Found,here. I can't wait to see this at the CIA's fundraiser in November! Also, this year BOTH Munni and Roopa will be in the fashion show! Munni is already planning their outfits lol!
One of the biggest factors contributing to my anxiety was trying to figure out childcare for Roopa once I returned to work in August. I found an amazing nanny who loves Jesus and loves my girls. This was a HUGE answer to prayer. Those mamas who have adopted and haven't had their kiddos home for long, understand all the complexities involved with having to leave your child in the care of another. Our nanny has a beautiful heart and is an incredible blessing to us! She even bought the girls these adorable shirts!
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" - AMEN!!!
Securing childcare for Roopita relieved a ton of pressure off of me. Next, I was able to focus on both of the girls' medical procedures. Due to scheduling conflicts, the procedures were pushed back until August. On the 12th, I re-adopted Roopa in the state of Ohio and then immediately after the court hearing, headed to Wisconsin to meet with Greg Gion at The Medical Art Prosthetics Clinics & Anaplastologists. I can not say enough about Dr. Greg! He is an extremely talented, kind, and compassionate man. He worked tirelessly for two days, crafting the cutest, little, prosthetic nose for Roopa! It's an incredibly complex process and I learned so much from it! We are truly blessed to have been able to work with him!
They love to match! Traveling in style :)
Roopa with her new prosthetic nose!
Once we got back home, I had to do a photo shoot :)
Roopa is seriously nonstop comedy!
A week after we returned home, I had my first day back to school and Munni had her scar revision procedure. It was more difficult and heartbreaking than I could have imagined. God gave me supernatural strength to keep it together throughout the procedure. I knew I had to be strong for her and I couldn't let get anything in the way of Munni knowing that I was there for her 110% to comfort and love her. I wrote more about it here. I don't want to revisit that ever again :(
My beautiful Munni Bird right before the procedure
Last minute snuggles with her little sister before she went back for the procedure
I will never be able to express my eternal gratitude to Dr. Jon Mendelsohn. There aren't enough words to describe his compassion and kindness. This procedure was unlike anything I would have ever anticipated because of the emotional triggers and flashbacks. Even the nurses were crying and had to take turns leaving the room to wipe their eyes. His professionalism coupled with his empathy was beyond anything I have ever experienced. Blessed doesn't even describe how fortunate we are to be able to work with him. My thankfulness runs deeper than words and to know that he is committed to my daughters' physical and emotional healing is a priceless gift!
Some wonderful friends dropped by with some "cheer you ups"
The next day :(
These were an unexpected delivery from Dr. Jon! It was the first smile in two days :)
Dr. Jon knew her nickname is Munni Bird. This just shows his thoughtfulness sending her Birds of Paradise!
The wristbands were a big hit in the healing process!
I made this collage to show the immediate differences. She still has several more procedures to go, but with each day it looks better and better!
looking beautiful and happy :)
Roopa has been struggling a bit with me returning to school. It's a juggling act meeting everyone's needs and making sure I get some alone time with each of my girls.
Roopa is so fun!
We were able to spend quite some time at a dear friend's pool. Much to Munni's delight, they also have a pear tree. On Labor day, she was finally able to pick a pear!
Everything about this picture makes me laugh!
September 11th is Roopa's "Happy Birthday" as she likes to call it :) For the past month, she has been talking about turning 4. I got a very pleasant surprise email from her orphanage. They sent her an ecard birthday wish and said they have pictures from her first birthday. They are still trying to find them but the fact that they remembered her birthday and sent a card, I know that she is greatly missed and was loved deeply.
Shortly after I was matched with Roopa, Munni and I celebrated her 2nd birthday. We thought FOR SURE we would be celebrating her 3rd together as a family. Instead, we celebrated another birthday without her home. FINALLY, we got to celebrate Roopita's 4th birthday!! She loves, loves, loves Doc McStuffins. One of my very good friends makes cakes for fun. I asked her if she would make a cake for Roopa's first birthday celebration with us and thankfully, she agreed! I was blown away when I saw the finished product!!! And not only did it look amazing but it was delicious!!! THANK YOU CATIE!!!!!!
Doc McRoopa!!
I mean, how adorable is this cake??!!
When we were in India, we were gifted all of these beautiful, traditional Bhuj dresses! These two had been planning for weeks which ones they would wear for Roopa's big celebration!
My two Indian princesses!!
Even though the rain forced us out of the original park plans and back home, Roopa had no trouble digging right in and opening her gifts!
She was so happy to get Doc McStuffins!
I love her so much!
Mommy Roopa!!
Being silly :)
This whole summer I have spent hours reflecting on God and his goodness. One day I was having a philosophical discussion with a friend and it struck me that one of God's greatest gifts to us is hope. Where would we be without it? I look at my girls and that theme resonates so completely in both of their lives. Each day is a new day - filled with hope and promise! Hope leads to redemption and redemption leads to love. For without love, there would be no redemption. When I see Roopa and the joy that fills her little heart, I get a lump in my throat. I think back to May of 2013 when God gave me the vision for the Spread More Love t-shirts. I didn't know about Roopa yet, but God did. And I can't think of a more appropriate quote that describes Roopa. Everywhere this little girl goes, she puts a smile on stranger's faces. She brightens days and brings happiness and laughter to others. In the essence of her being, Roopa Joy spreads more love.
I think about you every day. I wonder, how many times you have held Sweet Baby R in your arms? Did you kiss a boo boo today? Did you laugh as she accomplished something new? Did you hug her? Did you sing to her as you combed her hair? You see, I knew you existed but ever since I've seen a picture of you with Baby R, you are more "real" to me. My prayers for you have taken on new meaning and deeper sentiment. I constantly waiver between feelings of jealousy and being overwhelmed with gratitude for the love you have showered upon her. I covet the fact that as you cradled her, you breathed in her infant skin. When she cried, your touch was a soothing balm. You were there when she first cooed. I wonder, does she call you mama? You witnessed her healing and incredible growth. I visualize you encouraging her as she rolled over for the first time. I'm quite certain you were holding a toy in hopes to lure her into crawling towards you. You were the one to first hear her giggles and see her first smiles. I try to imagine the sound of your voice encouraging her to take her first steps and the look on her face as she excitedly made her wobbly way towards you. I hope you scooped her up and kissed her when she finally crashed into your arms.
I can tell from the photos of you two together that you love her very much. I hope that one day R will trust me the way she obviously trusts you. I long for her to bury her head in my knees the way she did with you. You are her safe place. She feels your love. You are her home. I confess that I am jealous because those special moments that you witnessed are treasures that I will never call my own.
And then, my heart breaks for you when I let myself dwell on the magnitude of the gift you have given me by loving her well, and the price you will pay when the day comes that you place her in my arms. I will never be able to repay you for the offering of love that you have bestowed upon us.
Geographically and culturally there is a great abyss between us. However, love is the bridge that crosses that expanse. Love is the catalyst that binds us together; each of us pouring out our hearts upon a child with whom neither of us share blood. They say that blood is thicker than water, but I say that love is thicker than blood.
Dear Ayah, it doesn't matter that we don't speak the same language. Even if we did, I would never be able to find the words to express the affection I have for you and the enormity of the sacrifice you have made for R. I have been praying for your heart. Praying that God will comfort you in a way that no other can.
You saw photos of me and now can picture my face when you think of R's new family. You have seen pictures of Munni as well. I hope that your heart is filled with joy when you think of R playing with her new sister. I pray that thoughts of two Indian princesses united by love will quell the pain of goodbye.
Dear Ayah, you and I are forever joined by the choices we made to love this beautiful, precious, baby girl who is so deserving of a mother's love. Different color skin. Different languages. And yet, we are kindred spirits. I pray that we don't lose touch. I pray that you will see this beautiful child grow into all that is intended for her.
But my dear Ayah, if it should happen that one day communication slips through our fingers and fades away, my hope is that on the other side of eternity, I will have the honor of placing a crown on your head; a reward for your heart and your incredible decision to choose love.
The community of fellow adoptive mamas that I've met through this whole process has been a HUGE blessing in my life. They have been extremely supportive and beyond encouraging. I love how we rally around each other, holding each other up and at times, dragging each other through the deepest, darkest of pits. We do whatever we can to have each other's backs and that is a beautiful thing to witness!
I was so honored when one these amazing mamas asked if she could interview me for her blog. It was a great experience for me. I was able to pause and reflect on all that I have experienced and learned throughout Munni and Baby R's adoptions. I hope that my story will encourage others ~ wherever they are in the process.
Please check out the interview on Lucy's blog and also see how God has been writing their beautiful story! You can see it all HERE!!
It's been one year and 5 months since the day Munni and I met for the first time. I recently got a new phone for my long, overdue upgrade so I saved the pictures from my old phone to my computer. Going back through those pictures was like watching one of those science films that is sped up to show the growth of a seed into a plant, into a bud, and finally into a beautiful, showy bloom. Munni has definitely blossomed into her own!
And yet…
The pain of her past is deeply imbedded within her. I was alarmed at the amount of information she remembered. Late at night, when we were snuggled in bed, she would whisper the horrors of her past to me. Each time she dared to open the vault that held those secrets, she would release more details of her horrendous past. She did it in small pieces, as if she knew the weight of knowing it all at once would crush me.
I spent many nights sobbing after she drifted off to sleep. I don't care how many books you read or how many classes you take, nothing will prepare you to hear in your own child's words what they endured before they were yours.
I post a lot of pictures of Munni and they are almost always pictures that paint a joyful world in which she lives. Yes, I would say that Munni is happy. But there is also an underlying anxiety that plagues her. She does so well the majority of the time that even I forget. Until she blindsides me. It's never expected and always feels like a punch to the gut. In her beautiful innocence, she doesn't realize the crushing blows she doles out with her questions or observations.
One night we were watching a popular show on the Food Network. We were laughing, having a great time and then she stops. "Mommy- that person sitting at that table looks like X." Her whole demeanor changes and I start to feel like the air has been sucked out of the room. At this point I pray for divine knowledge to handle validating her and keeping my own emotions in check. What I want to do is go freaking ballistic on X. Instead, I rewind the program. "Show me baby. Which one."
We are driving to a birthday party talking about all the presents this person is going to get and what a fun party it's going to be. "Mommy, will I ever see X?"
I think to myself, oh my God, where is this coming from?
"No baby, you will never see X."
"But what if X finds me?"
"Baby, X will never find you. And if somehow X made it to America, Mommy will never, ever let anything happen to you ever again. And you know what else? ALL the people who love you will never let X see you again. Do you understand how many people love you? That's a lot of people who will make sure you are safe. And Simon, well Simon would rip X into 100 pieces. He would never let X get between you and him."
She halfheartedly giggles and tells me she understands, but in the rearview mirror I see her face. And in her eyes it's there. Ever so small, but present. A hint of doubt. A sliver of fear. In my mind, I simultaneously pray for healing and cuss like a rapper filled with rage. I realize my knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel. What I would give to have 5 minutes….. I stop myself. I can't go down that road because it leads to nowhere. I tell myself that hurt people hurt people. Only Jesus can give me the strength to forgive X. Anger and bitterness lead to death, not life. I slow my breathing. I ask God to help me in my unbelief because right now, I have unbelief that I will ever truly forgive.
Munni and I still co-sleep. She told me the other day that she wants to sleep with me forever. I told her that she can sleep with me as long as she wants. When people give me disapproving looks upon finding out that Munni is still in my bed, I wonder why they even care. I will do whatever it takes to make Munni know that she is loved, cared for, and safe.
The thing about adoption is that many times, these children come from hard places. Places that you will never hear the parents sharing the details in their pursuit of protecting their child. We remain vague. BUT IT IS PAINFUL AND LONELY. Sometimes her revelations wreck me for days afterwards. Other times, I am successful at compartmentalizing my pain. I cry a lot when I talk about Munni and how much she's changed over the last year. There are deep wells of emotion within me because I know what a miracle she is. I know what she has overcome. I know what still lies ahead. I pray prayers that no parent would ever want to pray.
If you know someone who has adopted and maybe one day they seem "off," please just give them a hug. Things might look rosy on the outside but it's quite possible that a bomb went off the day before. There have been many, many days where I could have used a hug. I don't have any trouble asking for affection, it's the reason behind it that makes it difficult :(
Adoption has made me a more compassionate person. It's easy to make judgments, comments, or comparisons about how people parent their children. I used to do that. I wasn't even a parent but in my "expertise" I would "never do such and such." What a joke. I was so insensitive and prideful in my naivety of non-parenthood. Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons. Now, experiencing what I have experienced has taught me that every parent could use a friendly smile and support; a sense of solidarity in this whole parenting thing.
I should not have worn mascara on Valentine's day. Big mistake. Huge. I was a blubbering fool all day long :) From the moment I woke up my Munni Bird, I was overcome with emotion. I just could not believe that she has been with me for a whole year!
When I picked her up in Hyderabad, she was like the tightest Peony bulb you could find. We had so many unexpected trials come our way, but the ants of life slowly and surely opened the petals and she has bloomed into the most beautiful and fragrant flower of a little girl! My life is blessed beyond measure by having the honor of being her mother. I will never be able to express the love and joy she has brought me. My cup truly runneth over!
My attempt at valentine pancakes!
a year of pure blossom!
Special gifts for my miracle daughter!
I was so excited for her to open her gifts! I found a vintage Indian dress and vintage purse from India with peacocks woven in silk on both sides. Someone asked her what she was going to be when she grew up and she immediately said, "I'm going to be a doctor." Hmmmm I thought. So I asked her what she WANTED to do when she got older and with unbridled enthusiasm, she joyfully declared, "I want to be fashion style!" I thought, yep, that's more like it!
I love that you can see the snowflakes in her hair!
Peacock purse!
Vintage dress!!
My Indian Princess!
I took her to a South Indian restaurant where we ate dosas and idli. She hasn't had those delectables since we left India. I was thrilled to find a south Indian restaurant! She danced into the restaurant and danced all around. I think she truly felt like she was a princess!!
My daughter, myself- she loves the camera as much as I do!
The two servers who waited on us were extremely friendly and accommodating. The funny thing is that the woman speaks Gujurati (what Baby R speaks) and the man spoke Telugu! He started speaking Telugu to Munni and she was so surprised! It was funny to see her get all shy. She did manage to sing her "Meow Meow Pili" song to him about a kitty cat who drinks milk and gets it on her whiskers. The server laughed and said he remembered that song from his childhood.
Mommy + Munni = Forever Family:)
There was a clipper storm that came through and the roads were horrible. It didn't stop us though from getting out and celebrating our ONE YEAR anniversary!! Munni Bird is my forever valentine and for that I am forever grateful :)
Today I came home to a FedEx package on my doorstep…. Inside were Baby R's official referral papers!!!!!!!!! God has been so amazingly faithful to me throughout Munni's adoption and now through R's adoption. He continues to blow me away. I can't wait until the day I can post her picture so you can see what a beautiful, sweet baby is waiting to come home to her mommy and big sissy :)
"I love you Mommy"
Those were the words I woke up to Tuesday morning as we snuggled under the covers. I can't think of a better way to start the last day of 2013 :)
This time last year, I celebrated New Year's Eve at a friend's house and managed to laugh and smile through all the necessary social interactions. Inside though, my heart was breaking because a week before I had done the most heartbreaking thing I've ever done in my life: I dropped Munni off back at the orphanage and had to tell her goodbye. I will never, ever forget the look in her eyes.
Today, 10 months later after bringing her home, I still have to pinch myself when I look at her beautiful face and see joy in her eyes.
Her life has been transformed and my world has been rocked.
As I reflect on 2013, I am blown away at the goodness of God. He has sustained me through the most difficult days and lifted me up to highest peaks of pure joy and happiness.
He moved mountains to bring her home.
He provided the best medical care that saved her life.
He sustained me during the hard days of her emotional healing.
He whispered his love and comfort while anxiously waiting for her surgeries to be over.
He led me back to India to find her baby sister.
He opened the floodgates of heaven and poured out blessings through generous hearts. A village of people who purchasedSpread More Love t-shirts, sent donations, and bought books to help bring Baby R home.
He provided encouragement and hope through emails, prayers, hugs, and shared tears.
He has made the crooked paths straight through miraculously moving Baby R's case- my dossier is sent and I was able to get fingerprinted today, AHEAD of my scheduled appointment.
Today as we were walking into the USCIS building to plead with them to fingerprint me ahead of time, Munni held my hand and skipped as she told me, "Mommy! you and R and me are family!" I couldn't even answer her because the lump in my throat wouldn't let me. The wisdom and love she has for R and our family and what it means for Baby R just completely blows me away.
Adoption is by FAR the most challenging, life changing, humbling, faith building journey I've ever experienced. There are dark, dark days where it seems impossible to hold onto faith. And then there are days of inconceivable love and joy. But through it all, I've learned that God will never, ever leave me. He is faithful and he is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16
It is with this confidence that I look forward to 2014 and the unfamiliar paths before me. Happy New Year and may the God of peace that transcends all understanding, shower you with his love in the year to come!
Last year if you would have asked me what 8 months home looked like, I wouldn't have expected to be dealing with so many medical issues. Quite frankly, all of Munni's medical issues took me by surprise because according to her paperwork, she was healthy. All of the red flags on her case were considered emotional, not medical in nature. One positive step forward is that we did celebrate the end of her TB medicine mid-October!!! That was HUGE! I would tease her a couple of days afterwards and randomly say, "Hey Munni, did you take your medicine? oh wait- you don't have to take your medicine anymore!!!! WOOO HOOOO!!!!" and she would giggle and laugh every time :)
But, now being home and in a safe environment has led to some other issues. The neurologist isn't sure what is going on with her and gave me quite a list of all the possibilities. Sweet. She has an EEG scheduled for this Tuesday. I would appreciate any prayers if you happen to think about it. Also, they are going to do an MRI on her as well. She has already been under 3 times this year and has another surgery scheduled for early December. They are trying to coordinate so that they can do the surgery and the MRI on the same day so that she won't have to be put under for a 5th time. Please pray that the scheduling people can work this out. Her original date was Friday, December the 6th. This is Munni's first Christmas celebration and obviously, I want it to be a special one. I was hoping that we could have the surgery far enough away from Christmas so that she would be healed and not in pain during the Christmas break.
When we went to the consultation with the neurologist, Munni's behavior during the visit was an F-. I told the doctor that she is one smart cookie and is aware of what is going on. Thankfully, he is a compassionate and kind doctor and also very tolerant of recently-adopted-scared-out-of-her-mind-so-I'm-going-to-act-as-crazy-as-possible- children.
That night she started to ask me all kinds of questions about dying. She asked me if Simon was going to die. I told her yes, one day he will die. She asked me what day. I told her I didn't know. Nobody knows. She told me that when Simon dies he won't be in the bed with us anymore and that will be really sad. I told her it will be very sad. Then she hits me with this doozy:
"Mommy, who will die first, you or me?"
I wasn't really prepared for this conversation with her, but I've always been honest so I told her, "Since mommy is a lot older than you, I will probably die first but not for a really long time; not until you are older."
She started to cry and what she said next, made me cry.
She told me, "How will I get to heaven if you aren't here to take me? I will get lost on the way because I don't know how to get there."
I'm thinking to myself that I cannot believe the depth of this child's heart. I hugged her and told her that Jesus would take her and when she got there I would be waiting there for her and so would Simon with his wiggling butt, all excited, jumping around so happy to see her! She wasn't quite convinced. So I told her, "Remember how when we first got back from India and you had never been to Papa's house? I took you there in our car. You didn't know the way, you just sat in the back and got to watch the trees and everything go by as I drove you to her house. Now you know the way because we've been there so many times and you tell me to turn right and to turn left, but in the beginning, you didn't. You just trusted me that when I told you we were going to Papa's house, that when we got in the car we would indeed arrive at Papa's house. You have to trust me on this Munni. Jesus will come and meet you and take you to heaven. You will not get lost." Then we talked about some encounters that she remembers about Jesus from Hyderabad. It was a very philosophical evening for a seven year old :)
The next evening, the questions continued. This time, they were focused on our "new bodies" we would receive in heaven. She told me, "Mommy, me thinking all day. When I get new body, no more marks? (that's what she calls her scars) oh man she knows how to pull my heart strings.
I started crying and I told her, "Yes baby, no more marks." And then again she pulls out a doozy,
"And I will be white like you?"
I told her no and she got upset and said she wanted to be white like me and I said that I wanted to be brown like her :) And then I told her that all of us will be the most beautiful versions of ourselves and color won't matter. I have to admit though, that it was a positive sign for me that she has attached so much that she wants to assimilate to me. When she first came home she told me, "Mommy skin no pretty." I thought is was hilarious at the time (and still do!) Obviously I don't want Munni to want to be white, I'm just thankful for the attachment aspect of that statement.
Today when I picked her up from school, she got in the car and I told her I loved her. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She put her hands over her heart and shook her head yes and smiled. Then I asked her, "How much do you think mommy loves you?" She started laughing and stretched both her arms out wide and said, "THIS MUCH!" and I told her, "Nope, you're wrong." She looked confused for minute and then I smiled at her and told her, "More. SO. MUCH. MORE!"
I made this dress!
And this is what the end of a photo shoot looks like....
a tired, hungry, little girl with a mommy who won't stop photographing her :)
The blog makeover and the dress were my two creative outlets with all the stress and chaos going on this fall. I was stoked that I figured out that blog thing since I don't have the money to pay someone to do it! Plus, I'm not technologically *gifted* I always figure out some weird way that is probably the longest way possible but whatever, I love the new look! My mom was also a big help with the dress because I forgot a lot from my 8th grade home-ec class. Sewing takes some serious math skills! I only had to rip out once so that's cool. My next project is an advent calendar. My mom and dad did an amazing job of establishing some cherished Christmas traditions in our family. I can't wait to start those with Munni Bird!
Hopefully the surgery/MRI/EEG results will be nothing to worry about and we can move forward and start the new year fresh.
Thank you for all your support and prayers- they mean more than I will ever be able to express in words!
May 20th marks 3 months home! It seems like she's always been here with me :) I was looking back on photos and found this one Munni right before she got her ears pierced again. Her hair was so short!
In addition to her hair growing, she has endured 2 operations, many medical visits, finished kindergarten, had her very first birthday celebration, and many other "firsts."
Here are some other areas of growth:
Medically
- She has been on an aggressive treatment for her TB, which includes 5 pills a day. She takes them like a champ :) We met with the pulmonary doctor at her last visit and she said that it's very likely that the TB has attacked other organs since it is also in her eye. She said we made the right decision to treat it as aggressively as possible.
- Her eyesight has IMPROVED!!! This is a HUGE miracle because one of the drugs she is on has a serious side affect of vision loss. She is taking a large dose, so it was a cost/benefit decision that I prayed wouldn't cost. Originally, she was 20/80 in both eyes. Now, she is 20/25!!! This is a tremendous answer to prayer!
- I found out that she has schistosomiasis. What is that you ask? It's considered one of the Neglected Tropical Diseases. Again, I am SO thankful that I took her to the IAC or else I never would have found out that she has this until there were serious complications. Even then, who knows how long it would take to diagnose? Anyway, it explains some minor issues she was having and the treatment is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
- She has grown 1 1/2 inches and gained 0 lbs. Long and lean - unlike her mommy :)
Emotionally
- Every morning that I drop her off before school, I always tell her to be a good little monkey (she LOVES Curious George!) and that I love her. About 2 weeks ago, she started telling me back that she loves me. Melt my heart :)
- She has opened up to me several times about her past. The details she remembers are shocking and precise. Even though it is so difficult to hear her recount these events, I know it is the healthiest thing for her. I pray for her every day that she would be healed of the emotional injuries she sustained.
- Her meltdowns are now only happening during transition times- after school or if she's spent time at my mom's house. Not that being at my mom's house is bad!! Being away from me for significant amounts of time has its toll. It takes about an hour to work through it. I'm learning better how to deal with them and I think that is helping her. She needs lots of interaction and coddling from me during these times. She is openly defiant and tests boundaries during these meltdowns. Now that I have them pinpointed, it has helped me to not get emotionally involved in them and to handle them more like a police officer writing a ticket, in that I don't take it personally. Sometimes this is harder if I've had a bad day :) Socially
- Kindergarten has been great! She made several good friends that she talked about constantly. On the last day of her school, the teacher sent home pictures of her with these friends. What a treat for me to see pictures of her with her classmates and during school. She is BEAMING in every picture!
- Her English is improving greatly! Some of the things she says crack me up. "Mom- every day me no practice cycle you!" She got a bike for her birthday and she sweats me all the time about learning how to ride it! As a second language teacher, I find it interesting the way she puts sentences together. She is also still using 'me' as a subject pronoun. "me likes bay-loons." "Me no likes apples." She still has a significant accent which I am secretly praying will never go away :)
- She played soccer for about 5 seconds. I think it was a little much for her in terms of where she was physically fighting the TB and catching up growth wise. During one practice, she puked after dribbling across the field. That was pretty much the nail in the head. I was sad because I was a soccer girl growing up and had visions of soccer greatness for Munni. But then hope creeped back in when the school sent home a sign up sheet for lollipop fall soccer. Munni wants to do it....
- She has confidence in situations where she needs it and clings to me in situations where she should, like meeting a stranger. Sometimes I forget the survival skills she learned in the orphanage, but this chica can hold her own when it comes to kids.
- She makes jokes. And they are funny :)
- She understands everything that is said to her.
- We are still co-sleeping and will continue to do so until she is ready to be in her own room. With what she shared about her past, this makes complete sense to me and I'm happy to do it. She's a great snuggle bunny :)
- She loves the dogs....especially Simon :)
Ice cream for dinner to celebrate last day of kindergarten!
Some wonderful ladies I work with at school bought Munni a suitcase filled with dress up things. Oh my goodness, this gift was a HUGE hit!! Notice Simon was right in there with her!
This bag led to Munni dressing up for our nightly dog walk. She was thrilled to be out walking in her new "outfit!"
Some very good friends came into town and we met at the local park. This was Munni's first experience with a splash park. She had so much fun!
Our neighborhood pool was just renovated and now includes and awesome splash park. She loves it!
She snapped this pic with the iPad. Have I mentioned that she loves photography?
I couldn't resist this one. She fell asleep with her headset on lol!
Me
I have been growing too. I'm learning about letting go of the mommy-guilt. I'm learning how to structure my time better for the both of us. I'm also learning that I have to make my time with the Lord in the morning. When I do this, our day is so much better :) I stumbled upon the Happy Herbivore which has made our mealtimes so much more pleasant! I stink at meal planning and this literally has been a lifejacket for me. I'm really, really looking forward to this summer. When she first got home, almost all of my maternity leave was spent dealing with all of the medical issues. I'm excited for summer to be able to just hang out and bond. I have some fun staycation stuff planned and can't wait to make memories with Munni. I love her so much!!!
All in all, I have to say that Munni is a pretty happy little girl. I can't tell you the joy this brings me. God has answered so many of my prayers for her. His faithfulness is overwhelming! He continues to move in my life and I'm super excited where he is leading us. I hope to be able to share details by the end of summer :)
Thank you for all of your prayers and support- I am continually amazed by all the love!
The other day a friend texted me and said, "Facebook makes it seem like you're doing well. Do you feel that way?" That is the million dollar question! I'm thinking she didn't read my post where I talked about all the struggles of adopting an older child. It's definitely not all roses and walks in the park but I'm also not in a straight jacket. I think that the behavioral struggles we have are pretty normal. There are some days (like yesterday) when Motherhood is kicking my butt and taking names. And there are other days when I pinch myself because I can't believe how lucky I am that I get to be Munni's mommy. I've come to the conclusion that Motherhood is one, giant, oxymoron. Never have I felt so inadequate and then, so capable. It's a Jedi mind trick. Some days, we nail it and it is AWESOME. And then there are days like last Friday. When we were snuggling before bed, Munni opened up and shared in detail what had happened to her. By far, that was the most difficult moment I've had being her mom. To hear your child recount events that no child should ever experience is a hellish nightmare. What I would give to have just 2 minutes alone in a room with that person. It would be a bloody mess and it wouldn't be my blood, I can tell you that much. It made me understand the imprecatory psalms on a whole new level. This is an area where I really need to pray that I can forgive, because I'm not feelin' it. I know I have to, but I think it's gonna take awhile.
Once she fell asleep, I immediately called my sister and bawled my eyes out. We talked and talked and prayed and ultimately, I know that it is healthy that Munni remembers. Also, the fact that she felt safe enough with me to share that is HUGE. I've done a ton of research on trauma and one of the things I didn't want to happen, would be for her to remember later in life. Everything I've read says that if severe trauma happens to a child during a time when they spoke their mother tongue and then later, when they no longer speak that language the memories come back, they have a very hard time healing and dealing with the trauma because they don't have the language capability to recall those events. In other words, they feel the pain but because the memory was stored in one language that is no longer learned, they can't bring it into a logical memory. Munni still speaks Telugu and her expressive English is really expanding, so she is able to verbally bring those memories out in the open. I was able to comfort her and reassure her of the love and safety she has with me and my family. This is an ongoing process and I am thankful that as hard as it was to hear all of that, I now have specifics to pray about. I know all pray works but I also know for me, the more specific I am, the greater the answer.
After she opened up to me about her past, she was super clingy. Lots and lots of regression. She wanted the bottle, she wanted to be spoon fed, and any time I left the room, she would say, "Mommy, me coming with you." Regression is also very, very healthy so even though it was heartbreaking, I am so happy that her healing is taking place.
On the flip side of it, I have absolutely LOVED seeing Munni grow, learn, explore, and experience things that every child should experience. Her school was selected for the City's Arbor Day celebration. All of the kindergarten children got to sing a song and then help plant the oak tree. This was the last day of my maternity leave so my mom and I were able to go to the school and watch it all go down. One thing I love about Munni and my relationship is that she knows how much I love photography. She has a spidey sense about when I have my camera out and even in a crowd, she can zero in on me! Here are some pics from that day :)
eagerly awaiting her turn!
she loves to garden and she was so happy doing this!
With my mom, affectionately known as, "Papa"
She came home from school on Friday and was SO EXCITED to give me her surprise she had been working on for me for Mother's Day. She loves my flower garden and she made me this vase for all of the flowers that are about to bloom. I love her!!!
And she also filled out this questionnaire about me:
I was cracking up when I read it. The raw coconut oil must really be working for me because I don't think I look 40 hundred years! And then I cried when I read the last one. For her to be able to say, "She's my mom" is such a miracle! I love Munni so much and to see her bravely going forward with each day, just melts my heart. She is such a trooper and a happy little girl. I am thankful that she knows Jesus and loves him because it's from him that she will receive her healing. I think about her life- where she's been and where's she's going- and I get so excited! I can't wait to see God's plan for her life unfold, and for that, I am forever grateful that I am her mom and that I get front row seats to the show!
Happy Mother's Day to all of you mamas out there- no matter where you are in the process- It is a divine gift!
